whine lola i feel crappy today. i'm somehow disappointed that my wisdom teeth holes don't really hurt. all they are is annoying and swollen. i feel like i can't get anything done. i'm too spacey. i have these holes left over from fulfilling friendships that are over or on hold or something. i don't know what to do about that. i wish somebody would knock on my door and ask me out to dinner. i wish more boys seemed appealing. i wish girls weren't so insulated from each other. i want to be weird, but i don't. i try to be almost normal, but end up off-normal. i don't fool anybody who's normal, and the abnormal people think i'm too normal. i'm frustrated. 000622 ... Glory Box I'll whine today. Today he only nodded, he never engaged. He left us to your own simple ruminations as he flew into the esoteric stratosphere. He was thrilled, delighted, AMAZED that we, teenagers, the low, would sit and fulfill his only wish for us. To appreciate, as a group (true, only of three), the beauty of Margaret Laurence, a dead woman, a beautiful author and his sly, secret love. He seemed to treat us like spun glass, so fragile, ready to simply stop speaking at any point, to "clam up" in his presence, as most girls do. He tiptoed around our discussion, ears straining, being so obvious in his subversion. But later, after the stint in the lab, after the (miserable?) failure of my masterpiece, he is only there, never involved. It's confusing, and depressing, and you always wonder what you've done wrong when he has a bad day. He gives you innocent guilt, without meaning to. He's such a puzzle, and whenever I get near him, my mouth dries up and all the calm, rational thoughts I had produced in private flitter and flutter away, like helium balloons. I'm left speechless in his presence, and all I can do is nod and say, "Yeah, that's good." like a Barbie, a doll. It's not lust that leaves me dumb, but fear. He doesn't judge, but you always feel that he's capable of doing it. There's always a first time for everything, and he makes you feel like you're that first crushed soul. That first disregarded hopeful. He's a Nice Man, but he comes with so many strings attached one wonders if it's better to just keep quiet about everything. 001025 ... Jenna I managed to sleep through both of my classes today, using up my last absence for Italian that I was saving for an emergency. (My former emergency that used up the first three was the flu.) Yesterday I felt like I was finally getting a handle on things, the first time in so many weeks, and now, I can see it all slipping away, and I'm fighting slipping into another episode of "life's not worth living". Why can't things just go nicely for awhile? Why do I always find a way to screw up? Somehow I was up until 6 this morning, just staring at my ceiling, trying my damndest to sleep, even though I'd only gotten 3-4 hours the night before and it shouldn't have really been a problem. I'm convinced that the fates or the powers that be or whomever have a meeting when things start to go my way, and brainstorm how they could bring me down again. ugh 020129 ... just me it's always good to whine. but only for a certain time... usually, as much as difficult as it is, whining means i just have to take control and do something about whatever it is i'm whining about. i really wish i could follow my logic. i whine and obsess way too much. why this and when that. i don't like this and i can't do that. whining is a simple excuse for not doing what i really need to do. it's an easy way out. so this is it, my final whine about how i can't stand my life and where it's going (which, for the time being, is nowhere.) it's time to stand up and make my life go somewhere. afterall, i am the only one who can change that. i've already proven that. ha, it's so funny to me how my cousin hates the way i whine too much. excuse me, he's a much bigger whiner than me. he doesn't realize it though. but i love him anyway. i hope he's okay and not getting himself into too much trouble. 031002 ... Syrope ramble: the nerve damage on my foot is flaring up again because i walked all the way home last night from across campus in a pair of heels with one heel broken because i didn't want to see you and i left my cell phone at home and its nobody's fault but my own and it hurts well i feel better 040924 ... me kwitchibitchin 050116 what's it to you? who go blather from