dating_quandaries Harumph! Tonight I have date. He wants me to shave my goatee. I've worn a goatee for years. It's only the second date and he is already requesting I make changes: red_flag. On the first date I had mentioned something about liking facial hair (he brought it up) and now he tells me he's growing a beard for the first time in a decade: red_flag. Be yourself, I thought. He's friendly, and he's not stupid, but he relates everything back to sex. This annoys me. On the first date, he told me extensively about his various ex-partners, how one of them was so exquisitely beautiful, how another had perfect abs, how a third was financially loaded: miniature red_flags, but red_flags nonetheless. Nothing was said about their personalities. Sorry, but I don't care to know the size of your ex's dick. (I've been on at least two dozen dates where a guy has told me about his ex's penis: how big it was, how small it was, as if I am supposed to care. Often these guys have never said a word about their mental pursuits, even when I've asked. One guy didn't even know what I meant by the question!) On the phone this week, he finally asked about my pursuits. He knew I write music and wanted to know about it... I began to explain but then he clarified that specifically, he wanted to know if I ever wrote while in the nude. Well, of course I do, I enjoy casual nudity, but his timing annoyed me severely. Don't ask if you don't care, I thought. "Why then are you going out with him again," the reader asks, "if he annoys you so greatly?" I meet a lot of gay men who are like this. They always seem rather emotionally stunted; it's disappointing. Perhaps that is an arrogant statement but that is how I feel. I may be stupid, I may be awkward, but I possess a vast emotionscape and sometimes it seems like the men I attract are seriously undeveloped in the emotion department. Back to the cave, ye brutes! Frequently, they are only interested in me physically *but* mistake their physical lust for interpersonal like; I can usually tell who likes me for what reasons. I am pretty up front about my charismatic quirks and peculiar tastes in culture and when they later find these traits obnoxious I just think, you're the one who chose to wear blinders, bucko. Collectively, I'd find [our] obsession with artifice humorous if it wasn't so debilitating [to our community]. Sure, physical attraction is important. I, too, have my predilictions... though I'm not a physique fascist. I'd rather be with a soul mate whose current incarnation is ugly than with some gorgeous hunk with whom there is no shared connection. Given that matters of appearance are visible and out in the open, shouldn't we gay men focus a little more on trying glimpse the person hidden within? It amuses me to see these gay men who think they are so cultured and civil and yet cannot see past the surface of other gay men. What beasts. Maybe I'm just a big hypocrite. Perhaps my frustration is of a karmic nature. But sheesh, guys, remember the axiom about judging books by their cover? [Apparently not.] For the record, I sense this guy (tonight's date) has a nice inner person. But he's approaching forty, and it's his responsibility to bring that person out, not mine. So far he remains buried beneath his gay social programming. It's like I'm dating Out Magazine in all its vapidity... again. I tend to date men older than myself, and yet I always find myself thrust into the role of daddy. It's preposterous. They're emotional infants and it's fucking annoying. Sometimes it seems like most gay men are really just overgrown boys. (*Sigh*. I'm probably one of them.) "Well that's just how it is in the gay community." What a cop out! Be a man and stand up for something other than your penis or your pocketbook. Maybe it's time I start dating geriatrics. Is Bismark still alive? 061117 ... . i've heard similar disgruntlements expressed by people very close to me. their theory is that the genetic predisposition of male sex drives opens the door to sex-based rather than connection-based interactions, makes that the norm. 061117 ... Harumph! Hmmmm. I appreciate your input. On the one hand it makes sense. But on the other, I am a male with a tremendous sex drive, though it doesn't rule me. At least not entirely, ha ha. What about you, dot? 061117 ... . thinking with your brain rather than your penis means you are human rather than monkey... makes you a rare case, unfortunately, but i assure you there are other humans out there. just takes some searching. it also brings up an interesting dynamic; it scans that society teaches that the males want to sow seed and women want to breed, thus females are pushed into the role of the one wanting commitment, so not only do you see this dynamic in individual interactions, but if a guy hasn't been in a relationship where emotion was actually handled with maturity and depth, well, they never get exposed to it, so don't know how to establish it even when it's offered, if that follows. if you've never been in water, you've got a low chance of knowing how to swim. all of this is on broad terms, bell curves and such, and by no means is all-inclusiveness implied anywhere. imho, the societally trained behavior bell curves are expanding and need to keep doing so, but it takes people actually questioning the system they are indoctrinated into, fish questioning water, and then taking reponsibility and effort to evolve. personally, i'm female... there's lots of odd dynamics on this side of the plumbing, with both sexes. with males you've got the slut/stud double standard, the unspoken undercurrent that women are prey to be chased, all these percieved otherness traits. with women there's a cattiness that only rarely silences, this constant stream of small bitter judgements that turn us against eachother. 061117 ... unhinged he wants me to be in his band more than this bed (which could be because i've been rather cold towards his few advances) but i want to be in his heart more than in his band and it wasn't that long ago that i wanted to move to a cabin in the woods and have the other guitar player's babies. i've got a serious love_rhombus on my hands 061117 ... Harumph! Update: it was even more ridiculous that anticipated. I don't even know where to begin. 061118 ... dot what was the most unexpected aspect of the ridiculousness? as good a beginning as any. 061118 ... unhinged quandary no more i'll quietly fade into the role he has made for me 061123 what's it to you? who go blather from