jose ungreat when i call i say hey you, and you respond hey beautiful. you call me beautiful every fucking day and i dont know what to do with that, except feel like im in sixth grade and that cute boy finally noticed my existence. you know i let you date me as an experiment to myself, to prove im not close minded and judgmental, and totally fake basing everything on appearances, like every other american. I dated you because i thought you had this great personality, you were funny and got my sarcasm and warped sense of humour. and then last night you called me and talked to me the whole way home, and thats when i started to realize that i just might feel something more than plutonic. and today when we were shooting the breeze in between shifts of work, i kept thinking you might be worth the leap of faith, you might be worth letting myself get hurt. i just hope you dont expect me to be the answer to all your hopes and dreams, and that you dont expect this relationship to fix whatever holes you have, because nothing can do that, except you, but ill hold your hand. thats all i can give you right now, and i hope thats ok. 071219 ... ungreat you know i cried the other nite after i hung up with you because i just felt all these things like some one turned my emotions on for the first time, and now today its like they got turned off. im cold and im not even angry or disappointed. it's your life. not mine we arent married we share nothing. and you know i do all these nice things for you like bring you lunch and visit when youre down and drive all the fuck over the place to get your tire fixed knowing the whole damn time i'm never gunna get any of this back. yes i like to be the martyr i like to be in control, no you havent cheated or out right lied to me. and i know you think that laying in bed makes everything all right that spending time with me makes it all better. but something isnt working out. it's like the early warning sign that i should just stop this, but i cant. i wish you knew how incapable i was at living. I think you know and secretly take it for granted. you know i'll never end this because im easy going and low maintence and therefore much harder to let down. well congrats, cuz you succeeded. you let me down and it seems you need me more than i need you. So here's the question for tomorrow if the sun ever rises for us; what are we doing here? no really tell me because i have no fucking clue. everytime we might maybe spend time together you go out with people and don't understand why i get mad. you guilt trip me into feeling bad that you stay out late you make me feel bad that i wont move in with you when we've fucking been together for barely 3 months. What the hell are we doing? i know you've been in lust with me since the first time you saw me just about, i know you think im the one, but did you ever stop to think i might need convincing? yes i said i love you. but dont you realize that can only be spread so thin? don't you realize that i feel like im putting in more of this. i realized i dont want a relationship where it feels like im not giving my fair share so i stepped up and started caring and fucking opened up and its like you know youve got me hooked, but youre wrong. i'm a little more callused than you think, and i'm sorry i cant help but be jaded. and tonite i think this may be it. because i cant answer the question. 080223 what's it to you? who go blather from