tweaker misstree "what kind of people have you seen over here?" the officer asked, trying to gently lead the innocent soul i had presented. "i don't know. people." "did they look like drug users?" i kept my stare blank and manged to only pause a half beat before asking, "i don't know what a drug user would look like." "you know, dirty, shabby clothes, things like that." my stare was still blank, but i tried to hide the hard gleam to it as i clamped down into docile character. "no, the only people i've seen over here have looked like regular people." which wasn't entirely true. there have been the unkempt, and there has been a look in many an eye that reveals the tweak or the need for it... but i have seen many more people that wouldn't draw a second glance... am i a tweaker? if so, it is temporary. still have not spent a penny, and absolutely will not, with the possible exception in the distant future of a six month indulgence. but this is a more regular indulgence, and if i weren't still sure i could leave, if it became any more regular than it is, i would be done at that moment, and the roomie would keep it out of sight and mind, and if i got to that point it might suck, but having seen all that is around me, the animal nature drawn forth by need, the fast-forward unsynch, the skittering, the inflicted ocd, the morals and self discarded in blind groping, well, i'm pretty sure i could kick a minor habit. and i'm damn sure of my safety net, or another gust to lift me, well, somewhere else. 050907 ... the long memories of mad birds tweakers do tend to look rather uniformly frazzled and grungy once they've passed a certain point but obviously, if the cop assumes that all drug users must inherently look dirty and unkempt, than he must have never been anywhere near an upscale neighborhood during the height of the cocaine years (1979-1992) before they hit the wall and corssed over to the point where their addiction was no longer ether concealable or sustainable, you could count on a well-heeled coke-fiend to look positively fucking immaculate. it wasn't until you got into the junk and the acid and all of the cheaper and often meaner highs that you knew you were in the presence of people who were experiencing different, if not better, living through chemistry. the tweaker looked like shit, and the house would smell strangely of tweak-addled bodily scents, but the house itself would look as if every surface had been swept, scrubbed or polished within an millimeter of its very existence 050907 ... misstree that's because it usually is. i have to say, meth is great for getting shit done, if you can focus long enouh. makes the chaos that much more chaotic, tho. 050907 ... weird wired bird excess levels of stimulant make me purely chaotic (think "The Tazmanian Devil" but big and human and even more ill-tempered) the only time i iever tweaked, i had to be held down, chained up and thrown in a big closet until i calmed down...even too much caffeine (anything beyond the 7th cup of espresso or the 4th liter of Mountain Dew within an 8-hour window) sometimes makes me wanna break stuff and kick people and it's not like someone all mindless and raged out like someone on Dust, it's just that i become very easily provoked as such, i haven't touched the shit in 10 years 050907 ... Heeeeere*s birdmad! i was like Nicholson in the freezer in The Shining when i got chucked in the closet...doing my best to sound reasonable hoping they'd let me back out while secretly pondering the idea of eviscerating everyone in the room 050907 ... misstree i can see that... there's a lot of carbonated aggro inherent in it, a franticness... that weird fast forward... somehow, it doesn't make me any more aggro, which is a damn blessing, because lord knows i don't *need* any more aggro... just perky... years back, when i tried it for the first time, i swore i would never touch it again, because i liked it way too much. then it got moved to the category of drugs that i'd try once every six months, and never if i had easy access to it. and look at me now. hi_mom! it's quite an interesting indulgence, though... last week, just before the raid, went with true excess, just because i could... the surreality after 48 hours was pretty hard core, and i'm glad i got a chance to visit, but by no means do i want to live there. a day just isn't right without sleep between one day and the next. and i've been surprised at the lack of temper of many of those around me. some of them are very chill people, when the ocd isn't showing like a peeking bra strap. or if you don't notice the rate of their speech. it's funny, too, for years i've been accused of tweaking, before i even understood why people were commenting on my pupil size. i'm just naturally bouncy in certain circumstances, and energy drinks were as ubiquitous as vodka and eyeliner in the pre-bar ritual. now that i actually am high, i rarely get accused of it... but i wonder if it shows... and i'm always really nervous to tell people that it's even in my environment, pretty heavily demonized at the moment, especially in this area... they have a "meth watch" segment on the nightly news, for chrissakes... and i'm not saying it's a good thing, by any means... was discussing with someone earlier today the lack of moral code in this culture in this time and place... i've run with some seriously shady folks in the past, but there's always some sort of underlying loyalty and set of rules... don't rat on people, and if you do, you damn well better not show your face... don't steal from friends... there was a network of people having eachother's backs... but herenow, you have to spin constantly to keep the blades out of your spine, and even those you think you can trust, well, while sometimes that trust holds true, it's not something that can be in any way taken for granted. the universe keeps coming up with new and inventive ways to induce paranoia within me. it can keep trying, i'd rather lose everything than lose my ability to honor, trust, love. 050907 ... daxle in my experience, honor, trust, and love are not aspects in a tweaker's life. in my experience, tweakers suffer from the illusion that they are accomplishing something. i've watched tweakers work very dilligently to essentially accomplish absolutely nothing, for hours and days and even weeks. The ugly, hateful things I have seen are enough to convince me that I never ever want to touch that toxic shit again. 050907 what's it to you? who go blather from