and_now_from_the_cheer_up_kid the cheer-up kid Ok, so in porn films, you’ve always got a problem of simple geometry. Maybe geometry’s the wrong word. Maybe I should say plumbing, anyway, essentially, how shall I put this, you’ve always got more sockets than plugs, right? I mean every guys got two holes and one stick, every girls got three holes and no stick. Ok, so if a girl’s getting it in the arse and the cunt and the mouth that’s four but that’s as far as you can go without getting stupid. Throwing more girls in there doesn’t help. OK if there’s still two guys left over she can always wank them off but what’s the point? If watching masturbation got me off I wouldn’t need to watch porn. I’ve got pretty much all I need right in front of me. What would happen if watching masturbation really did get you horny? It’d be like Oh god that looks good, oh god that feels..that looks…oh my god…It looks JUST LIKE IT FEELS. Men would just short circuit as soon as they turned twelve, little spotty adolescents collapsing of sexual exhaustion at the first hurdle. But it doesn’t look sexy. It looks like someone overfilling a sausage and then squeezing some pus out of it. So how do you deal with this problem…too many holes, the girl ends up wedged in by a load of guys arses until all you can see is guys hairy arseholes moving towards and away towards and away and you’re thinking “Am I supposed to be able to enjoy this, or is that gay?” Gay porn has none of these problems. Lesbian porn is just boring I don’t care what you say. If its all you can get fair enough but its simple, two girls, six holes no stick. Making up for it by wailing. Anyway lesbians don’t have sex anything like they do in porn videos…whereas me and my girl do it just like on the telly oh yes…right up to the grunting facials via the double anal. Actually, I’ll give the girl on girl one thing, the fisting. Its rare to find it in this country but oh yeah the fisting…its just the idea of it whahay. Take it right up to the elbow, yeah…lift em up and just spin em around…sorry I’m losing my point here…oh yeah..Gay porn, you’ve got more of a balanced situation… you can do the whole monks ring thing. It doesn’t matter how many you’ve got you can always just fit another one in anywhere. The whole gay community of the world could fuck each other at once in a show of solidarity…form a ring around the world of guys just fucking each other up the arse. Its like lego, the balance is right. But you throw just one girl in there, the whole things fucked…the chain is broken. Girls ruin the purity of pornography. I say women out of porn. The whole thing about coming in sex…now you’ve got boys desperately trying not to come, but knowing they’re going to…and girls trying to come but knowing they might not. We’re totally at cross purposes. There’s a weird cycle that goes on in your head. trying not to come, trying not to come…straight away all you’re thinking about is coming. Come come come going through your head and you’re trying to tell your most primal hardwired deep unchanged-through-six-million-years of evolution instinct no…must…resist. Do not procreate…do not procreate but that little great great great great great great grandaddy amoeba gene is still deep in your DNA somewhere going “Come on…we’ve got another four hundred thousand generations to get through before I can develop a nose and some cocaine receptors.” Talk about dominant species man…those plants. Marijuana, coca, tobacco…those fuckers have got us dancing to their tune haven’t they. You want to get by as a species man, make yourself addictive. Did you know we’ve got special receptors in our brains, specifically designed to respond to opiates. That smack molecule gets anywhere near your brain and there’s these little slots just made for them to slot right into. How did they get in there? It’s the poppies…they keep quiet but they’re looking at the biiiig picture. They’ve got the real long term view. And grass! Grass! That fucker took over. Picked all the best places too…you never see grass scrabbling around to make a living in the desert, fighting it out in the jungle. Nooo, not grass…they nicked all the lush pastures and the parks and the gardens. Grass! What does it do? How did grass get to take over the world? There are things that have become so developed they live most of their lives inside other things and then have things inside them that keep them alive then they burst out of like a pigs arse, grow wings and fuck for a day then lay eggs in a particular type of beermat where their young turn into, I don’t know, tiny leopardy type things that eat coal. All this madly perfect and specific adaptation going on, all those aeons of evolutionary development and who wins out and gets to carpet the world…Grass! I’ll tell you how it did it. The same way all the bland shit that takes over the human world does. The same way [insert vacuous pop act] did it. Ohh…tolerate us…we’re so unchallenging. Look, you can lie down on us, we don’t mind. Oh go on cow, nibble my tips, I won’t do anything…go ahead, develop a special four chambered stomach so you can digest me. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate grass. Fields full of venus flytraps would be shit, I acknowledge that. I just think there’s room for a bit of variety. Otherwise nature’s just like some endless Sting concert. Ah yes Sting, with that long lesson in evolutionary biology I almost forgot what I was going to say about Sting, cos he feeds into that whole thing about trying not to come, you see it all links up…trying not to come, amoebas, drugs, plants, grass, sting, trying not to come… there’s a logic there. Now I’m sure you all know where I’m going with the Sting thing because its become part of common celebrity news, along with that thing about Richard Gere pushing hamsters up his arse which I just so hope is true, that Sting can fuck for eight hours without coming. Eight hours. Now, who here wants to fuck for eight hours? Ok, but who here wants to fuck sting? Okay…now I’ve got a theory that actually old Sting has made a bit of an embarrassing mistake. You see I don’t think Sting’s ever had sex in his life. He says that while he’s having sex, he and his partner are completely relaxed. They float off to another plain where the normal world doesn’t seem to exist…for eight hours. Now what does that remind you of? To me…that sounds like being asleep. I think he was so busy learning to play the guitar in a competent but mind-numbingly boring way when he was young that he never worked out that when people say they want to sleep with you, they don’t actually mean sleep. I think Sting’s been nodding off thinking he’s doing the nasty and his girlfriend just doesn’t have the heart to tell him, especially after he’s been bragging about it in all the papers. He’s waking up in the morning after a lie in going…Yes! I broke the record. How was it for you? Not knowing his girlfriends been out all night fucking some amoeba brained cunt like me who comes like a balloon bursting after three seconds. Logically, therefore…Sting thinks being a bit sleepy is a sign of sexual arousal. He thinks a yawn is foreplay. Now that would explain his life’s work, wouldn’t it? He’s standing up at a gig doing his fifth song from Ten Summoners Tales. The audience are slumping comatose all over each other and he’s thinking man…they’re getting excited…they’re digging my shit so much they’re literally doing it right here in the crowd. Well, anyway…it’s a theory. 030619 ... User24 and one I totally agree with. 030619 ... User24 Except. (haha, you knew it was coming..) You answered your own question re: porn films: girl: 3 holes guy: 2 holes 1 stick WRONG! girl: 3 holes 2 sticks guy: 2 holes 2 sticks guy's required actions: fist in hole one fist in hole two fuck in hole three girl's required actions: fist guy in hole one finger self not bad, right? I must point out that; a) no, I haven't conducted research b) I'm looking at this from the point of a mathematical problem. if only they taught maths like that at school. 030619 ... sting you obviously never saw the episode of VH1's fanclub in which i was featured. the belly dancers fucking dig me. i am the shit! 030619 what's it to you? who go blather from