indulge_me unhinged GOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i have felt nothing but anger for you for months and in the past couple weeks in particular. i would like to ask you one question before i am deluded enough to feel some closure between us. what do you want out of me? or maybe slightly better phrased how do you think i should feel about what you've been saying to me lately? i'd like to think that this is all just a gross misunderstanding, but i can't be 'friends' with you when you seem obviously pained to be in my presence and i can watch you rehearsing what you are going to say to me from across the room. WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF ME? you make me so angry i want to break glass or bash your face in or maybe dislocate your shoulder; and my rational mind has never been too pleased by my anger and hostility. i've been trying to improve my life ( right actions, right mind, right life) but everytime i'm around you the conditioning of many years of hate just bubbles up inside and i would like nothing better than to smash your face in. but i let you pass me the pipe like nothing was wrong, that it was okay that you broke my confidence so that you could get a laugh out of it. and why exactly have you been so fixated on our past lately? what about me made you not trust me enough to sleep on your couch the first couple nights you met me? what made you bring that up tonight? do you have a brain in your head (or) do you ever use it to think about how your words and actions might affect others? i am tired of being angry; anger has no use in my life. it drains me and saps away all my energy for anything else. when i met you, i was so crazed i would have rather been angry than feel nothing at all. and i don't feel too bad for the dramatic_irony of how i feel about you right now. i'm just tired of being angry and if being with you makes me angry than i am done. i want you to leave me the fuck alone until or unless you can grow up and stop using me as your emotional dumping ground. i would also like my cds and my books back from you and your girlfriend. i had a flashback tonight. i'm too drunk to recall the title of the page, but i wrote about how i used to duck outside at the practice space when she was driving me too crazy and just sit outside praying for some fresh air, reconciliation ... anything to make the anger go away. she used to make me so angry. i barely remember the way i was before her. i sat on the porch alone at the cramer house with a beer in my hand watching the drunk fucks stumble past because i didn't want to ruin everyone else's night with my hostility. i'm so tired of being angry. 060401 ... unhinged i'm past the point in my life where i feel that the delusion of alcohol and pot is enough to fill in the holes of miscommunication and anger i finally love myself enough to see the futility in drowning i'm trying to learn how to swim but you make it so damn difficult i want to burden you with my anger and then walk_away and you and your thrift store girlfriend can be happy i'll find an eloquent way to say this someday 060401 ... unhinged i think we have progressed so far past sheer_stupidity that i'm just stuck. i started meditating more and i can easily look at the way you treat me as you being so locked into your own suffering that you don't see it; how you hurt me and use me. my old self would have continued to be your friend, supporting you, hoping you'd turn your act around, without ever saying much about it, my own feelings. but another side_effect of my meditation is that i've grown some self_respect and feel even more strongly that walking away isn't selfish. i still find myself wondering what the fuck you want out of me. i want to get it all out. i want you to know all of it. i want to leave it in your court. i would love to be able for us to stay friends, but i can't say i would be particularly sorry if afterwards we weren't. i need to tell you and get it all out. friends, at least by my definition, should be able to talk about things like that without it pulling them apart. and then you called today; your pretty much regular bi-weekly call. i figured you forgot that i told you i was going to be in ohio and you didn't leave a message so *shrugs* i probably shouldn't have called you back. i heard the you i had so desperately been missing in your 'is everything alright? i mean how are you?' the quiet concern you usually drowned out with your false loud brashness. but you called earlier when she was in orchestra; she wasn't around so you thought you could turn to me. and i can't deal with that; being the second_string_woman , the bi_weekly_friend . i can't really deal with her hostility; ever since she freaked the fuck out that day i just don't want to be around her. not to mention how torturous it was for me to help you two move in to your place together. it was easier for me to pretend i was satisfied with being your 'friend' when there wasn't another girl around. when i didn't have to see the way you looked at her, which was painfully different from any way you ever looked at me. i don't want to live with the lurking question of what exactly makes her better than me whenever the three of us are together. we can't help who we love/like/care enough about to be with on that other level. you can't help my past. but it's just too painful for me; i thought i could get past it. but i can't. i just can't. you made my heart flop over, even more dangerously at a time when i was so numb and crazy i was beginning to doubt whether my emotional heart was going to survive. if i could stop myself from all the harm i wanted to use to distract me, then there was you. i thought i could get past being somehow somewhat in_love with you. but i can't. i just can't. 060411 ... unhinged yes, i think there will always be that twinge of jealousy when the three of us are together. the horribly nagging echoing_thought of how i wasn't good enough. i'm not in_love anymore; the jealousy is all that remains. 060907 ... unhinged whenever we get into it about 'us' your baggage always comes up. well guess what i have baggage too it's so crazy ironic that you two know each_other ; that you worked together right before me and you ran into each_other again. he was one in a string of guys that put me in the friend corner. that's a heavy rock i still carry in my suitcase. and for all the other heavy rocks you put in that suitcase, i allowed you to put there, i won't let you make the 'friend' rock any bigger anymore. i love you. in this big aching way that makes no sense. i love you. in this irrational way that defies reality. i love you. in this unhealthy way that causes me to make bad choices over and over. it's time for me to make_better_choices 120830 what's it to you? 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