and_then_the_music_skips endless desire i just dont know where to begin or who to go to but this is how it threw down: i went to his house today. i said i was going to someone else's. im a pro-sneaker/liar. not much to be proud of. i went to your house. it was a wonderful day, fun times in the morning. laughs mixed with good food. best combination in the world. then the good stuff came. first kisses. than more. than twisting turning loving sucking rubbing. desire mixed with a handful of love and a touch sweat. a beautiful dance. a damn sexy dance. hours of wonderful fun mixed with brief ((shower)), giggles, exploring, passion. OH, look at the time. OH, i have to be over there. OH, i am not supposed to be here. and we rush to our clothes and we rush to your car and we rush to her house, where i am suppose to be. and we arrive. and i leave. and there is my brother. he watches me walk out of your car. he watches me try and pretend that everything is normal. and he knows. not what was being done, but that i had deceived, i had lied. again. for the thousandth time. again and again. and again. and he knew i was slipping away. and i get in his car and i ask, "do you want to talk about it?" he just turns up the music. it's no good. finally i talk to him. "are you angry?" "no. these past few months have made me numb to anger. i am disappointed." "what do you mean?" "it's like being in a cold stream and your legs go numb. you know you still have legs but you just can't feel them anymore." there was a pause. an awkward pause. "are you going to tell my parents?" i asked. "am i going to tell our parents? you bet i am going to the parents." said he. "raul you can't. you just can't." i begged and i pleaded. it seemed so useless. my life would be gone if he told. hope of my future with you woudl be gone. but i had hurt him time and time again and made him lie time and time again and destroyed his trust and shattered his hope that i would finally learn. he had hoped that this all would bring something beautiful. i ruined that. i turned it into something dirty and wrong in his eyes. i do anything to go back. "i can't betray their trust again." said he. "i can't stab my parents in the pack anymore. this is it ell." "raul i can learn from this. i can i can. if you tell them, they will only trap me and ruin any life that i have until i find a way to get around their system and rebel. but if you let me learn from this, something good can from it." said i "nothing good has ever come from keeping things from them. you should tell. that would be better." "i can't raul. i can't" and the tears started to flow. i remembered how to cry again. the last time i cried? funny i don't remember. the last time i truly cried? the last time i let the tears flow freely? i dont remember that time. "i will give you 15 hours to tell them or will do it myself." "you can't. you can't." and i just cried. "let me learn raul. let me learn. you can't do this to me. please have mercy." and i hit the spot. raul desires to be christ-like in his walk. mercy. grace. forgiveness. he was broken. his voice was weak and desperate and feeling so much pitty for me, because he knew i was just as desperate and weak as him and so very lost. "i am just trying to do what's best ellyn, and i don't know what that is anymore. but i can't trust a thing you do or say anymore. i don't believe that you aren't kissing him so don't feed me that crap. i can't trust you. that trust is gone. i know that hurts you." "raul. . ." "i dont want to go to denmark with that on my heart. i dont want to know that i betrayed my parents again. that you betrayed them and i let you get away with it. and i dont want to be there knowing that you are betraying them again and again." and i sobbed. and looked down. and i saw my life drift away. and i understood his numbness. i am numb. "you just can't." whispered i. and he put his head down. "i've lost all faith him. i thought i could trust him. i might be able to restore that faith in you, but i really thought i could trust him, ell." i ruined their friendship. i ruined my relationship with my brother. i ruined everything. "please. please." and i cried. so much. this was my down fall. . .where everything i had done wrong finally caught up with me in one burst of emotion and tears. . .right there in the parking lot of the church in his grandmothers car. he couldn't. he just couldn't. "raul i will learn from this. i am done. i am completely done." and he put his head down. defeated once again. giving in once again. i ashamed of himself for doing so once again. "i won't tell them. please ellyn, don't make me regret this. please" and i thought he would cry. and i cried. i wanted to wail and stuff my head into a pillow and waste away into oblivion. i kept thinking, "i don't deserve to be alive." he told me, "i am just going to feel so guilty for keeping this from them again, ell." i went to church. tried to put the whole ordeal behind me. had fun. smiled. laughed. but i was emotionally drained. and when he picked me up again, i wanted to die. i sat in the car while they went to look at guitars at the music store and i sank deep within myself. 'i will never make it. this will never make it. i can't stand the hurt any longer. but i am too far to go back now.' we drove home. i went into the house. "cheer up ellyn. you look less happy than sadness." he smiled. i figure he was referring to my dog. and then he left me alone in this house. i am not here. this is the worst feeling in the world. don't you see? i am just swaying. i turned on the saddest music i had: dashboard, of course. and i went to the computer clicked the switch. stepped on the mac and cheese stain i made the other night when it dropped all over me. the carpet is now hard and kind of crunchy. all of their fears are true. i have betrayed them all. i have betrayed myself. i have betrayed my morals. i have betrayed my family. i have betrayed even you. and i got away with it. and i sway. back and forth. side to side. slowly softly sway. my feet are dirty. i don't care. i am not sneaking out anymore. i am not taking chances anymore. i hope i die soon. i hope i find the peace in death and the answers. and i wish religion was never invented because i fear that there will always be this gap between us. and i wish there was something i could do. i am hungry now, you see. but sadness wins hunger's battle. the drape has fallen over my face, and i cannot feel. and i am numb and i sway. and_then_the_music_skips. 030617 ... endless desire you are a kind soul if you read down to the bottom. much like, soup, i need someone to listen tonight. 030617 ... ♥ _r_e_l_a_x_ 030617 ... endless desire i really think i (we) are going to be ok. we shout to the world, 'come and stop us! because you can't and you won't. we are too stubborn and we have become to used to being beaten by your blows.' i love it. 030617 ... infinity and_then_the_music_repeats 030618 what's it to you? who go blather from