things_i_never_told_you Lady Lightness There was this moment, over a year ago. We were in the middle of intense foreplay in my winter grey lit room. You were sucking on my right nipple. I watched your face- your eyes were blank, sucking joylessly. You digusted me. I could see you as you were- an oversized baby stuck in oral fixation. I still get nauseous thinking about this memory. 070222 ... pete the things i never told you are things you'll never know from my lips, my hand, or my fingers. they are secreted away, saved for another. 070222 ... fix oohhh that sounds horrible.. mental and/or physical control upon another.. it makes me sick too my one used to push my head down.. it feels so shitty. i used to throw things at him "i'm not your fucking whore" thats why i hate sex disgusting it is. i don't know what is wrong with some people, some selfish some demanding... don't get it at all. nuff said. 070223 ... unhinged you leave marks on skin that isn't meant to be scabbed 070223 ... :-I what doyou mean ? 070223 ... pSyche I'm sorry I ever said I hated you. I really do love you. And I really do miss you. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'd give anything I could to turn back time. I love you. 070313 ... Ouroboros Kissing is never the same, never as good. Sex feels passionless and wanting. I miss loosing myself in your flesh, in our union. 070404 ... unhinged we both did some of that on monday night, but i'm not sure if you listened closely enough to get it. i'm not sure why i let you make me feel like shit. there's a good portion of that that really is just hormones. and then i wanted to write you a letter, apologize, because part of me believed it when you tried to make it all my fault. but we all have our own suffering. all of us; not just people that have endured some great suffering. all of us have suffering that will or has become the central focus of our lives. of course i didn't tell you how much i wanted you, when you said you wanted to be single. of course i would hide that. of course i didn't tell you opinions of mine that have pushed me solidly into the friend/lesbian corner, even if that was unfair. of course i would hide that. most boys don't seem to want a girl that has opinions that can take care of herself. there are things in my past, even though i mostly smile now, that make me hide things too. it's a sneaky little trick i play, the way i talk and talk, but most usually about nothing of importance. i can tell people details, but not the details that mean something. because i am afraid; afraid of rejection and misunderstanding and laughter. it is a paralyzing irrational fear. i've been ruining my chances at relationships for years because of it. because i convince myself that you will laugh and misunderstand and reject. which is unfair. but, my friend, you did reject what i needed from almost the beginning. why wouldn't i hide that? you hit a sore spot. to have the audacity to say that i hide things, i tried to drown the reality of that yesterday. but i get it again; i don't receive honesty from people because i'm not honest. i DO hide things. of course i do. you don't seem to care about the dark details of my life. you don't seem to want to help someone else carry their shit because your shit feels insurmountable to you right now. i don't want to do that anyways, put the weight of my craziness on you or anyone i care about. when i was in_love with you, even that happy craziness, or now that i feel like we are finally meeting each other in the middle, just sometimes when i need to talk and hug. of course i hide that. what else did you want me to do when you said 'i just want to be single right now'? what else did you want me to do when i've tried to tell you some of these things and you abruptly change the topic 'i don't want to talk about this right now'? maybe i hide things from you because you've asked me to. ever think of that? 070404 ... pete the things i never told you are the things i never can, they are the things i've never told myself, and the things i don't think i can. 070404 ... unhinged yeah, you had the fucking audacity to say i hide things and then spring your latest fuck on me three days later. HYPOCRITE just just stay the fuck away 070406 ... unhinged i don't talk to you at work anymore. i stay back in my studio and practice, mostly piano. i don't waste my time talking to you at work anymore. i was standing at the lesson counter waiting for one of my students and you grabbed me right at the part of the hip that's made to be a handle a little too long for it to be an accident. and i turned and you kept walking. i didn't say anything and you kept walking. when i really wanted to say: keep your hands off me what makes you think you can touch me that way? 070412 ... broken & shattered that i love you. i love you more than anything. i never meant to hurt you. you were my world. ...you still are. 070827 ... Arwyn I told you you were revenge... but I never mentioned you were always revenge. I never stopped loving the boy before you. There were many nights when you were gone that I wished he was gonna be the one coming home instead of you. I'm not saying I didn't love you. God I did, but I always loved him... and I loved him more than you. He wanted to come visit when I was pregnant and I wanted him to, but I knew how it would end. I had made a commitment to you, and I would have shattered that commitment... because I loved him... even then, carrying your child, I loved him. Had he shown up on our wedding day I would never have gone through with it. Hell.. I almost didn't. *sigh* I did love you. But I loved him more. 070827 ... unhinged that i was relieved when you told me you were quitting that i am relieved that i don't see you much at all anymore that i feel happier not having to discern meaning that isn't there out of things that were barely done or admitted that i wanted to have knock down drag out screaming fit when you got me naked and then pretended like it never happened, but i managed to project the same indifference back at you that i found it suspicious that after i met your mother, she gave me that awesome down coat for my birthday, that it felt like you distanced yourself from me i am so relieved that i don't have to see you at work anymore 090710 ... crocus that I miss you. I miss sleeping at your house on the weekends, and the mornings your boy would leave the bedroom and we'd have it to ourselves. I even liked your boy, though not for me. I don't miss the threesomes. I don't miss the expectation that I commit without committing to a relationship with no present much less a future. I knew I was an affair, you knew, he knew. fuck we were all in the goddamn room. and you had the audacity to be upset when you realized I must at least have a radar out for something just for me. penis or no. I don't care. I did love you in a way. and I told you that much. I never told you how much you hurt me when you threw me out. I never wanted to sleep with you...I just wanted a safe place to stay for a few days... 090711 ... hsg thank_you 090712 what's it to you? who go blather from