river_prayer Doar wash off the years i spent trying to become another wall, old rhythms still strumming in twinned heart beats, pick up the keys and secure them wisely to your ears, descending the worn stone stair, each step a life of it's own, each stone a little more worn. letting it all wash away from me, carrying the sediment of forgetfullness towards the shining sea. 050809 ... 5260 Arlington Street PA 19131 Amen Brother! I must confess that the words of condemnation and defiance that I've spoken to the family of the misguided folks who are currently threatening my life are probably what has caused this thing to get worse. The Lord teaches us to be at peace with all men. So then what is it about me that seems to repell others? What is it that seems to engender such hostility towards me even from strangers? I do not know. I cannot even know. I've tried to apologize for whatever it is that I've done. The apologies are not accepted, I guess they want me to discover for myself the error of my ways. I want peace. I want to live in peace with all men. Or just with my neighboors at least. I will try again to apologize. I do not know if it will be accepted but there must be something awful about my personality that stirs up such great hatred. I wish someone would tell me so that I could change. I have this mild kind of autism and it's difficult for me to process social cues and all much like techies or computer heads, but I am neither intelligent enugh or skilled enough to even do the most remedial thing regarding computers. I've had a hard life. So what. What is it that makes people hat me so much???? I wish I could find out before it's too late. I'm greatful that my kid has his mom's personality. I've tried to ask friend and foe and estranged friend and family alike, Just please tell me. What the heck is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? There are people related to my last landlord who want to take my life, or at least provoke me into doing something stupid so they CAN legally take my life. I have no IDEA what I did that caused these people to inaugerate a 3 year campaign of terror and harrassment, but every day it gets worse. I wish that I could be washed clean. I wish that these folks could see the error of their ways. They are over reacting I mean REALLY over-reacting. If they're not then hey just come out and tell me what it is I've done. To live so long and to carry hate and rage all of those years to the extent that it becomes the only thing you live for, and so when you find a socially challenged shmuck who has little resources and no IDEA of how to mend fences or even navigate the muddled waters, you practise your ART upon him. You get angrier and angrier at what he says, but you won't leave him alone, and YET he tries to apologize, he tries to stay out of your way, but with every breath you fixate upon him (ME) and you or your faithful family can't seem to figure out that this is just hate and rage for the mere purpose of destroying someone. If you believe that what your doing to me is deserved, then why won't you at least tell me what it is I've done? Give me a chance to make it right. This can't just be cruelty and threat and eventually murder just for the fun of it. CAN IT? Is my life, so worthless, I am a father, a son a brother and a friend to others. Why can't you let this go? If it is my life that you want then why not just go ahead and take it? Why spend 19 20hrs a day stalking me and threatening me and my family? I'm NOT going to try and take on such a large family, I'd never win. I cannot expose my child or anyone else I live with to that. What is it, I mean what am I supposed to be sorry for? I have said after being robbed of sleep and verbally abused and stalked and threatned for months and months on end for 20 hours a day and in a sleep deprived state I have lashed out. Is that what I am supposed to apologize for? For being human? For having limits? For having an ego? As a Christian I had no right to say those things to you despite what you and the rest were doing to me. I am sorry for every unkind thing, every unkind word said in response to the relentless anger and hatred shown me. Please let this thing end. This has gone on for years. Everything that **** has said about me over the last 15 years is NOT true. I'm a pretty nice guy if you ever took the time to get to know me. Try to see me as a human being. I know that these actions reflect someone who is in great emotional and spiritual turmoil, do you feel that I am the cause of that turmoil? Does your family who stalks me and threatens me with murder, who shout it at the walls in the houses on either side of me, do they think that I am responsible for the pain and turmoil you endure? Well then why won't they discuss it with me? Who just decides to stalk and curse and threaten people for no apparent reason? Do you believe that rage and hate and violence are the only things keeping you here? What do you think will happen if you let go? I am just one very tired and very terrified man. What horrible thing have I done to engender all of this hate? I am NOT your enemy. If you cannot let go of the rage and hatred then why don't you just go ahead and express your rage and hate upon my body and leave the rest of my family alone? Do you think you're life will be any better? Do you think you will have proven anything? Goliath stomps on an ant. The ant goes squish. A son who has recently lost his mother, a son who almost committed suicide save for me his father who stopped him and spend several years helping to mend his wounded psyche will have lost a father. Who will stop my boy this time from ending his life? Why are you doing this to me? Please. Please stop this. Please forgive me for not knowing the power of your reach and the extent of your influence, had I known that this would be the price for speaking out or complaining I would have moved from that property years ago. In the spirit of Christ I am deeply sorry if my words have insulted you or caused you apin. It doesn't matter now who has the moral authority. I am not seen as a human being of equal standing as the two or three of you who direct this army of agression and threat against me. So from my lowly place, from the squalor of my humility and low position I humbly apologize and state that I Stan Whyte realize the error of my ways and ask your forgiveness, wich I would be deeply greatful to recieve or at least if you could call off the army that assaults me 24 hours a day. But if it is my life you really want, if there is no other way for you to live with me on this great big planet then as a Christian I make my life a living sacrifice. Take it. Do you think that will stop the turmoil in your collective hearts and minds? But if this is just to create terror in a mans heart, if this is just to tear someone's mind, his life apart and send him screaming into madness then I will pray not only for my deliverance but for yours as well. ... 050809 ... pete so many, silent and lost, for so little... just a hope that the passions would turn from pain to a semblance of pleasure, if only for a moment... sitting there at jesus rock thinking, hoping, doubting, and losing. 050809 ... TISM please god dont let me die like that. 050809 ... mourninglight I said one for you, and your song as I drowned. 050816 what's it to you? who go blather from