growing_pains unhinged i woke up to him kneeling on my floor crying into my lap. i had to tap him on the shoulder several times before he would look up at me and his eyes were empty even in the dark. that's when i knew my brother wasn't a little kid no more. 070709 ... unhinged and it was some of the most poignant exchange we ever had. we didn't say much to each other. i got out of bed and hugged him and held him while he cried. in my room, on the porch, in the kitchen. '...but i shouldn't complain. at least i have a shoulder to cry on.' his lips tried to twitch but wouldn't smile and he buried his head back in my shoulder. i put my arms around him and rubbed his back. 070709 ... unhinged oh buddy *sigh* i told him things he didn't want to hear that night. he said plenty of mean things to chase me away. i stayed on the porch with him anyways. he is stubborn and quick to anger like our dad. i was angry too at that age. why didn't anybody see i was a sinking ship? why didn't anybody try to help me? why didn't anyone say anything? people live in denial. people are caught up in their own suffering. people don't know unless you tell them. and all of us are scared to divulge because deep down we know most of those people won't care enough to try to help. but my brother always put up a tough independent exterior; that there wasn't a thing in his life he couldn't handle. he didn't ask for help. you can't expect help if you don't ask. parents don't want to acknowledge defects in their kids. our dad wanted us to live up to a perfection ideal by telling us it was our job to be perfect for him because he provided us with shelter and food and the like. because he did his job as a dad he proscribed very specific jobs for us as his kids. i was chastised for having a 3.9 in my undergrad. my brother was chastised for being lazy during lacrosse season. but our father didn't have much reference for love as a kid. both his parents were distant and cold to each other and to him. he was just doing what he thought was right; trying to guide us like he wished his father would have. and of course no parent wants to admit that their children have drug problems. and admitting mental illness to a man who didn't believe in mental illness was just out of the question. i remember when i discovered how much those things fucked me up. i remember how angry i was. i remember dealing with my addictions on my own. i remember the people that helped me. they were people that my father didn't want me associating with. i remember the tears i cried over it all, mostly alone wishing for someone to be there. so i held my brother while he cried. and it was all things i never wanted my brother to go through because i love him and want to protect him. i felt guilty for the questions i never asked because i too denied what was underneath. maybe because i was too busy, too deluded with my own problems. because i had moved away when he needed me most. catholic guilt dies hard. so i cried with him. at times, my own growing_pains seem so far away. but seeing my brother's difficult transition into adulthood that mirrored my own allowed me to remember and to appreciate where i am now. but i still get a heart_pang at the memory. the bitter sounds he made as he cried. the way he clung to me. it's hard to figure out what to do with your love. it's hard to shut off a reflex as automatic as breathing. it's hard to protect yourself from what you know will hurt you if it means helping someone else. but we both learned in similar ways. i wish i could hold you more brother. 070710 ... ues parents enabling_addiction at_least he could come to you 070711 ... forsaken by a toaster clerbloinkula! ahahaha!!!! 070712 ... forsaken by a toaster ^Imposter^ ahahaha!!!! 070713 ... respectfully Have you no more couth than to besmirch someone else's sincere and heartfelt work with your graffiti? Respect for others begins with self-respect, dude. People care how others perceive them for a reason. Concern for what others think of YOU is an indication that you have the dignity to also treat THEM with dignity. This clerbloinkula nonsense flags you as a spoiled brat. Is this really all you have to offer? 070713 ... unhinged just growing_pains of blather i would say 070713 ... unhinged rain out to paradise and it didn't turn out how you planned your crack whore woman found another man but i'll be here when you wanna come home i'll be here when you need a shoulder to cry on reaching for your zion mangoes grow on the tree in your front yard your kahuna set you free and skipped off to the next island but i'll be here when you wanna come home i'll be here when you need a shoulder to cry on reaching for your zion 070724 ... gja What about the physical ones: remember as a young kid? I'd wake at night in agony. 070725 ... ? i don't know what that is, i just bit your bottom before i new! that's just school fate. it's just Chakra Science thats all. I ony wanted a bumble bee badge, i always wanted to go back to my primary school in IndoChina. 070725 ... zing reply to previous post: you have nothing to contribute to society. your mother should have had an abortion. and then tied her tubes. 070726 ... unhinged 'i'm coming home for christmas' forlorn 'i know you are. i'm so excited.' i hate to tell you little bro but when you told me in february you didn't want to come home ever again my response was formulated to let you see the error of your ways. 070909 ... unhinged that and i fulfilled a circle of promises when i came out to visit you last march 070909 ... BigT I used to watch growing pains when I was a kid, then Leonardo joined the cast. 070909 ... unhinged i finally wrote some music to go with those lyrics and i can't wait to record it so you can hear it CM/M7 F9 chord changes / rhythm to accent the words predominant chorus i'll be here when you wanna come home i'll be here when you need a shoulder to cry on reaching for your zion 080501 ... unhinged new_ink patience 180916 what's it to you? who go blather from