its_not_the_truth_that_hurts Mahayana its not the truth that hurts its the sledge hammer you use to hit your truth in my head with its not what you say but how you say it [i honor your truth but even truth with jaded edges can cut] 020118 ... ClairE "But, sometimes you have to kick the truth into your own heart. That is why life is so hard." 020119 ... Grievance it's my resistance to it. my own futile investment in things that don't change. 020119 ... hey now! It's what came before the truth. 020122 ... Mahayana its the death/ bereavement/ loss demise/ decease/ passing away of my dreams/ thoughts/ imaginings ideas/ dreams/ beliefs that hurts/ aches / stings mars / damages / wounds for the most part its the teasing converse of deliberated, wet, pliable kisses that distresses it’s within the means that which you say “we’ll only ever be best friends’ “and that’s all” however, you tease/ torment/ tantalize with the details you declare I am always to be passionate about the inspiration of kissing you Yet my essence/ spirit/ soul aches with such a longing A yearning to be alive with you To be acquainted with you in the traditions that are ‘of’ the most significance decree me as awfully devoted/ committed/ faithful nonetheless it’s your lips that I desire in the smallest amount I covet to be worthy/ virtuous/respectable to & of you to renounce all else that is Inconsequential shells, masks, facades I just would like to be with you intensify with you reveal with you be familiar with you pillar you revere you appreciate you journey the earth in concert I desire you to tutor me of all your languages Even the clandestine symbols I crave to trace each scar with my fingertips Kiss, caress, and identify with them I want to sketch as if by touching im… silently admiring their beauty History, presence, future Messaging in the essential oils & lotions of devotion, ardor, dependability, allegiance, trustworthiness I desire to denounce your body’s remembrances Of ‘her’ affects/ her marks/ her seals of hate As ill-mannered of a creature... I wish I was her… With the prospects of loving you, be there with you nearby your family … Why…oh why do I ache from the deficit of Never receiving opportunities with your family in customs she had opportunities to treasure coves of ancient beauty all upon her fingertips If I could have/would have been her I would have done it all in a different way If I could have/would have been her I would not exist within this barren soul 020123 ... . . 041222 ... Moirai It's the simple fact that we've missed out on so much of what fate had in store for us. I still feel this axiom with every fiber of my being. When I am near you it screams so loudly that I wonder if anyone else can hear. But I remain silent. Always silent and withholding information, thoughts, feelings, movements, the twirling of hair, the look at my soul reflected in my eyes. If only circumstance could have told me when the *last* was going to happen. The last kiss, the last spooning in bed, the last deep intimate stare, the last night of love making. The last night that I gazed upon you in flickering candle light as we made love. You always looked so beautiful in candle light - I still dream of you like this. Our stare so intense - the way that you loved how I always maintained eye contact while I caressed & kissed your body. You constantly told me how you always felt so desirable, beautiful, and alive when I looked at you with my eyes. The way we held hands. The way that the entire experience of sharing ourselves with such passion and love for each other brought us to tears. To this very day I still do not understand why - why did it have to happen the way that it did? The way that you avoided my eyes when you gave me your answer. A shattered heart sinking so low I wondered in a speechless whisper to myself if it ever would come back. I forever secretly hoped that you would've come back to me. That somehow you figured out just how empty, lonely, and not for the better your life had become. But you never came back for me in the way that I wanted forever with you. From that day forward I measured my self-worth from this non-event and I measured everyone else against you. Nothing ever quite measures up. I cried so much for you in a way that I never ever cried before nor since. Hours, days, weeks, oh how my soul wept for you as I wondered. What was so horrible about me that I was not good enough for a family? I would have done anything for the chance to have an us. But maybe just maybe I loved you too much. Seasons change as do many things but here I am many years later still fighting the tears back with an overwhelming heart for you. Nobody - but nobody knows the secret truth that I've carried for all these many years. Bumping into you having to pretend that everything was fine because I know that I was not what you wanted. Fighting everything that was right & natural inside of me - just to spare you the reality of still how crushed and broken I felt. The fact that the life that I'm currently living has always felt like one big lie - merely an attempt to maintain the status quo. Deep inside I know the ending. It is inevitable. More masks and acting will be needed. But my love I am growing oh so tired. Each day I try so hard to make my life work, but I only feel myself sinking further and further away from who I was supposed to be. It's not the truth that hurts - it's the pretending that is killing me. 090108 ... Lemon_Soda Your doomed. 090108 ... pessimist We are all doomed in some way or another when it concerns the reality of truth. No one is spared from truth, even if it is hidden. 090108 ... spoken the death of a dream is sometimes morned longer and more earnestly than that of an actual soul strange how prioritys form how feelings attach how we ponder what could have been and mourn for it when it does not come to fruition if only we could find it in ourselves to let go and build a new castle of sand if it to gets washed away by the waves you at least have held it's shining glory in your hands and felt triumphant in it's making hold that memory to your bosom and begin again on a new castle of dreams it's all about the journey and not the destination anyway 090423 what's it to you? who go blather from