i_am_a_faggot x i'm sorry kate.. i had every intention of writing that e-mail as soon as i left jimmy's.. my dad's wireless, though, would not let me open a single page.. this is one of the few times that this is not another one of my lame excuses.. i had absolutely no means of accessing the internet.. and i worked most of yesterday.. i suppose i could have written this in the time between my arrival at the office and now.. i have not slept.. but i spent the entirety of that time avoiding even thought about what i am about to write.. and i didn't think you would be checking your e-mail between one and five though.. it's possible that all the anxiety i'm feeling right now is a mere overreaction.. that is entirely possible.. however if it is not (and i really hate to say this but feel that i must) i must remind that i gave the option of ignorance.. i had hoped that you would not choose that option and possibly worded my bizarre statement in a way that might have had the intention of swaying you from that path.. but the way out was still there.. again i might be overreacting.. if i am dump a bucket of cold water over my head next time you see me.. damn.. there's not really a good way to go about doing this.. maybe i scroll down a bit.. here goes.. i am a faggot damn.. everything is so horribly confusing.. and i attempt to figure it out.. what a pointless use of time.. i don't know what you're thinking right now if you're stunned, hurt, if suspicions have been confirmed.. perhaps i have been a good enough actor.. perhaps i haven't.. i don't know.. as i really have no ideas what is going through your mind right now, i'll have to blunder through things a while until i feel i have illumined to the best of my abillities or time's limits.. if i start saying things that do not need to be said, please pass them over.. on lies.. was homecoming the start? i had imagined i would float through my senior year without much social activity beyond debate or maybe pit orchestra if there was an opening.. i remember the phrase 'just as friends' drifting about somewhere in rudy's and tim's sales pitch.. don't think my motives for asking you were entirely unselfish.. not asking might have blown my cover.. but a large part of my asking was for the reason that i thought you were a really cool person who didn't deserve to miss out on her senior homecoming.. all through the school year and now through the summer til now, i have only wanted a good friend.. i am sorry that i couldn't tell you any sooner that i could not offer anything more.. but i was still to mortified of discovery.. even near the end of the school year, i might have committed suicide or run away if anyone had ever found out.. i had hoped only to have someone talk with and to maybe let you have some fun your senior year.. we grow distant over the summer.. you find someone at miami along the lines of a cute version of evan.. and forget almost completely about me.. i was so scared when jess informed me of your expectations for junior/senior.. being in the closet means lying constantly.. but it is not a direct lie.. people's associations of those whom they do not fear with straight people deceive them.. it is almost never my fault.. even a false reply to a direct question of 'are you gay' can be excused by reciting what is one's own business and what is the business of others.. but kissing you would have been lying in the most despicable way.. and i had considered it.. kissing if i didn't mean it would have been far less awkward or uncomfortable than standing numb over chagrin falls like the peak of ignorant snobbery.. and you might never have known.. and everything might have gone according to my plan.. straight people (example given: ms. haslett, my grandma, lt) must understand homosexuality in terms of what they would have to be thinking if they kissed a member of their same sex.. in that i agree with their digust.. what lt and nick and ryan and kai and many of the other senior guys did well within the view of myers and haslett and holley and pr and the camps, pretending to act in a homosexual manner toward each other and all because it was funny and hell they'd never have to deal with was far more vile and offensive to Bog and his saints and angels than jared making out with another guy in the parking lot after one of the concerts.. the senior guys were doing just what they despised.. jared only acted in what way he did because in whatever part of his brain drives his homosexuality, he saw that guy not as a member of the same sex but of the only appropriate gender for him to experience intimacy.. if i had kissed you then or at any time it would have been a sin on the same level as any adultery or murder.. the constant lie of being in the closet was one i could not avoid.. but i could not lie to you in THAT way.. as always my thoughts are in a bit of a mess, but i hope i have said everything that i needed to.. and i have enjoyed knowing you this past year.. i've always wanted to get you some sort of amazing book like the ones you've given me but i haven't been able to think of anything about which you have no knowledge.. and all the things we saw were amazing and i'm so grateful you showed me the museum or the cedar lee or the parks or any of that.. i enjoyed spending time with you up until each clumsy kiss-less goodbye.. you don't know how much i've envied rudy's being able to do stuff with you without being serious.. i'll live with whatever your reaction to all this may be..if you really don't feel like seeing me again i'll understand.. i would still like to be your friend if i could.. that's what i really wanted from the beginning.. but if you don't feel the same i won't be angry.. if you should still have any desire to be at least friends with this pathetic queer.. let me know.. scott post script: i know i'm almost certainly understimating you by saying this, but as i am still mostly in the closet, this is all on the low, right? i know you're not at all the type to go telling people, but i can't take a chance.. i think you understand.. 040808 what's it to you? who go blather from