meaningful_conversation .sunshine. it's all i want. anyone want to join in? 010507 ... god howdy-doo! 010508 ... unhinged "so when can we talk like real people again?" when i have the time to be a real person when you realize that i'm more than the ideal you have made out of me when i stop finding out that the lines you use on me have been uttered from your mouth to hundreds of different ears when you grow up when i stop being pissed off when i'm not on a pedestal anymore when you quit using me to pass your theory final so i guess that means never 010509 ... the one I know that what you say means more, because you arent concerned with filling silence with stupid nonsense. I know that everything you say is meaningful and when i talk to you, everything else floats away. 010822 ... There are ideas to converse meaningfully about. 010822 ... unhinged i think i'm ready for some meaningful_conversation now. hopefully, you will be willing to listen to what i have to say after three months of almost silence. 010822 ... The Truth Let's hear it. I guess we'll never know if we are ready to hear it until we hear it. I am curious. Three months is a long incubation period for meaningful conversation. Let's hear it. 010822 ... silentbob she told me that aside from their fucking, they had hadn't had a decent conversation since they broke up. he would just fuck her, finish, and not wait for her. she told me she couldn't help it, even though she hated him. she told me she knew her kisses were fake and that he didnt hold her after they were done. she told me she wonders who else he does this to. 010823 ... unhinged xenophile is a good place to start. i've never really ever been able to say what was on my mind. when i was in high school i had all these wishes for college. i have an imagination that i can get carried away with on occasion and i've always lived my life in dreams. i always thought that everything dissatisfying about my life would disappear when i went to college because i was young and stupid. but it didn't. nothing got measurably worse either but but the crushing ability of unsatisfied dreams can be great and it depressed me. i have spent the past two years of my life depressed. sometimes it is worse than others; sometimes it is so bad that i have scars to show for it. and you made me happy. child-like, innocent happiness that i haven't felt in so long. and i couldn't do anything but push it away. i remember when my sister moved away for college and i had to go to school late that day because i couldn't stop crying. me and my sister weren't particularly close; i didn't cry because i was going to miss my sister; i cried because my routine was being disrupted. even though i had no room for unhappiness when i was with you, when you left i had too much time for thought. too much time to realize that my life was being interrupted in ways i probably wasn't ready for. so i pushed you away. i have a good knack for doing that to people who care about me. the truth is the relationship we had was the only one in my life that has ever made me happy. you were always so honest with me and i can't forgive myself for not being able to give the same thing to you. the thing i've been looking for and thought i always wanted and i couldn't give it to you. when i was in milwaukee i heard one of THE most beautiful performances of my life and the only thing it brought to mind was you. and the night we sat by the fountain for hours and talked. that was all i could think of and i had to leave the masterclass early because my heart broke. i don't regret anything that happened between us either but i do regret, and it is the biggest regret of my life, the way i treated you. i have no right to say anything other than i'm sorry to you. and i just wanted to tell you this in person and that's why i never called you. there were so many times that i wanted to call you. so many times that i wanted to tell you this before now. but i needed to see your face. i can't run from myself anymore and i'm sorry that you were the person that made me have to catch up. i think i need to go out for a cigarette now. wanna come? 010823 ... Dafremen (closure by proxy inc.) Nicole, I'm glad you wrote. I've spent all of this time wondering what I did to hurt you so badly. You would not BELIEVE the long list of 'things-i-did-wrong' that I came up with. Are you alright? I hope that whatever you're going through, you come out happy on the other side, really. I WANTED this thing to work, seriously, and I still care for you deeply, but if your dreams are waiting for you, how could I live with myself if you missed your dreams because I was living out mine with you? I couldn't. You deserve everything you've ever dreamt and more, I want that for you. Please don't feel bad about not telling me sooner, it hurts to see you sad. Don't worry about me, I can handle this, at least you didn't just leave me wondering, that REALLY would've hurt. I'll always have you, you'll always have me and we'll have all our shared memories to bind us together(like that night at the fountain). I'm glad you're finding yourself, and I'm glad I could play some small part in making that happen for you. No need to explain about that performance in Milwaukee, I understand completely. The time I had with YOU was the most beautiful performance of my life... The bad part is over, I think I'm alright and I hope you are too. Now...don't just stand there! Your dreams are waiting...got get em! No matter where they take you, know this: I'll be rooting for you always, k? Love, ____________ Message delivered c/o Dafremen - - 010824 ... unhinged oh daf you are completely precious 010824 ... unhinged glad that this meaningful_conversation ended in meaningless_sex 011007 ... Dafremen Well hey, I'm a showman, not a magician. 011127 ... ClairE Ooh, more simon_and_garfunkel is in my head. You know the kind of conversations you have when you meet someone new and appealing, and who is going to be central in your life, and you are drunk on meeting them and filling yourself up with learning about them? I talked on the phone for seven_and_a_half hours once. 011130 ... nah....! john_christopher: 9 hours. 011130 ... IWishICouldHitDavidWithABaseballBat Something that usually results in my irritation, eventually. 030119 ... Mahayana tactile denial shaping what is not to come 030119 ... themaninthemirror my wife and i met on the phone. it was hours and hours and before it was over it didn't matter what either of us looked like. it was already a done deal. we met a week later and never looked back. 040722 ... unhinged wordless_conversations 040722 ... unhinged it's time to have the talk. even the blather_oracle thinks so. 190418 ... falling_alone I trust you more now than I let on. At night you tell me secrets. Are they so secret you don’t even know? I won’t tell, not even you, the words you whisper in your sleep. Words that carry into the grey peeking through the blinds. I wonder if there will be a day I tell you why I trust you, that for all my fears of you leaving me, your dreams mirror true. “What will happen next year? When you go out into the world and they scoop you up and away from me?” Is this why you never fully let yourself be mine? Wishful thinking but I feel less alone 190418 ... falling_alone luckily i got locked away with you 220222 what's it to you? who go blather from