right_now Tess i am with you right now and free 000107 ... Q ? 000118 ... Q i mean come over (forgot the earlier one here) 000118 ... keeper right now i need you, just to be here, i need not a single word from you, just your presence 010418 ... Sonya Right now I am tired and I should sleep but my thoughts refuse to let me. I am cold yet numb. I am losing my resolve. I feel blessed yet cursed. I am happy yet angry. I am just sleepy. 011027 ... kingsuperspecial I am so drunk it hurts I am totally alone. nobody really cares. it could stop right now and that would be fine. why do I even bother? except that I have so much time invested in pain that it would seem unbelievably ironic to just give in. ah, shit. fuck. fuck it all 020927 ... the shut up bitch i fucking hate everything. 031007 ... ... ...i just wanna stay away from them all... 050605 ... otterpup i wish you could be here and breath in the taste of me like you have before really, anyone would do but in the morning i'd wish it had been you i'll wait, i keep telling myself i'll wait. 050625 ... palm I am dying from all the butterflies in my stomach. I think about you and I get nauseous. 050625 ... Ouroboros it's going without thinking it all the way through- it's not knowing ahead of time- it's throwing shit into a bag and hoping you have everything- it's flying into one city in the morning and driving out the same night- it's having nothing in common with a childhood friend- it's listening to suggestions of strangers in supermarkets- it's flying to a country all by yourself- it's trying new things- it's taking chances- it's riding on the back of a motorcycle- it's trusting yourself to not trust someone fully- it's accepting stolen gifts- it's leaving behind the person who loves you- it's arriving in the hospitality of friends- it's trusting yourself to know what you want- it's trusting the universe to give you what you need- it's loving your parents and not listening to them- it's last minute changes of plans- it's looking in the mirror and smiling- it's wearing hiking sandals to a swanky club- it's everything it's all of it. 060929 ... the ash tray says: alone, but if i had wanted to i could have been surrounded by dozens of people. i'd have opted for two or three if there was a choice in the intensity, so i took one as it was the option closest to the desired effect. i've been kind of out of it since the phone call earlier today. sitting naked wrapped in a blanket after catching the phone (it sounded urgent) right before stepping in the shower. we had a talk that was more shaking than our usual jovial conversations. our voices caught, i was near tears, she was at them. it made me either want to be alone, with her, or with a small group of friends. and thus, as the options dictated, alone it is. its strange we've only really started to hit some turbulence recently, in the run up to our one year, and now the day after. but, i know, in many ways it has to do with forces beyond my control and a certain distance measured not in age or space but experience. she really needs to move out and knows it, i've been living away from my parents for nearly four years. she's two years older than me and chaffing, i'm chaffing for her two. but at least i get her smiles when we're together. a certain connection that has reached a state of beauty on two of the three levels she discussed.. and the third, well that one wasn't too bad til the early summer when everything was shaken up (or dampened) by a sudden unwelcome increase in intensity of her family (siblings, parents, all descending on what had been her haven and turning it to a hell). we do what we can because that's all we can, but it might not be enough, not in the short run (i'm not afraid of the long run as we already have those boats built, but it's the short run that has me worried, saddened). but i've said too much. i haven't said enough. its still on my mind, and will be until this third boat is repaired from the damage its sustained. hopefully when she does leave they will float between us as geography will be our new challenge, but until then we have the challenges of the here, the now, and the flesh. 060929 ... Ouroboros feeling stuck between desires and time 061031 ... hsg question are_you_dreaming ? 090727 ... sahba i am falling to pieces 090727 ... In_Bloom Yes, I think so Night run into mornings and I can't know for sure if I've slept or dreamed I slept or if what I heard as your lips moved was sound or a thought Lucidity prevails 090727 ... nandita I feel beautiful! 091210 ... Soma I am writing a paper on the collapse of society portrayed through "the hollow men" and "the lottery." 9 more hours to go. Writefest! 091210 ... Ouroboros Blah and procrastination and gray sky and sleep deprived and last week of school and BLAH 091210 ... Ouroboros and mom still has cancer and ex is on facebook and the govt is charging me $90 and and and head explodes 091210 ... cannedie im_really_hurt but I'm strong_enough to find out where she may have gone. 101012 ... unhinged in the face of death, i appreciate life 120113 ... rubydee i live for the smallest_joys a hug from my girls a kiss from my husband a phone_call from a friend a connection with a stranger even a banal_joke from the wretched_nurse right_now is all there is breathe. meditate. be_here_now appreciate having one_more_day hurtling_thru_space don't take anything for granted say "thank_you" to your body everyday for today & being here 121121 what's it to you? who go blather from