first_love carden why do i still love him and want to be with him?? i think we're still friends, but i have a hard time talking to him. 010412 ... Sintina I wonder if we'll ever speak again. The last time we were near each other was awkward. Although we've kept in touch for years and through both of us going through various relationships, serious and not, we seem to be losing reach slowly but surely these days. I miss you. 030731 ... seventeen the first love is the most absolute and precious thing in my life so far (excluding the familial love that everyone excludes). Nick, how often will Nick repeat himself? first childish kiss in kindergarten was Nicholas (now probably known as Nick, but I don't know him anymore), First real, passionate, intended kiss was Nick. and now, another Nick is my boyfriend, though I'm unenthusiastic about it. the beautiful people are made just to fuck with my head. What I'm attracted to physically never wants to match up with what I'm attracted to intellectually. In any case, Nick, the real Nick, is everything to me in a latent way. We nolonger talk or see eachother. I hear hes on the east coast at some boarding school. I'm trying to imagine him in that life, but I don't know who he is anymore. I only know what he was. Its what he will always be to me. 031022 ... shivers its a bumpy, delightful road. luv u sarelle 031022 ... O_A I didn't know I loved him till after he was gone. I was too young to understand the whole concept of love for someone who wasn't family, but he was my first love nonetheless. He rescued me more times then I can remember, from more then just sticks and stones. We talked about things, I didn't understand then, but have now come to understand too well. That boy, who was raised in violence and anger... taught me gentleness and restraint. He taught me that to play with guys I didn't have to be one... he gave me my understanding of what it means to be human, more plainly and exactingly then any teacher, or parent ever could. He made me strong, and he made me happy and I made him a child again. I have not seen my love for years, though he lives down the street. We grew up and our love does not fit the people we've become. It's still there, I'm sure... in that secret place where we keep our childhoods. That boy is safe forever in the memory of the bruised tomboy who loved him. 031022 ... lycanthrope it isn't the songs you liked that remind me of you, driving my car to some details i won't bore you with, (knowing the songs you liked was the easy part, i was always good at buying you music, i just looked for album covers where the woman had the same soft eyes, or a smile serving two masters) but rather the songs that you didn't like, but which i wanted you to listen to because i thought they could tell you something about what you are, to me (my fervor in turning it up despite your not wanting to hear it, the defensive egotism that drives a lot of music.) i wonder what nouns and verbs fill your mouth these days, what technical words fill your arguments for your exuberance, your princess dream, your jane austen set free feminism. (there were so many parantheses even when we were together, so much that couldn't be said, once we realized we wouldn't get unlimited chances) perhaps you are still looking for me. which would be comforting, were i me anymore. i wake up to the fact that you are distant like the cold war, or my childhood novel, buried slyly in every novel moment of wonder i would scoff it told was a reoccurance. i remember you riding that horse, different horses, clear mastery, different styles for each, allowance or pressure. it wasn't a metaphor i discovered, you'd hold it before me, you'd flinch at it as much as me. watching you, you would ply your knees into the clay flankings of cornerstones ribs (i became too clay, not enough skeleton) as if they were being pulled. who does not love a horse? blameless, practice souls, as loyal or defiant, take it or leave it as your riding. (it was either me or your songbook romance, your deus ex machina with biceps, disney prince. and you chose well.) i saw you riding. i knew then i could never be for you that. 040401 ... pete i remember my first true crush back at the end of grade 7, extending into the early days of highschool and resurfacing again and again until grade 12 swept me away from that mind set. oh she is a wonderful person, and we used to wait at our old elemtary school together back in grade 7 and 8 waiting for our younger siblings, who are the same age, so we could walk them home. we'd play basketball randomly at the park, and smile whenever we say eachother. and she hugged me after grade 8 graduation! oh pete.. such memroies 040401 ... love me love me say that you love me pure and unadulterated. i loved you whole heartedly. now, after i've got to know you, i love you still. but it isnt innocent love, it's heated. i'm missimg you. please come back. 040401 ... that should be missing* 040401 ... nemo maybe the last and only? 040401 ... etana I fucked up my first love. He was so sweet, and I had to become infatuated with someone else. I'll never forgive myself for breaking his heart. I'm sorry Keith... 050803 ... a song you are my first love the one that i long for and i hear you knocking like so many times before and i will rise to meet you in the dead of night i hear your voice and i will open up my heart and pour out everything i am so i give you the key forever you'll be my first love 050804 ... nom i tried to discount my feelings but i never stopped loving and needing him i tried finding him i asked owls, and trees, and stars where he was, if he was still alive and now i am surprised, and confused to read and reread his letter especially because i love someone else 070330 ... nom i still love someone else and i still love him 070528 ... nom and sometimes i think i'm still yet to fall in love for the first time be truly loved 070528 ... ezzie mitchell. 8 long years ago we ended that "first love". it was necessary, but now i feel like a fool. you know me better than anyone, but i still made you go. we see each other briefly every few years, and as we part i always feel as though i'm making a mistake. now where have you gone? i ache for you these days. 070724 ... u24 met her in Feb, moved in together in Oct, on her 18th birthday. Over 20 years together now, and 9 married. Son is 7. It always felt serious. I remember running across town to pick up the ring from the jewellers before they closed. Silver and peridot. Can't remember when we got engaged but it was long before we actually married. First night we met, heh. It was my first time in a pub. "Are you going to kiss me or what" 200616 what's it to you? who go blather from