~gez~ all these years you say nothing and now you weep. i have not tears enought for what you have done to me. tell me how it was done. "its in my power" i was mortal once. i was mortal to you. you gave me your immortal kiss. now look at me 020823
unhinged i sat on my mat, facing my altar, and i couldn't feel my heart. i sat on my mat, facing my favorite buddha statue, the weeping buddha, and i wept. i took refuge in the teacher, in the buddhanature, in the dharma, in the sangha, and i wept. there is so much suffering in the world. we huddled in balls and wept.

things are stuck inside of me
they tear on the way out
they make ugly noises
not the pretty music i strive
so hard
to project to the world
but ugly strangled tearing
in spurts
echoing in my hollowed broken insides
to a deafening level
i curl into myself
to feel the vessel
now so suddenly empty

i am an ocean
deep and still
the tears
a superficial turbulence
at the very top
like waves on the ocean
deep inside
i am still
that is my true nature

but my raft is battered by the waves
first i must conquer the waves
and part of me was glad
for the tears streaming down my face
the strangled ugly sounds
my voice did make
it was leaving me
even my surface will be still
like a mirror
reflecting my true insides
i will be
to the outside world
what i know is inside
that i can't yet show
even my surface will be still
unhinged once again
i meditate
(in the form of motion, yoga)
and the tears just spill out

the people in my life that truly understand my capacity to love live too far away for me to get hugs on a regular basis
in the cloudy season
my hug prescription goes up
to about five per day
and i am currently getting about none
i am in a hug_deficit right now
unhinged glass tears

because it still hurts
being without_you

(i_wonder when i will stop
crying like this)
poet i feel too much

i get high all day to smother the feeling
but sometimes i cant help but let it get to me

the need to have another being to clutch and confide in
to share a part of your soul with another human being
share your deepest insecurities
share your craziest aspirations

ive realized recently just how sensitive a person i am...
when we talked about what animal each one of us would be based on our personalities
we decided you would be a cat
and you said i would be a dog
and at the time i didn't really think so
but now it makes perfect sense
i always have this desperate need to be loved
i'm just like a hyperactive labrador retriever puppy

and i thought i'd been maintaining pretty well as far as being lonely goes
but it's been a long time
and i'm still alone

so how am i supposed to react
when years later you still pop up to haunt me in my dreams
when i can feel your skin and your body
feel your warmth in my hands
look into your eyes
hear your voice
taste your lips

and the sensations are real
my brain can't tell the difference

then suddenly i'm awake and its morning
and emotions are still swirling around in my head
and it hurts
and i feel so desperately lonely that i cant help but do something i thought i was done doing

and that's missing you

so i masturbated
and went back to sleep
i slept for several more hours
and when i woke up i felt ok
and i forgot about it for the rest of the day
but just now i started thinking about it and i wept...

and maybe that's pathetic
and maybe all i need is some person
some sack of flesh who says it loves me
or someone to be there for me
but i don't have anyone

and my fucking existence hurts right now
i thought i was done with this
and through hurting over you
but its not over
and i now realize that the way i dealt with it was immature
and i feel like an idiot

so fuck i don't know what to do
or if you'd forgive me if i asked for it
or if you really despise me... i guess i deserve it
but hey i guess you're with someone else now anyway so hey whatever this is just me making myself miserable
nothing to see here
move along
i wish we were still friends like we said we would be
i did want to be friends
and i told you i needed some space
and i feel horrible because it must look like i was lying... but i wasn't lying, i was just afraid to talk to you because i thought that you hated me... i don't even know if you remember me like i remember you... you were a giant part of my life and now there's a huge hole in me that got filled with nothing and maybe you're not the only thing that could fill that hole but i miss the comfort of you being and knowing that we helped each other feel whole

god i am such a fucking epic failure :P
unhinged .

i'll always remember you

(i can't even begin to find
someone to replace you)
unhinged sadhana_of_mahamudra

i carry a big weight
some days are easier than others
to pretend that they aren't

when i feel like this i avoid going to the center because sitting makes it impossible to pretend the weight on my chest doesn't squeeze the tears out
Lia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoLeELQDOjo 120619
a clever disguise i find avoidance is the best method until it's not so painful to mourn.

Mourning is necessary for healing, but mourning when the pain still cuts too deep is just overkill.
unhinged i'd rather cry than be angry 120620
unhinged damnit
i'm afraid of this

but more often than not
i can feel the relief
at the end of the tunnel
unhinged i keep coming back to this. my shamatha deteriorates into tears. like the stillness breaks the dam that holds them all inside

hridya dukkha

i try to dismiss this as a hormonal imbalance, but this depression and sadness isnt that easy to explain away. my heart hurts. selfishly and not so selfishly. i am still realizing the extent to which i cared about you, the extent to which your misery was my misery. (i guess some people call that love)

my heart hurts

but i am not sure there are any words that would make either of us feel better

so i refrain
flowerock this morning, thinking about your grandmother. I am honored to have met her, I hop to see her again. I hope to see my grandparents as well. the things I could call regrets so far are having missed opprotunity to spend time with the older members of my family before they left this life. 140624
unhinged i sat this morning and the tears welled but didnt fall

(i miss the way you smell)
unhinged just when i thought it was behind me....

unhinged sitting is painful right now; the world is vibrating with pain and suffering at such a high level i can't help but notice especially when i am still

sometimes bravery is nothing less than taking my seat and staring reality in the face
what's it to you?
who go