unhinged i love you
i have for a long time
long before i knew your face
or your hands
or your lips

it was easier to go days
or weeks
or even at times
without talking to you
when the reality of you
was just your_voice

i remember grad_school
the coffee
and the cigarettes
and the even higher hoops
to jump through
and the hours in the library
and the ulcers
and the sleepless nights
and the reading
and the papers
and the saturday observations
and the sunday quartet rehearsals
i didn't finish grad_school
i couldn't

the summer after i quit
i moved back to ohio
to the freakish rural/suburban hood my parents live in
the only thing to keep me company as i smoked were the crickets
and your_voice
i quit
something my father abhorred almost more than anything
i quit
i was a failure
and your_voice like hugs
as my father snored on his recliner

i'm sorry too
sorry i'm so needy
i don't want to be the reason you go crazy
that's what grad_school is for after all
but i don't think either of us should be sorry
for what we have meant to each other
over these long years

it's just that recently
the reality shifted
what used to be just words
that somehow cushioned the longing
is now like
a mother being without her child
(like in the puccini animation where butterfly gets her baby ripped from her and then watches the baby stolen drive away)
what do you do then?
what can you do then?

i won't stop loving you
(i don't think i could anyways)
and maybe how
and when
has shifted over the years
high tide
low tide
the shore where my ocean meets you
always changing
deep inside i am still
but at the edges
i tirelessly
lap at you

and as those days
of your arms
and lips
float farther away
and other dirtier pieces
are shoved in between
if i concentrate hard enough
i am bursting with it
the way the memory
makes my face erupt into
teeth and sunshine
if_only you knew
what a considerable feat that really is
to make me smile

there was a time in my life
where i didn't smile
where my eyes were dead
and my lips pulled always down
at the corners
if_only you knew
what a considerable feat that really is
to lift the weights
from my heart
and make me smile truly

now i finally know what this means
unhinged sweeter than bitter today
flooded rain drops
the water that washes me clean

sometimes it backfires
the stock i hold in words
sometimes i will be content
that there was even one perfect moment
one being better than none
a piece of my heart
tattooed with your kisses
something as common and elemental
as rain
like little pieces of you
unhinged more even dirtier pieces
the immediate reaction

if i concentrate hard enough
i can't help but smile
to think of it

the lament gets sadder everyday
( biber )
auburn 070418

I devoured those words.
unhinged and i have devoured these words
many times myself
since i poured them out here
when it was all i had of him
with his separate bed
and separate life
past white, sharp breakers come in off the lake. little jagged fingers grasping for the stormy sky. the higher they reach the less lake they have beneath them and the harder they fall, lamenting, lost, and shattered against the stony shore.

grad_school isn't killing me. it feels like class work gets in the way of real work. it feels like i'm starting to spin aimlessly again, restless to get out, too restless to begin the ever growing pile of copies. little mistakes slip in. missed appointments. missed tests. missed citations.

each moment missed is a broken wave, splintered across my days. their little cuts are harmless, but ever present. shattering against the rocks. failing to reach the sky. stormy and stony.
unhinged baby
if you knew what it meant

i would give up pieces of myself
to be with you

(i can't stop thinking about you)
unhinged the last time i saw you
you made a comment
something to the affect of
'you should be over writing sloppy love poems about me now'
not the words you used
they were a little more diplomatic
since you went to school for diplomacy after all

you were living with your girlfriend
(i should have figured something
like that happened)
i didn't hear from you much
but when i was in town
we had dinner
and got drunk together
and i slept in the office

but i wasn't really over writing sloppy love poems for you
when i met you
you helped me realize the inherent goodness of myself
you changed my life

i was so goddamn sick
i had no idea how great i was
until you told me
(another situation where words seem trite)

i'm a little more calm now
a little more zen
a little more practiced at reality
but i still miss you
you are a pretty pivotal human being in my universe
stork daddy you are great. 101202
unhinged heroin_doll #2

i still have a hard time talking to you
about anything real

and i realized deep in my heart
that so many of the things you did, said
that made me cry
you didn't remember
you couldn't remember
because for most of us
you were so fucked up
you couldn't remember

the stilted silence
when i brought up the first time
we almost had sex
you so fucked up on benzos
you couldn't remember

i've realized
i should be angry
for all the things you put me through
you couldn't remember

there was something about you then
that i knew
the real you was covered up by dirty_mirrors
that i wouldn't let go when you tried to
i should be pissed
at all the time i spent on you
by the

i know now
to have faith in myself
cause i'm pretty good at seeing reality

that even though
i didn't really know you
for a long time
i knew there was a real you
worth knowing

and slowly but surely
my tongue says what i need it to
slowly but surely
unhinged i stared at your pupils tonight and

(even though i still hold_on to hope)
unhinged (are you ever going to stop hurting me?

am i ever going to stop letting you hurt me?)
unhinged and then you told me
that even when fucked_up
you could see me
and you shattered the universe
i had built for us
unhinged i decided this week
that you aren't worth it anymore

i don't have words
for how that feels
unhinged i'm still human
even after all the
wishing, hoping, dreaming

i'm still human

even after all the

i'm still human
just less


unhinged i'm still human

and i like my
heart on my sleeve

so that's where i'll keep it
no matter if you see it
r_r . 120110
jane he wrote me:

"digesting how i feel about seeing / hearing / feeling the other side of it. *that voice from the absence i will most certainly leave in my wake.* that damage. those decisions.

every time i read it, i think of so many mistakes that i've either made or am on the verge of making. or more, so many mistakes i have a chance to not make."

i told him not to sacrifice the_present for the_future.
unhinged i really miss you today

today of all days
i need to see myself
the way you see me
unhinged my practiced indifference fools everyone now
i dont have the strength to come out of hiding
daf You don't fool me! Come on out of there! =) You_are_loved 130701
unhinged (i dont write love poems like this anymore) 150908
unhinged (seems_like
we were always just a dream
that disappeared in the living)
what's it to you?
who go