unhinged me and my brother started this when i went away to college. we would talk to each other on aim and someone would say i love you, then i love you more, then i love you most. whoever said i love you most won. being raised by four girls couldn't beat the competitive streak out of my brother.

anyone who knows me well knows how much i love my brother. there was a time in my life where i felt like my brother was the only person on the planet that understood me. he's been going through hard times lately. really hard times. growing_up times. the kind that shatter your heart into little pieces that get glued back together with scar_tissue that is the death of your childhood. yeah, he's not a kid anymore. his pain has stolen my breath in the past couple months. i remember how my life was when i was his age; strangely parallel. but it's hard to see someone you love so much lose their ability to love and trust. me and my brother, a little too open_hearted the two of us were. it is a genetic fault of my mom's family, that open_heartedness. and i don't think it ever really goes away, but when you get stepped on and used one too many times because of it, you learn to hide it. keep your love to yourself. a modern post_industrial tragedy i_suppose.

i have a tendency to fall in love easily. it is the libra in me. it's pretty much literally at first sight. and when i do it's with my entire heart. i would do anything to make that person happy. even at the cost of my own happiness. open_hearted to a fault. i'm getting better at saving some for myself though. at not giving people things they didn't even ask for. but it's hard for me still. love is a serious thing to me. if i love you, it's not like cartoon hearts trailing me everywhere and candy and flowers and any amount of cheesy romance movie typed things. it's like mud and tears and cleaning up vomit and booking 18 hour flights to travel half way across the world to hold you while you cry.

if i love you most, if i say those exact words to you, it doesn't mean you are necessarily on the top of my list. i have a circle of people i say that to. it means i know that i love you more, better, more fully, than pretty much anyone that has every told you they love you. that if you needed me, all you would have to do is call, and i would fly, drive, or walk to wherever you were. that i would wallow in the mud of your sadness with you, soak up your tears in my shirt, clean up your puke from excess chemicals that your body couldn't tolerate but your mind couldn't get enough of. when i say this to you, it means i won't run away when things get dirty. i will help you clean up the dirt of your life to let everyone see the beautiful person i already know is underneath. because i love you most.

i love all of you most.
dessiahs_song most.
only so much, no more?

'i'll love you till the ocean
is folded and hung up to dry
and the seven stars go squawking
like geese about the sky.' (auden)
stephshine unhinged, your brother is lucky to have you. 070304
unhinged we are lucky to have each other. he's my foil, my best friend, sometimes the only one that can get through to me. i wish we could live on the same continent again. 070313
ever dumbening just subtract the "k".

from _the sure thing_.

"Walter (Gib) Gibson: Elliot? You're gonna name the kid Elliot? No, you can't name the kid Elliot. Elliot is a fat kid with glasses who eats paste. You're not gonna name the kid Elliot. You gotta give him a real name. Give him a name. Like Nick.
Alison Bradbury: Nick?
Walter (Gib) Gibson: Yeah, Nick. Nick's a real name. Nick's your buddy. Nick's the kind of guy you can trust, the kind of guy you can drink a beer with, the kind of guy who doesn't mind if you puke in his car, Nick."
unhinged more than the girl you are sleeping with that has a nine month old sickly baby that she wants you to help her take care of (understandably so)

more than the girl who has a crush on you but is still in a relationship with someone else

more than the teenager who wants to be 'cool' by dating a musician

and maybe i could find it in my heart to let you go if i thought these girls loved you even a small fraction of how i do. maybe i could let_go if i knew they would take care of you the way i could. doubt it though.
unhinged still 090515
In_Bloom When we feel this way
The nauseous unrequited love
A self shame for pouring out energy into a void
Is it because of the other?

That other who loves you most
You acknowledge but gloss over it
Wish it away like the smell of mildew
The knowledge of that love for you, the one you don't want...

It makes a mockery of your love, taunts you with what you cannot have by showing up at the times you least can bear it
Tug of war to not hurt what loves you as it scorns what you love and doesn't love you back

I've always believed this is what makes the feeling all the worse when those words pop into your head and maybe you mouth them but silently, "wait... look again... I love you most"
unhinged .

i dont say it anymore. the fear of abandonment and rejection has done strange things to me over the years. or maybe just typical things.

i never told you that i loved you. it didnt seem like the right thing to say. i tried to hold your hand in front of others. you pulled away. i didnt protest, i just let go. we slept together, the dog between us when she let him out of her clutches.

i try to convince myself that words dont matter but they do. maybe not as much as actions, especially when the two contradict, but they matter. oh yes they do.

in our relationship, i hid these words from myself as much as from you. i saw the type of woman you wanted me to be and she was something i have never been. i wanted to support you through anything, not push you deeper into your own private hell.

i loved you better fyi
love is not about suppression

we suppressed each other
my heart still breaks
flowerock I_do

love you most.

what's it to you?
who go