sick_and_tired girl_jane My eyes are half closed and one nostril is plugged, so I'm still half breathing. 020827 ... epitome of incomprehensibility The universe doesn’t seem to like me recently. Last month while walking to work, in the second week of my job, I was thinking, “You know, maybe writers DO need more stress to write. My life is too routine now.” That day I was fired. Or at least partially fired. Since the promises of part-time work there haven’t resulted in anything, I’m not sure those about wanting me back in the summer will either. At least I still have my tutoring. A friend has a lead on possible internships at X or Y publishing company – but internships, mind you. I haven’t followed up on these yet, partly because I haven’t been feeling well. Stomach problems, on and off, throughout the month. No fever or throwing up, though, so I could do most of what I needed to do, just more miserably. But the past few days it’s gotten worse, and what worries me most is the trouble sleeping. I haven’t had more than four hours sleep for the past four nights, and last night I don’t think I slept at all, except for a brief dream where I was denied a “sleep permit” because I was from Quebec and the only available sleep permits were for Newfoundland or Nova Scotian musicians. But it isn’t fun! I lie on my back, I start to shiver; I lie on my stomach, I can feel my heart beating and my forehead heats up. To add insult to injury, the last two hours of mostly non-sleep were spent with the chorus of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” stuck in my head. Anyway, I went to the clinic today. I only waited one hour. The doctor I saw there seemed to be asking normal questions and doing normal things until he pinched my throat. He explained I probably had an overactive thyroid but I needed to do a couple of blood tests to see what was causing it. He looked surprised when I asked him to prescribe sleeping pills, and gave me a total of five so I wouldn’t become addicted. (I don’t want to become addicted, dammit. I want to sleep.) I guess after the blood test, when I go back, he’ll see if I need medication and what kind. Hyperthyroidism. That’s the word. It can be the sort of thing that flares up here and there; Dr. Wikipedia says it can be “asymptomatic,” but when not, “symptoms are due to an excess of thyroid hormone. Thyroid hormone is important at a cellular level, affecting nearly every type of tissue in the body. Thyroid hormone functions as a controller of the pace of all of the processes in the body. This pace is called the metabolic rate (see metabolism). If there is too much thyroid hormone, every function of the body tends to speed up. Therefore, some of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism may be nervousness, irritability, increased perspiration, heart racing, hand tremors, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, thinning of the skin, fine brittle hair, and muscular weakness—especially in the upper arms and thighs. More frequent bowel movements may occur, but diarrhea is uncommon. Weight loss, sometimes significant, may occur despite a good appetite…” etc. Although I didn’t have much appetite when my stomach was hurting, a lot of the rest makes sense. Thank you, Dr. Wikipedia. 130424 ... unhinged of pretending that everything is ok so that other people can feel good about themselves being assholes 130425 ... dafremen ..of the_most_brilliant_species_on_the_planet. 130426 ... e_o_i Yeah. I'm sick of some of 'em too. Myself, but also the people I work for, lately (apparently_I_have_standards). 130426 ... e_o_i (likes the latest post in do_it_for_the_children, though I think relying on guns to fight corporate greed, etc., ain't gonna work. Metaphorical toasters, I don't know...) In my own little world, I'm feeling better; went to sleep this time without Lorazepam... Isn't that a pretty word, though? This is why I shouldn't have children - I'd name them after random prescription drugs. And chemicals. And possibly types of fungi. 130426 ... unhinged careful with the benzos honey they might just turn you into the assholes you so despise 130426 ... e_o_i Don't worry unhinged - I only had to take one, and that was when it was almost physically impossible to sleep because my heart was beating fast and I was either sweating or shivering. It was a vicious cycle - lack of sleep making nerves worse, thus couldn't sleep again - and I wouldn't want to get into a whole other cycle by becoming dependent on pills. So, since I can, I've been sleeping on my own, despite a few random middle-of-the-night wake-ups. But do I despise anybody? I was going to say, No, no I don't... but while I don't actually hate anyone, I do look down on people sometimes. And I shouldn't: not others, not myself. So you said more than you think you did, I think. (I like how non-tiredness makes me so much more coherent, eh? 130427 ... unhinged mmmm maybe just a little projection on my part and/or referring to someone i knew with a benzo problem he hated when people treated him like shit but he was one crazy asshole on those things possibly cause he took handfuls of them at a time 130427 ... e_o_i that would do it... 130427 ... e_o_i ...and I guess it was projection on my part to relate the "despising" part to myself... ah well. 130427 ... . . 130428 ... Ouroboros i would like to manifest some act of god to end my pathetic life. 130428 ... e_o_i Sick and tired of rereading my random Wikipaste (I shouldn't eat it, Doar, it's not good for me, I know) especially since a bit of my blood told the doctors my thyroid was normal. Besides, the day before I started having all the sleeplessness I got some free chocolate, and then proceeded to eat four bars' worth in two days. But why was I fine (fine?) last summer when I stayed in my little school-cell all night long, eating bag after bag of chocolate-covered raisins? Maybe that's it - my body associated chocolate with not sleeping and being stressed out. Which is not remotely likely. 130525 ... Death of a Rose E.O.I. Don't eat the paste beautiful. you never know what they put in that shite. . And never apologize to me. I don't deserve it, especially from you. . you are a bountiful beautiful, intelligent, woman. be well cherie. seriously, be better and don't develop ulcers. it isn't worth it. what i wouldn't do..... 130525 ... Death of a Rose and your children, each name you give them. would say I love you, Mom. so never say and never feel that you aren't deserving of that selfless love. because the happiness you would have in watching your offspring would never deaden you. . 130525 ... e_o_i Thanks. I'm not beautiful but I am intelligent. 130526 ... Death of a Rose yes you are . 130526 ... e_o_i But seriously, don't be sad. I'm enjoying the poems you've been placing here in the last couple of days - it's like seeing small, intriguing paintings on a wall, and wanting to know what went into them - and they have many different moods, whimsical, sexy, playful, philosophical - but I feel (perhaps incorrectly?) that the overwhelming mood right now is sadness, and I don't want you to be sad. What am I saying? Of course you can be sad. But I wish you could feel better. I am sending another metaphorical hug your way. Peace, 130526 ... Doar hey EOI can i return the hug but what i cannot see damages all those that i see. . 130608 what's it to you? who go blather from