someone_explain elimeny since ive been single, ive repeated to myself over and over and over that i want to find someone, so i wont be lonely anymore, so that i can have that happiness again. so whats wrong with me? the past six months there have been wonderful people that ive just cast off, gotten sick of. it just doesnt make sense to me. i mean, i can set my watch to it - at about a month i say goodbye, finding whatever excuse i can to get rid of them. and im getting crueler and crueler, and i hate myself for it. and i can see it coming. i get someone whom i have been pursuing, and suddenly im beginning to feel that old familiar feeling. seeking out the flaws... im wondering if im just running scared? im not a bad person, but i know ive been a bitch. at the same time, when i say i want these people out of my life, i mean it. when will this go away? maybe this is why i need to be single... i will after the summer, i will. ill just have my summer fling with him, and then ill let go, and focus on school. 030602 ... minnesota_chris Answer: move to Minnesota and be my sweetie. I don't have any flaws. And blather more please. 030729 ... screwing fro virginity im the same way. every relationship i have been in i have thought from the get go "how will this one end" 030730 ... nomme how to explain explanation how to define definition how to create creation 030731 ... misstree everything ends, through its death or your own. to look at the end is to miss all the in betweens. the end is just where you close the equation and see what you've left with, both scars and flowers. and be kind--everyone is as messed up, hurt, confused, and vulnerable as you. if you think you are none of these things you are hiding it well from yourself, and god help you when it all sneaks up on you. 030731 ... the equalizer Essentially this is a question of giblets. I suggest a complete course of colonic irrigation. For only when you have rid yourself of all that festering turd will you attain emotional equilibrium and be connected once again to the cosmic market place of cleansed essences. 030731 ... Dafremen If you don't mind asking again, I don't mind taking a shot at answering. see also: ask_daf (see: shameless_self_promotion ) 030731 ... Bloody Trail Nobody wants to be lonely. Maybe some people are too scared to be anything else. Maybe if one day you're so scared someone a thousand miles away isn't thinking about you and you know they are and that you're the center of their world and you beg them not to leave you then you were never really there with them, if you couldn't tell you were with them, if you weren't wrapped up in their love so much you could just feel it, if you were still lonely when someone gave you their heart to hold and to keep. If you were running scared though, what were you running from? From something that was there damn it. From someone who loved you. From something you wanted so badly that after all that running you kept coming back and kept thinking of reasons not to but came back anyhow in whatever form. You ran, he let you run, you'd told him not to, but you wanted out and he can't deny you anything you ask. Even if he fights himself and begs to have you back against your wishes, the urge is too strong, but he doesn't want you to have anything but what you want. Even if he wanted you to want him more than he's ever wanted anything else. Ever. Maybe after you've been single a while you'll have found whatever makes you feel so alone and have fixed it. Maybe you could have found it together if you'd tried. Maybe it's the obvious, maybe you can never really trust anyone again because you gave out so God damned much trust before and then been turned on by people you believed in. Maybe you'd rather just trust in strangers who don't give a damn. You won't be single for long though, men won't stand for it, but the two of you fought for each other and against each other for so damned long like a couple of turncoats in a sick civil war. And there are corpses lining the battlefield, needless deaths, but deaths nonetheless. Things that never would have gone wrong if you hadn't run or he hadn't tried so hard to let you that he kept fucking things up worse than they were in the first place or if he hadn't fought so hard to keep you from running that it drove you further away and scared him more and mafe him fight harder again. But the point is you ran. And now it all looks stupid. And that makes you look right. And you got away. But you won't be single forever. Even if it kills him to know you can't just let it be him you aren't single with...that we've already killed it so badly that if there is some issue you have left to work out that it won't be him you're with once you have. And all for stupid reasons. Thousands of them maybe, but still stupid. The war's over and there's nothing but the smell of rotting corpses and flashbacks and yet he can't leave. But you did. Good for you. There's someone sitting alone on an abandoned battleground crying, and he's oh so proud of you. You're not like those cowards who fear getting hurt, you march bravely away not trusting anyone. And maybe he's an asshole, but back when you'd let him in at first what first made him love you so damned much was just how fearless you were, how you'd never had any reason to trust but you did it anyhow. Maybe he was wrong, or maybe it was just a limited time trust, or maybe the reason you run away really is that everyone else isn't right for you and all this is just bs, but maybe just maybe sometimes running away was a way to get rid of a problem, and sometimes it was a way to create one in the first place. Who knows. I used to, but then I lost it. It's too much. It's not cruel though, not to them, they chose to get into whatever they got into. It's only cruel to you if you run away from something good, good if you run away from something bad, but this is about you. What do you want? "It" will go away as soon as you let it...as soon as you find someone trustworthy and trust them and let yourself go...I wish you'd done it before but I guess you couldn't somehow...I hope someone else out there is worth all the trouble because you sure as hell can't afford to trust and be betrayed again. And you can't go through life never trusting again. 030828 ... misstree is speechless and awed. 030828 ... elimeny i wish... look, i really wanted to make it work with you, and thats why i stepped in so fearlessly. but the point is that it didnt. and as much as i wish it could have, it DIDNT. it WONT. i wish more than anything i could make you understand... but i cant, and you only hear what you want to hear, and you only listen to the sound of your own voice and the things that you hope apply to you... and God i love some of the things youve said, and i have no way of saying how much i will miss you, and what sort of mixed feelings i get. but its over, and i cant make it work out, and i cant make myself feel something, though God knows i tried... i wish i could make you understand, but nothing i do works. 030829 ... oldephebe Bravo! bloody trail et al 030830 ... von Goethe you're looking for something deeper than a signifigant other. you're looking to fill a signifigant gap in yourself you haven't yet become signifigantly aware of. know thyself. 030830 ... oldephebe how can you know what is not there - how can you keep from turning into smoke when you reach in and find twilight growing tall within your chest - sometimes theres nothing - only the ability to reflect off of something, to react to something ... 030830 ... celestias shadow I dunno, i kinda think being single is better. then again, all the guys I know absolutely suck, or they have girlfriends, or i just don't want them. good luck anyways. 030831 ... elimeny after a few shots of tequila the other night, my friend informed me i use sex for validation. and i dont quite understand why, or how it works... or what im doing wrong, or how to fix it. what do i do? i want to have sex because i enjoy it, and honestly, i really dont find it all that pleasurable... so why do i do it so much? how does one stop? 030901 what's it to you? who go blather from