random_mutterings_of_a_blatherer Emptyness Alive as i sit couple here couple on my right old man on my left classic isnt it. i sit here alone and listen to the station cafes music and wonder why im doing this why im going to see her. she won't apreciate me doing this, does she even want to see me. two hours travelling on a train a night just for her to go out with her mates. i travel back alone wondering about the trouble i've caused by doing this. will i be fired? i dont know i guess its exciting doing somethings spontaneous. i need to help. i love making people smile. i guess thats my dream, to be able to make people smile till the end whenever that may be.i sit and this stupid mutter knowing is ound like a deprssive nutter, dont worry im fine still smiling always kind, i cant stay unhappy to much effort :) smile everbody 061115 ... u24 60000 061115 ... Emptyness_Alive i was right she didnt but she was happier for a moment its been awhile since i last blathered i think i have to be in the right frame of mind to blather nowadays everyday i dont know wheather im faking being happy or not im just so empty i have no i idea so i just decide to be i dont know anything anymore when i go home i know all thats happening around me everything that has happened when i go back home on the train i seem to past a boundary and its like something being ripped out and replaced its as if i change to where im going i have no idea im still the same in some ways i still love making people smile not the smile they make on their face but when u know you just made their soul and heart smile and be happy every part of them. i read through my past blathes and remeber the situations i was in for them like the one above i was at train station in a cafe like a music video or something it was so weird sometimes when i go home and reach london and get on the tube i look around and see them all and wonder what troubles they have, wheather their married or not i dont expect anyone t read this but its nice to write it out or i would explode still got more to say but i think i'll put it on some other blathers xxxxxxxxx 071016 ... minnesota_chris people are reading you 071016 ... Twitch I miss my dog. I feel bad for that time I got angry about my life. I didn't realize how much influence my mood had on him. He started shaking. I want to make him proud. 071016 ... Emptyness_Alive more random muttering i guess its not christmas yet but the place i work closed two days ago and we are having a christmas party coz we are off till january, and i dnt kno i dnt kno wheather im lonely or not its seems like part of me is just feeling... lonely im actually lonely its stupid i kno coz all these people are my friends and i trust some of them more than some of the ones back home i dnt kno why but i think its coz im dan here and hutcho back home, weird aint it? so yeah anyway... closing down, party, oh yeah i got this really nice poem as a gift for christmas and its so sweet but its a secret santa but when i went up to the girl who got it for me afterwards and thanked her she kinda hid her eyes from me not her face but herself the person she is incase i saw... her i miss chattin on blather its like a diary for my self that i can keep all the time weird i kno, i guess its coz i cant really say anything to anyone else i cant tell anyone back home or here that im in love with two girls i cant tell anyone that im afraid coz im losing my memory and mind i cant tell anyone especially not back home that im afraid or that i just wanna run away just wanna get out of this place that part of me just doesnt care anymore i have to make it a habit to write on blather more often coz i feel so much more relived now oh there is so much bitching here mu mate sam is goin out with a collegue jo and every now and then well practically everynight she stays in his room (he shares with two other guys) now one of the guys has a window open at night and jo moans constently that its cold in there, tom (the window guy) doesnt care and leaves iot open jo bitches all the time about it and tom bitches about jo bcoz jo speaks her mind alot and i mean alot sometimes it isnt good and sometimes she tries speaking for everyone and its like excuse me? um i didnt agree with that and when i say shes like oh ur just so young dan when u grow up u'll understand its like fuck you bith ive been through the shit u have five times over u have kno idea what ur saying god the stuck up cow, she thinks she knows everything, but i like her anyway shes just fgone missing ill finish blathing later byes 071124 ... Emptyness_Alive i guess its that time again for me to let myself go i guess i have started to use this site just to moan and let it go do u know that councillors and phyciatrists well hospital ones are required to tlk another one because apparently the human cant take that much dependancy or emotion put upon there shoulders i guess blather is a place for me to let myself go to stop listening to just bitch and moan i guess right now im starting to relise things like whever i go within a month or its get old and i become restless but no now i have responsibilities my friend shes 14 and 5 months gone so i have to be there for her uim moving back home gettin my own place and everything for her and... i dotn know i know why im doing this becuase she is sucvh a sweet girl and i want ehr to have a chance i know no one will read this but i qwill feel better if i explain there are people in this world called listeners it is every persons right in this world to follow there heart and be truie to their needs but a listener ignores their own rights and helps others above all costs i guess i need to blow off steam im a listener fuck im the leader of listeners down my way i listen to the listeners who dont trust anyone and me? will never talk to anyone EVER! but right now im talking to bklather so i can feel better for a moment i can relax for this time, tell someone my dreams tell someone what i want i wanna dance in lapland underneath the northern lights i want to have a picnic on the beach i want to make every person in this world be happy i wanna be loved by all i want to make everyone have one day thety can look back on and smile one day thwey be so happy asbout and have nop regrets but everytime she will fall for me or think to much WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why cant i just be a friend and i dont say no no i say maybe one day i love you to i do thats the things i dfo love them burt asd a friend im so scared so so scared i cant stop it anymore i just want to help[ people and now and now part of me just wants to be forgotten part of me just wants to have a few friends and not hundreds 080103 ... emptyness_alive Being taken for granted. somehow through always being there when she needed, for being the one who makes the effort all the time. The one who goes without sleep so she will have someone to talk to late into the night when I have to be up early for work. The one who knows when your sad and why. The one who listens and doesnt bitch. I have become the boyfriend i said id never be again someone who you dont have to reply to. Become someone you say you can't be without dont make me laugh. You dont realise im hurting because you dont see. I know when you finish work and what to get you to eat, I know the nightmares ypu have and how to make you sleep. You dont listen, you ignore. I wont be here forever not anymore 140724 what's it to you? who go blather from