life_or_death_you_choose sword Revelation 20,21 & 22 020327 ... dionysos don't rush me! I'm thinking it over... 020327 ... yummyC life!!!!!! woke up with that feeling again. thats right kiddies, I'm oddly optimistic. 020327 ... so fucking lost or this weird nothingness where i get to float through everything and not touch anything. lie back and let it all wash over you. anything else is too hard at this point. 020328 ... bethany i dont think it's up to me...but i plan on living it up until my clock runs out 020328 ... continuous ache it feels as if i've chosen death... as if i am pulling myself by the hair [like that scene in fight club], kicking and screaming towards eternal quiet. there are so many little things in life that make me smile, but it's all mechanical. i'm just programmed to smile in all the right places, that's all. and all the things in life that could make me genuinely happy are unreachable, unattainable. i have disappointed everyone i have ever tried to please, and everyone who has ever graced me with love has quickly taken it back. i have done nothing to make myself memorable to the world. Life is dull and drags ceaselessy on. It just keeps ticking by, useless second by useless second. The scenery changes, but the story is the same. I am tired of this. I am not in control of myself. I cannot stop myself from feeling certain things or acting upon them. It seems unfair to give human beings all the freedom of a king in a jail cell. I fear ever bringing a child into this world. I would feel so guilty every time he/she watched a loved one rot in a hospital bed or get killed by some careless driver. Everytime that child shed a tear, it would drive me mad. Happiness is all well and good, but it doesn't last. AND happiness is not as whole as sadness. Sadness has a way of eating your entire mind and heart completely. When your closest friend dies, can you feel any joy? Nothing in this world could take away that incredible ache. Nothing numbs it, nothing helps. But when you're happy because you got the job you've dreamed of having for years, you can still feel sorrow because your wife just left you. So you see, we got cheated. And we're not talking about the guy that fucked up your change at the convenient store either. We got MAJORLY ripped off. Where does the concept of 'good' always prevailing come from anyway? 99% of our lives are spent watching Evil kick Good's ass around the playground, so what the fuck? Maybe I'm just a bitter little girl crying because she's not getting her way, but I think I just might have something here. Along that thread, what is evil? Is the word 'fuck' evil? If there is a Supreme Being, are they sitting around all day cringing about all the 'fucks' that come out of our mouths? I don't think so. 'Fuck' is a word made evil by society. It could have just as easily been, "Hey, why don't you go sheep yourself!" ....or plant, cup, door,whatever. Baby could've meant shit, and doctor could have meant insanity. Who knows what prompted the crackheads that first formed language. Who can say that different religions are wrong? Why is Christianity right but Hinduism isn't? Was the world connected when man first came about? Our languages are different because we didn't have world contact to form a universal one. Wouldn't that sort of explain different religious beliefs? If you were raised your entire life to believe that the sky was blue and you met some wacko one day who was convince it was fuschia, would you believe him? No, you'd just think he was a wacko. His explanations might make sense, but who the fuck cares? Religion is just another reason to argue, and we all know the world loves to argue. As far as I'm concerned, if it's better than this, I'll take death. The only thing that's keeping me here is that uncertainty. Death could be worse. Guess I'm stuck. 020329 ... reitoei lying on the thin guard rail of the bridge. a fall will kill me. i am balanced evenly, but delicately. a tip to the left is death, to the right is life. the wind picks up rocking me gently and then more violently. i close my eyes and let the breezes caress my face and hands. i lose my balance. im falling falling.... 020329 ... sword One thing is CERTAIN I have an eternal safety net. A strong eternal all knowing comforting loving father who holds my hand carries me through it all and when things get rough I know that there is a greater more beautiful sunrise ahead. I know this because it keeps getting better and better. I see God working in my life. Yes there are some very horrible things happening in this world. My only explanation is....For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. ephesians 6:12. There is a battle for your soul going on right now. Try and read the Bible or go to church see the opposition. There is a whole other world that you don't see. The spiritual. Religion...I don't like that word. It sounds fake . This I know is real. God's Word The Bible and that Jesus came here to die for my sins and yours as a once and for all sacrifice and he ROSE AGAIN!!! HE IS ALIVE! It is so simple to just accept Christ and to ask for forgiveness of your sins. Some people get tripped up on it like they have to do something to be accepted. He died for you yes you and you can do nothing to earn his acceptance. He has already accepted you. You just have to accept him. Its that simple. I see people all the time just wandering around lost and blind and hurting and I just want to put my arms around them and tell them how much God loves them and accepts them and that they can be free from that heavy empty nagging hopeless blackness that they try to numb out. I am so sorry for your pain. I can only tell you where the remedy can be found. God bless you! 020428 ... love & hate I choose life with you otherwise death if cannot have you. 040509 what's it to you? who go blather from