unhinged the_pain
doesn't satisfy anymore
and i chopped my hair off
dyed it red
long_hair no longer
with my mantra
tattooed across my lower back
i imagine myself divided
all the things that hurt
and all the things beautiful
the beauty swallowing up
all the blackness
the white healing light of compassion
like a knife or a
tattoo needle
chasing away all the blackness
like the ink
opposite my belly button chakra
if you imagine it
it can be
my mind the architect
of my reality
beauty swallowing up the blackness
when the clouds roll in
i imagine it
my mantra on my weeping_skin
chasing it all away
suicidalchinadoll every day
every day

if everyone else is going to change on me, then damnit, I'm going to do them all the same favor.
misstree all the signposts point across a chasm
leap of faith
gap in where
that particular aspect of She
is being evicted
sad to see her go
but it wasn't my decision

well, now you've got an empty apartment;
what are you gonna fill it with?
a pillar of light? hard to balance.
soft and colorful fur is a good start.
take a deep breath, and smile.
building this one will test
bitterness's patience, but let it be tested.
it's next to go.
birdmad next time i do this, i must remember to keep the patent under lock and key 060418
nom "i'm a wheel" 061106
Spool I love the idea but I just don't know what I want to be. It's funny how I've made it this far and know one seems to know what an incredible and total nerd I really am. Spike from cowboy bebop always seemed like a badass to me.

God if anyone actually knew that I liked japanese animation...ha ha.

I know what I want...I want things to be like they were before...when the hottest girl in school had a crush on me and I went skateboarding everyday with friends.

So let's see, I need...

1. Something to keep me active and physically fit that I can obsess over.

2. Friends

3. Some pretty lady who has a crush on me.
Ouroboros it's beginning, this change from within and without- i can see it all unfolding 070908
unhinged but_still
no matter how hard i try
the sickness comes back
never to be cured
pSyche Cut off the unwanted
like a tumor
like a leech that feeds
Pulling you
Altering your perceptions
Cut and Paste society
you can be your own collage
and carry your erasable Bible.
And the Word of God
will be Your Words
and you will reinvent yourself-
I am a match in the midnight.

I am years of regret.
and altering my reality
Overwriting old coded memory
And I don't even realize it.
Is this growing up?
I'm not laughing at the old jokes
I'm not on the same level anymore
With my forgetfulness
I slowly reinvent myself
filling it memory gaps
with the "fantastic truth" I told you
and I can no longer distinguish
the fact from the fiction
The light shines,
but the darkness is fog.

I am a rusting wheel
Stuck mid-air
Forced to turn by forces around me
But I will reinvent this wheel
and you naysayers will not know,
when the time finally comes,
what I am.
because I am reinventing myself
the last fall in my evolution
And you will be blinded
by the light with which
this little match will burn.

me this is an ongoing process.

two years ago i had no idea how to
begin to change my life and thus myself.
now i understand that it takes quite a bit of courage and lots of self-ass-kicking. i used to believe that i had to change my appearance to the world - somehow it was not fitting, no results. this ridiculous belief led me to drive my life to dead ends and waste precious time. eventually i arrived to the bottom, from where i write to you now, and from where i successfully continue my way into the new found light.

it's funny how, when the wheels of change kick in, after you have invited them of course, you begin to notice all the 'small' changes that shape you into a new 'you'. for me these changes have been, but not limited to: a detachment from old acquaintances and friends (not necessarily a bad thing since good friends are forever if you have cultivated a solid friendship), a brand new job, a new way to get around, a new lady friend, hehehe. it's been such a long time (4 years to be exact) since i felt any kind of significant change in my life.

i am very thankful for this. i am still me but i feel improved. change is good.
minnesota_chris after being a scatterbrain for 37 years, I'm trying some attention deficit disorder medication.

It makes a slight difference. I'm slightly less distractable, which might be a good thing.
REAListic optimIST here i sit, taking in
my new viewpoint like a preview
for a movie based on my life
with my new habits
yet unwritten.

i started a journal today.
wishes and dreams au matin,
fact & analysis au soir.
and i helped mom start one too.

fitting that she should be here
showing me pictures of who i was
and if family history is
any indication...
who i will become.

as i move into this room,
and intentionally leave the
television orphaned elsewhere,
i create a free and open
creative space - i envision
who i must fight to become
if i am to realize my dream.
Ouroboros like there is more space inside
more options
more time
Isaou To be someone
better for everyone else
Rather than
better for me
like I tried last time
Kung Fu are you not a part of "everyone else" then?
that is a rediculous comment, both ways are self-centered, why should you be someone better for someone, yourself, or anything, you should just BE, your heart does not have a brain; if you try with your heart you will fight with your brain and then you are of no use to yourself or anyone else.

check out a quote to match the above.
unhinged the sickness comes back
how i deal with it
what's it to you?
who go