2018 nr let's just be super candid and un-nr-blatherlike, shall we? january-april: stomach infection. (yes. a stomach infection that lasted four months.) may/june: dated someone briefly who i liked, and it was going well until he decided he didn't like me as much. june: applied for a full-time job with the magazine company i freelance for and didn't get it. oh well. but then noticed that in later issues of the magazines, some similar stories to the ones i'd pitched as part of my application started appearing. it could've been coincidence, as they weren't the exact pitches, but it would've been nice if i'd been asked me to write some of those. especially since, even though the editor-in-chief didn't hire me, he said my application was great and he wanted me to write for them more. and also, re the company: they had accounting issues this year, so i didn't get paid for eight months. october: found out mom was diagnosed with a fatal degenerative disease. mid-november: got my first UTI in almost a year. i'd been getting recurrent ones before that for about a year and a half, but they'd thankfully eventually stopped. late november: got dumped by someone who, despite not having been with for super long, felt right for me even potentially in the long-term, and who liked me so much that he poured on the intensity for the first half of the time (inviting me to family celebrations. talking about the future. saying i'd meant everything to him and he couldn't wait to live life with me and grow next to me. sending me care packages. paying for my flight.) only to claim feeling overwhelmed by the second half. today: have another UTI already, which is insane and also a bit worrisome because two years ago, these are what started a slew of unexplained health issues that lasted for that year and a half and finally mostly went away this year. so, to sum up: go fuck yourself, 2018. 181210 ... smurfus rex January: Eviction by mail while I'm away from home for a month February: Move us to a new house and horse to a new barn March: Wife attempts suicide, nearly succeeds April: Increased scrutiny from my command due to suicide attempt May: Taken off of Norway deployment roster June: Eviction from new barn with less than two weeks' notice July: Diagnosed with hereditary rheumatoid condition that could lead to medical separation August: Became nondeployable due to medication September: Horse has a mystery fever and weight loss that lasts 45 days, vet has no idea what's wrong October: Big argument with the wife, says she'd leave me if she could afford to live alone November: Wife gets back on her medication schedule, reverses course and realizes she can't do it alone, absorbs all my free time to help get her small business off the ground and take care of her horse December: Mom calls and says my uncle had a heart attack in Dallas and my oldest cousin is having tests done to find out why she is gaining so much weight so fast. 20 days to go...but 2018 can go fuck itself for real. 181211 ... arwyn January - March: Endless waiting on disability decision. It finally comes and I am rejected. Decided not to reapply. March: Convinced that everyone thinks I'm lazy, I get a dream volunteer position where I get to work in the vault of a museum. I get excited and start to dream about doing this for a living. I work my ass off thinking, maybe everyone *was* right and I finally see light at the end of a very long tunnel. April - first panic issues at volunteering. I try to adapt and make this work. Everyone is so proud of me and I feel like an imposter. May - I start throwing up before volunteer work, but I've started applying to grad school for this because it's wonderful to have a dream for the first time in years. June - Still throwing up, but losing hope as I start having panic attacks in the bathrooms and throwing up at the museum. July - I give up on this dream once I am hospitalized for a breakdown. August - more panic as my son starts football. more depression as I mourn yet another dream gone to shit. I start writing again. September - I live in a world of teenage drama thanks to the teenager I live with. I stop writing because why bother? October - I reapply for disability. November - I start writing again. December - fuck the holidays. once again I'm reminded that my entire fucking family hates me and that I'm completely alone in this world aside from my wife and child, both of whom I feel like a burden to. 181212 ... unhinged the first half of this year was typical to the way my life has been going recently. i was celibate and focusing on work. after enough shitty platonic and romantic encounters i decided to stop expecting better out of others and just focus on myself. working off my debts, trying to come up with some better employment. around may, i got involved in my union's contract negotiations. i went to contract action meetings. i was a hub of information for my coworkers. i was getting people on our informational picket lines. i was on the picket line myself. after six months of bullshit from the corporation (surprise surprise), the negotiations went our way when management realized black friday was coming and we would be on strike if they didn't stop fucking around. our direct actions did something that i thought was impossible. we stood together and made the corporation acknowledge our contributions and actually reward us for our hard work instead of giving us, the people that actually make the money for the corporation, nothing or worse than nothing and lining their own pockets and the pockets of the shareholders. unions work. solidarity works. direct action works. it is a lesson that has been beaten out of americans in more ways than one for decades. but i now live in a place that was pretty damn radical when it came to unions one hundred years ago so the community support is still there. (lots of organizing by the international workers of the world in the pacific northwest back in the day. the echos are still reverberating). my mother's health has been bad all year. a headache 'disorder' the doctors can't really fix. a bad back. prediabetes. she doesn't leave the house much anymore. she is sixty five. not old enough to be an ailing recluse. she is getting bummed from being chronically ill. i am going to spend christmas with her. (i found someone. we have been together for more than three months now. which is sadly one of the longest relationships i've ever had. my heart reaches for him when he's not around. my mind is still hesitant, recovering maybe from that last major heartbreak that lead to my last long bout of celibacy. yes, i still have trust issues decades in the making. but at the risk of jinxing it, this one seems different. parts of me are growing, unfurling, reaching towards the sun after years of being buried. thanks honey. i feel more myself than i have in years.) 181213 what's it to you? who go blather from