the_returning Special K Last night I dreamed that I heard him on the front porch. His stirring woke me, and I slipped naked from my bed and dressed in the white terry robe that hangs in the bathroom. Softly stepping to the front window, I could see the headlights of his car as he backed away from my building. (This was the only way I knew it was a dream, by the way. There's no parking lot in front of my door.) What he had done was return all the things I'd ever given him. Books, cards, CDs, they sat in clumsy piles on my porch and on the white plastic furniture. That's the odd thing; not only had he returned what few things I'd actually had the opportunity to give him, he returned things I'd intended to give him, but never had the chance. I gathered it all in my arms, and brought it inside for safekeeping. When I woke up this morning I again walked to the front window, just to be sure I had been dreaming. If not for the image of the parking lot, I wouldn't be so sure. My subconscious wants me to realize that sleep is no shortcut to escape my hurt. 010801 ... Dafremen Well it WAS a dream and not a nightmare, so maybe your subconscious wants him to return all of the stuff you gave him. 010801 ... Special K No no, we all need souvenirs. Interesting topic, though. I always thought it was a very transparent metaphor, the returning of gifts after the split. That is to say, when everything goes to hell, we all know it isn't the tangible items one wants to take back. 010801 ... enriquecito gifts create intricate webs of obligation, indeed the original human economy was one of give rather than take. to give is to be owed; to take is to owe back. thus, when he returned the gifts in your dream, it was as if, with a razor, he had cut each strand of the web until the spider on the ceiling fell down, again, to be self-scurried or crushed. thing is, though, in actuality your gifts are deeply imbedded within him, mixed irretreivably with the stuff of his own self, of the same cloth, smell, and order as his very blood. and you know as well as the rest of us, dear, that his piles - were he really giving everything back - would be nowhere near haphazard. 010801 ... Dafremen Well hey there you two! Still as smooth as French Silk Pie I see enrique. In this case I'll hafta give ya points for insight though. Indeed in today's society it's suprising that noone has seen the obvious connection between our devolution into a society of takers and the increasing role of government in creating and maintaining a welfare state. Hmmm we are raised to take then the government offers to give. One need only look at the debate over whether or not welfare mothers could be forced to receive Norplant(R) contraceptive implants to see where this trend could lead if continued unchecked. We need to get back to those 'Old School' values. The rise of greed and indifference and the death of self reliance are disorders that are destroying EVERY segment of American society of every race creed and religion. Some more quickly and permanently than others. It must be stopped. So you really didn't want the stuff back after all huh S.K? Well send it to me. That's Roger Dafremen P.O. Box 00812 Homerrem, OH 21800 010801 ... Special K I disagree. I think that the emphasis of the dream was not the returning of the gifts, which made very little impression overall, but rather the man's presence on the porch, which filled me with fear. The idea that he could be there in the dark without me knowing it, the idea that I was sleeping, vulnerable, and that he could have caused harm, had he wanted to. I recognized that his actual gesture was at worst a minor emotional affront, but my discomfort was not thereby abated. It could have been worse, you see. Like I said, I can't shake off what's happened with just a good night's rest, that's all. This is more than I had intended to say on the matter... but I'm hoping it will be therapeutic. And Daffy, you wouldn't be impressed with the tokens, I don't think. I'm a lousy gift-giver. Very cheap. ;-) 010801 ... enriquecito yes, indeed, and I have to admit that he did show up on her porch one night at 3 in the morning, asked to be let in, and she was nice enough to do so - and even to let him wash the dogshit off of his boots in her bathtub. now if that ain't a woman upon whom one can rely, i don't know that one ever existed. i think what scared her was what he COULD have done, there on her thresh-hold, so close to her and with her in a semi-awake, dreamlike state. it frightened her to the core, knowing how badly she could have been hurt - i think, to the point at which sleep is little consolation. if he had it to do over again, i am sure, he would have driven around the other side of the park, and waited until the bright, steady morning to approach her, giftless in material, humbly in demeanor, and more honorably in character. 010801 ... enriquecito i think what's lost by the returning is far more profound by the material that is re-gained. we lose obligation, we lose a sense of the future, of hope, of the continued rolling-on of exchange and intimacy between one another. books, music, fine; connectivity, trust, and friendship - this loss cuts into the very soul and leaves one wondering and alone. 010801 ... Special K How badly I could have been hurt, indeed. (Russian Roulette springs to mind.) Having been spared this time, it is a game I know I do not have the fortitude to play again. My pleasures and ambitions are simple, and his life is dark and complicated. How much better off I would be, standing on the outside, tenderly looking in. 010802 ... enriquecito if only love could be as lazarus, saved by transcendence against the cross-currents of faithlessness and that most virulent of afflictions, despair. i will forever regret the misstep, the note sung painfully out of register, that in the end alienated me forever from the one sould toward whom the gossamer roots of my reluctant heart were reaching, dizzy and enchanted. 010802 ... Dafremen Geez you really like to slather it on doncha? 010803 ... enriquecito she likes it rich, daffy. what can you do? sometimes you have to burn to shine. 010803 ... Dafremen Hey man if that has something to do with GETTIN' SOME you mustn't do that! You might accidentally attract females from other parts of the globe with your hypnotic words do0d. Then you'd be knee deep in SOME, either way you look at it. 010803 ... enriquecito i hear ya, bro. what's the old chinese proverb? the recipe for a happy home: one woman under one roof, or something like that. my problem is, i've got roof and not much else right now. (so you're right on). 010804 ... Special K One woman under the roof. Hmm. Not too sure about that proverb... I've been a solitary woman under a roof for some time, and my home's been anything but happy. I must be doing it wrong. ;-) 010804 ... enriquecito in terms of marriage. that's what the proverb is referring to -- in other words, don't have two wives. 010805 ... Special K I was making a little joke, dearheart. I was about to blame it on my roof. ;-) 010805 ... Casey I went back last night and "hung out" with them for teh first time in months. It was weird, nothing had changed, and yet it still felt different. No one talked to me, they never did before. Yet, I still felt drawn to those who shun me. 010805 ... k_again I come back to read where things might have been set right. He's dead now, you see, and no one is surprised. 030414 ... Dafremen Oh I am, love. I was just reading this and wondering why you two were just a blather footnote. It seems like he cared an awful lot. 030822 ... somebody blather_tragedy 030824 what's it to you? who go blather from