a_shrine_to_my_past_life Nirvanic Blind A few days ago I set up a shrine to myself to remember who I used to be. There's about 20 pictures on my wall surrounded by letters. I put everything right next to each other so that you couldn't see my wall. To most people it would look really weird, but to me it's a tribute to the person I used to be. Like a eulogy for the life I lost. It started off with a few pictures. There's one of me sitting against a brick wall with my knees to my chest, smoking a roach with a few lamplights on in the distance of the night. A few others with some females I used to mess with. Even though some of these pictures don't portray happy moments, they still show feelings. I'm tired of being so empty. After I finished putting up the pictures I figured i might as well put up some letters too. I went through a box of old letters and put up the ones that described me best. Letters from girlfriends and playmates talking about how much they cared about me. I haven't had these type of feelings expressed to me in a really long time. I was hoping that going to sleep and waking up to these pictures and letters everyday would help me. But it's only seemed to make me depressed. But I can't complain about it. Because I'm finally feeling something again. 040203 ... iHatesundays Hey N, I can imagine what you are going through. I am feeling that way myself. Feel free to email me if you'd like to talk. 040203 ... jane its like a memory box on your wall. i have a huge box filled with stuff i didn't have the heart to get rid of. now it sits in a closet in california & hopefully they'll find it the day i die. but they will never know what it all means. 040203 ... iHateSundays For Aaron My first kiss For Cub For Bobby I wish I had never corrected your grammatical mistakes in the letters you wrote instead of caring about what the letters said For Jeff Sweetest Love Letters For Jason For Bill I always thought it would be you and me forever you were my first love I love you still For Timothy I'll always remember Terminator2, I know you will too For Eddie I don't care that you are gay For Brian Nevermind For Jeffrey There is no way severe the tie we will always share For Pete Chinese take-out and Stanley Cup Play Offs For DJ I didn't really love you the same For Jerry I love what you could do with my feet For Jim There will never be words to express the way I feel about you 040203 ... jane i'm half the man i used to be stone_temple_pilots 040208 ... sabbie nothing but ashes on the wind [sab's fortune cookie reading for the day] a phoenix can't travel back to the place of it's birth 040208 ... unhinged there isn't much of it i want to have anything to do with anymore. fuck all you people. i am tired of defending and proving myself to people who have never given a fuck about me and my life but only how i was contributing to theirs. and fuck all the people in my life that defend the people that do that shit to me. i used to be a scared little girl that let people trample all over me with a smile because i didn't want to end up alone. but i have come to realize that being surrounded with people like that has left me more alone and miserable than actually being truly alone. do not come to me crying when he treats you like shit yet again. do not expect me to smile and nod and kiss your ass. you have never had a reason to attack me you stupid fuck. i never gave you one. but you treating me and my friends like shit to improve the quality of your own life and image gave me a reason to attack you. the reason people keep calling you up and bitching at YOU is because you treat people like shit ALL the time. he may use people but he also readily admits that he does. you use people and then try to cover your own ass by smiling and being what you perceive as nice to throw them off your track. the major difference between the two of you is he has always been able to admit his faults and readily does so while you on the other hand are either so delusional or so fucking concerned about yourself that you don't care what you do to other people and point your finger at someone else to turn all eyes in another direction. maybe he doesn't have what it takes to be a frontman in your eyes because he never wanted the sole reason of it to be a deal. maybe it was because it's music first. and maybe it's all over because you lost sight of that a long time ago and have only been on a one-way track to improve your own image ever since. music and selfish behavior don't mix well. it is ridiculous to me now to think about the way things were in all of this three years ago. absolutely fucking ridiculous. and all of it can rot in hell as far as i am concerned. YOU can rot in hell as far as i am concerned. 'you definitely closed doors with that nicole.' and why is it that you assume that i would ever want to open those doors again? i am trying to actualize the realization that it does no good to cling to people that treat you like shit. so fuck all of you. all of you that pretend to care cause you think it gets you somewhere, something, anything but what i actually am. i am not a scared little girl anymore. and if standing up for myself and other people that you've treated like shit makes me a bitch than so be it. the truth fucking hurts doesn't it? i hope my truth hurts you as much as your truth of not giving a fuck about me except for what you could get out of me hurt me. you can all rot in hell you stupid motherfuckers. i am done. 040209 ... Nirvanic Blind Hey Jane would you believe that I've actually been listening to that song every night for like the past 2 weeks? Well except for last night. Last night I was listening to Down In a Hole by Alice In Chains. But, yeah. What a coincidince that you would you guess that song. 040209 ... Nirvanic Blind (applauds unhinged). That was fuckin great 040209 ... Syrope god, there are blathes on this page that i could cut & paste here, change some names, and be done... i've come to terms with a lot of my past, but not all of it yet. i still can't let go of all of it. i still have that box under my bed...the only two people i let look through it didn't understand, so i am just going to wait til i get the courage to throw it all out. 040303 what's it to you? who go blather from