The Spork Stupid phrases i have heard in my working life

"Mission Statement" - i'm sorry, but that shit just makes me think of Star Trek every fucking time i hear it, any mission statement longer or more complex than "Do it right, do it better than the other guy and don't screw it up" is an exercise in consultant-abetted managerial masturbation

Vision Statement - it all looks rather brown from back here, if you know what i mean, sort of like the saying about how the scenery never changes until you become the lead dog. Again this phrase and the affiliated nasty habit of turning the word vision into its own verb ("visioning," "The visioning process") can be blamed on that species of corporate parasite called the "consultant" a creature who is paid five times the going rate for anything but manages to produce no tangible result

Worst of all, the staff will be required at some point to break from their assigned tasks to attend some ridiculous meeting to hear about the vision statement, the mission statement and how they might have to remember all that stupid shit if another corporate remora called a "quality auditor" comes to visit

"Drill down" - ugh. This phrase is meant to imply that something will be examined into in greater depth or detail, but every time i hear it i just wish i worked somewhere where i could make like that guy on the news this past week and put an 18" drill-bit through my own head

"thinking outside the box" - i have a cat who thinks outside the box sometimes, and usually when he does, it leaves me something nasty to sort through and clean up afterwards. more often than not this is true of managers and other species of boss as well

"work smarter, not harder" - translation: skate and delegate - never invest too much of your own time in something you can always pawn off on a group of underlings

"Strategic Planning" - duh. By nature and definition all plans are strategic, this s why you never hear about planned anarchy or planned disarray as being something successful, as evinced by the great sarcastic oxymoron "organized chaos"

The scary part is to be at lunch and hear conversations take place that actually involve large chunks of jargon

I couldn't make up my mind whether to laugh or vomit when i heard a couple of middle management twits at another table having this conversation one day, not long ago (no shit):

"So, word comes down from the top that the auditor from [name of auditiing firm] is coming next month to renew our (name of certfication) and the rest of the team is supposed to have a nine o'clock tomorrow, you know sort of a visioning session to try and drill down on the issues we have with our mission statement since the main office doesn't think it covers enough ground, so they're bringing in a couple of consultants from (name of consulting firm) to bring in a fresh perspective, you know, to think outside the box."

I swear to jesus, if he had manage to work the line about working smarter and not harder i was gonna jam my fork in his trachea
User24 I have exactly the same issues as you in this respect. why do business people speak in riddles? 030902
misstree because it's a great way of sounding like you're saying something without actually commiting yourself to either fact or opinoin. 030902
minnesota_chris most of the business-speak words have french roots. I heard someone saying the word "strategizing", which I think replaces the much shorter word "planning". But as its based on a French word, it sounds uber sophisticated. 030902
ex vomitorium actionable
action item
User24 actionable, yeah, that's one I hear every day, along with deliverables 030902
oldephebe I loathe the truncating and colloquialism of tested and proven management and or business terms/ethos.

It's a sure sign of someones sincerity and authenticity - umm I will return to this blathe later, but as much as i abhor the business ethic taken to it's highest and most inhuman, and purest form - there are some business terms and concepts that are hybrids of concepts, and some are entirely new concepts emerging out of the chaos of the post-tech bubble burst scene - and yes the unique challenges of brick and mortar business against internet virtual, pristine universe of online transactions - hybrids and chimera's and renovation of business philosophy/strategies and actual delivery of services and or product direct to consumer are pretty much par for the course - in todays "in flux" state of being - in business.

it's real hoary and hairy out there..
I'll be back later to fill in the blank spaces - give an orderly substantiation of my assertions - wow you just could of said exposition and that would have saved you 14 or 15 words or so...
oldephebe actually The Spork and others made some really good points - but ah there are some redeeming verities to some of the new theories of business constructed to deal with the swiftly changing topography of infrastructures and markets - as well as percieved expectations down through the supply chain, umm..on the whole though consultants are probably a more disengenuos lot - but managers that have an entrepreneurial spirit, managers that can earnestly transmit that ethos and the pay off to his subordinates or "team" - if an ethos can be transmitted across interdependant and competing fiefdoms, and if everyone experiences a tangible payoff as a direct result of their sweat equity or applying those values and even some innovations of their own then yeah the company as a whole can remain viable, employees directly sharing in the success and managers who aren't so invested in their egos or position that they become intolerable to work with, that's a lot of if's sure but - the thing that must be transmitted is the payoff - that's the carrot - a democratic environment - i think if you can transmit authentic belief in the core competncies or whatever term you want to choose - entrpreneurial ethos - then it becomes infectuous - okay i'm statrting to bore myself -

i liked the comment about stuffing the fork down someone's trachea - sometimes it's hard to endure the parroting of catchechisms of management-speak

cosmo sometimes it's hard to endure the parroting of catchechisms of oldephebe 030904
oldephebe well i say just skip over it and you won't have to endure it - choose not to read it or not -

but here's the thing parroting a catchechism is rote recapitulation of a script or inculcation or something - my rambling esuaries of incontinence are just kind of extemporaneous exhalation -i don't really pause to edit or proof read - or write out what i want to say - i just kind of let it flow - but the big blue is large enough to encompass both of us - so be well cosmos

oldephebe estuaries the word is estuaries - geez! 030904
harrisonbergeron It's part of the modernistic's been going on since the 50's in some shape or form, only changing with the evolving techincal jargan to feed it. It's like how, if you played sports as a kid, the coach used phrases like "Hustle" and the legendary "there's no 'I' in 'Team'" over and over again. It's supposed to strip the personality away from otherwise bland things and focus on the group as a whole, trying to get you to feel like part of some big succesful's sort of utopian on a small level. It's more yuppie than anything. People are paid to create these cheap emotionless sales pitches. 030905
harrisonbergeron oldephebe does the same thing I's stream of's what blather is. there's no fun if it's all premeditated....there's no fun if it's overly edited and critiqued. 030905
minnesota_chris WRONG! Editing is fun and trendy and uber cool. I saw Tom Cruise editing something yesterday, and Kevin Spacey said "Wow Tom, nice editing!" 030910
misstree don't forget verbage,
aka the exact precise phrasing of
the orders that come from the
tribal chieftans and shamans
that must be followed, even if
its flaws and misleadings are
blindingly obvious, because
that is How it is Done.
see: psalms_of_profit 040126
Lemon_Soda blech... 040126
c: psalms_of_profit 040126
oldephebe Sprint into Slaughter

we sat slumped,
hollowed eyed,
spent from our exertions...
our perversions
i watched
the sweat
cool upon her muscled deltoids,
her arms,
her legs,
striated sensuous steel..
and O
how i
knew the agony
their embrace,
of her embrace,
her thoroughbred heart
gouging out every beat,
such a heart,
i listened to it's terror,
to her terror
and how it never slept,
watched her
sprint into slaughter
over and over
her endless journey
into emptiness
what's it to you?
who go