reinventing_myself unhinged the_pain doesn't satisfy anymore and i chopped my hair off dyed it red long_hair no longer with my mantra tattooed across my lower back i imagine myself divided all the things that hurt and all the things beautiful the beauty swallowing up all the blackness the white healing light of compassion like a knife or a tattoo needle chasing away all the blackness like the ink opposite my belly button chakra if you imagine it it can be my mind the architect of my reality beauty swallowing up the blackness healing white when the clouds roll in i imagine it healing white my mantra on my weeping_skin chasing it all away 040828 ... suicidalchinadoll every day ... every day if everyone else is going to change on me, then damnit, I'm going to do them all the same favor. 040831 ... misstree all the signposts point across a chasm leap of faith gap in where that particular aspect of She is being evicted sad to see her go but it wasn't my decision well, now you've got an empty apartment; what are you gonna fill it with? a pillar of light? hard to balance. soft and colorful fur is a good start. take a deep breath, and smile. building this one will test bitterness's patience, but let it be tested. it's next to go. 060418 ... birdmad next time i do this, i must remember to keep the patent under lock and key 060418 ... nom "i'm a wheel" 061106 ... Spool I love the idea but I just don't know what I want to be. It's funny how I've made it this far and know one seems to know what an incredible and total nerd I really am. Spike from cowboy bebop always seemed like a badass to me. God if anyone actually knew that I liked japanese animation...ha ha. I know what I want...I want things to be like they were before...when the hottest girl in school had a crush on me and I went skateboarding everyday with friends. So let's see, I need... 1. Something to keep me active and physically fit that I can obsess over. 2. Friends 3. Some pretty lady who has a crush on me. --------------------------------------- 070908 ... Ouroboros it's beginning, this change from within and without- i can see it all unfolding 070908 ... unhinged but_still no matter how hard i try eventually the sickness comes back never to be cured 070908 ... pSyche Cut off the unwanted like a tumor like a leech that feeds Pulling you Altering your perceptions Cut and Paste society you can be your own collage and carry your erasable Bible. And the Word of God will be Your Words and you will reinvent yourself- enlightened. I am a match in the midnight. I am years of regret. Lines_reading_lines and altering my reality Overwriting old coded memory And I don't even realize it. Is this growing up? I'm not laughing at the old jokes I'm not on the same level anymore With my forgetfulness I slowly reinvent myself filling it memory gaps with the "fantastic truth" I told you and I can no longer distinguish the fact from the fiction The light shines, but the darkness is fog. I am a rusting wheel Stuck mid-air Forced to turn by forces around me But I will reinvent this wheel and you naysayers will not know, when the time finally comes, what I am. because I am reinventing myself the last fall in my evolution And you will be blinded by the light with which this little match will burn. i_want_a_perfect_body i_want_a_perfect_soul 070909 ... me this is an ongoing process. two years ago i had no idea how to begin to change my life and thus myself. now i understand that it takes quite a bit of courage and lots of self-ass-kicking. i used to believe that i had to change my appearance to the world - somehow it was not fitting, no results. this ridiculous belief led me to drive my life to dead ends and waste precious time. eventually i arrived to the bottom, from where i write to you now, and from where i successfully continue my way into the new found light. it's funny how, when the wheels of change kick in, after you have invited them of course, you begin to notice all the 'small' changes that shape you into a new 'you'. for me these changes have been, but not limited to: a detachment from old acquaintances and friends (not necessarily a bad thing since good friends are forever if you have cultivated a solid friendship), a brand new job, a new way to get around, a new lady friend, hehehe. it's been such a long time (4 years to be exact) since i felt any kind of significant change in my life. i am very thankful for this. i am still me but i feel improved. change is good. 070909 ... minnesota_chris after being a scatterbrain for 37 years, I'm trying some attention deficit disorder medication. It makes a slight difference. I'm slightly less distractable, which might be a good thing. 070915 ... REAListic optimIST here i sit, taking in my new viewpoint like a preview for a movie based on my life with my new habits yet unwritten. i started a journal today. wishes and dreams au matin, fact & analysis au soir. and i helped mom start one too. fitting that she should be here showing me pictures of who i was and if family history is any indication... who i will become. as i move into this room, and intentionally leave the television orphaned elsewhere, i create a free and open creative space - i envision who i must fight to become if i am to realize my dream. 070916 ... Ouroboros like there is more space inside more options more time 071019 ... Isaou To be someone better for everyone else Rather than better for me like I tried last time 071019 ... Kung Fu are you not a part of "everyone else" then? that is a rediculous comment, both ways are self-centered, why should you be someone better for someone, yourself, or anything, you should just BE, your heart does not have a brain; if you try with your heart you will fight with your brain and then you are of no use to yourself or anyone else. check out a quote to match the above. 071020 ... unhinged the sickness comes back chronic how i deal with it different 100602 what's it to you? who go blather from