endurable_aching not me I wouldn't admit this if the circumstances were different or if someone else were asking me, i'd show good faith if her eyes were on mine, i'd have to, faith is all lovers have to keep them from the danger that each slipping moment brings them after each kiss. But the fact is....we are all ultimately lonely. Of course in brighter times i wouldn't say this. What are we that we cannot help but be giddy, that on a beautiful day we cannot help but say what a beautiful day it is? Perceptive right? A sensitive observer can't survive in some worlds eh? No one else can ever understand though is my point. Imagine the imgination it would take to completely understand all that goes into each longing another experiences. No wonder so many feel close to God, it's an other that doesn't leave all that is left to be desired with others. Desire is about distance right? that's why it's called longing. And my heart just aches in so many directions. It wasn't just the first one, it's now, and it's even the excitement for the future, because it's always tinted with the knowledge that somewhere the longing will return. Just like when it's cold out, all of my old injuries ache, so too does lonliness draw out the fault lines of my heart. No one in particular's fault, just something that happened, then happened again because it was just the path of least resistance after all, why break anew when there are perfectly good breaks to stretch out from. And so it's summer again and the flowers in my garden have blossomed, but who is there to appreciate their color, who is there to walk amongst them, to remember their fragrance and think about them when winter comes again, and the night is dark and still. Who is there to keep me alive when i lack the resolve. Ultimately we are alone. There is no one who will ever understand my beauty or my sorrow like i do. There is no one who will ever see the entirety of my spring or my winter. This is both my identity and my longing. Knowing that the universe has boundries is knowing that there is something we are always outside of, something we are not, though we feel somewhere we need to be. So the girl who makes me smile, only does or does not make me smile, there is no saying whether she will or won't, whether how much i need her will ever be amongst her reasons for doing so. And i am just as aloof to her. We wander along the same stretch of road together, and slight variations in the road separates us, and soon we are lost from each other, without ever having even said goodbye. I wish i could hold her, just hold her still. Heaven's greatest irony is to have made me a lover, scorned by those i love, to give such passion to a coward, who can only feel it echoing because his mouth is frozen shut. It diminshes in an echo if it is not repeated by another. And to give such passion to someone who panders it away to become predictable, safe, available, because he is so desperately in need of what his passion both brings him and keeps from him, safety, assurance. There is no assurance in others, for we are ultimately alone. The only company we keep is our own conflict. This is such an immature rant right? When i'm older i'm sure these feelings will be tempered and when i see the young and naieve i'll just shake my head and smile dully at the sky, which will turn the same as it does for lovers or madmen or the broken hearted, all offering them different things. All their own in their solitude. 020420 ... mahayana so this be summer & all you have become …older & a novel you has presently begun and so its summer yet again and all the flora in your gardens garden subterraneanly within have blossomed in realism, whereas they have -for ever and a day- been repeatedly coming into flowering surrounded by those that distinguish, muse, and contemplate you, whereas not only in deed these assured ones not only learn by heart their fragrance’s delicate scent but in accumulation to the passion they have touched upon, the life that they breathe even therein “winters hypothetical” stony slumber… fragrant enthusiasm arouses more than just thinking, for when your winters are leading us… the night is anything but dark & still to all those whom honorably be of immense relevance there shall for all eternity be an important person to carry on your aliveness and wellness when you are deficient of all the nutrients in your life-giving loam … you may not be sanctified enough to be acquainted with these landscaping keepers, though, this scheme of nature does not negate their existence, believing is faraway further than purely seeing, for sometimes our molded eyes amuse by manifestation such impressive performances upon our very own souls there shall until the end of time be one whom will for all time comprehend, appreciate, & identify with your beauty and your sorrow just as you do, if not more comprehensible than ones own self you are correct, no one shall ever distinguish the entirety of your spring or your winter, for if they had, where would this discontinuance in growth lead on into … this lack of entirety is what gives rise towards the adorations within the changing of the seasons … by means of fall we long for the next and the next and the next and the next, if we subsisted within fall forever, envision all the beauty, exquisiteness, & magnificence wed take for granted … and we carry out proceedings that already noncapture so much for granted therein upon all the traditional alterings of seasons … embrace this lack of entirety identity & longing individuality & yearning characteristics & desires the universe shall on no account have boundaries if you capture glances upon & celebrate each and every sacred speck & grain in & of life … your universe shall become all that more infinite there are always others standing alongside us |surrounded by| our outness—and these garden ornaments seem to appreciate the true beauty of our gardens ways … for they are to be acquainted with what it is to be -in the vein of outsideness- in your gardens garden… giving the impression of being in from without… i faith you will encompass pleasure whilst discovering the near & dear ones ||old & young|| all the proper beauties that reside fresh all from side to side from end to end from beginning to end from first to last all the way through the year & so in high spirits summer- it shall be there- a good one- without any uncertainties 020420 ... not me no...there is no such thing as familiarity in all the world, even the ocean is a name we give to a changing, to a transition. But that is both my satisfaction and my longing. Solitude is very real and it pulls no punches. Solitude is the only thing that makes togetherness possible. 020420 ... not me...again this pain is what i must return to, this pain is what keeps me searching. 020420 ... your eyes can be so cruel "i've turned the world upside down, inside out, and i did it all for YOU." 020421 ... knot meat well..right it...right it 020421 ... nomme acceptance resignation of heart of mind tossing coins to the wind searching for answers courage of station boldly believing 030804 ... the eye i live with a memory that is not among these 030804 ... . . 041222 ... monee it's funny, i must've seen the not me blathes on this page but didn't realize when i started using the name notme that not me was already being used by someone. 041222 what's it to you? who go blather from