minute_letters2 kerry it was 6:45ish and i was running around my room finding a coat and a scarf and shoes and i hear the doorbell ring so i get my shoes on and go up to the front of the house where dad is holding the roaring dog and mom has the door open and not only justin but justin AND james are standing in my house. so i'm sure i probably looked pretty shocked but i remembered talking to him on friday and saying he should come along and he looked kind of iffy. we go to justin's and james and i are alone in his room while justin shows his new camcorder to his mom's friends, and james is kind of buzzed and we talk and nick comes to pick us up in his minivan which made me laugh. so we drive down there and buy our tickets and then go to this little rasta shop thing where they sell hemp, hats, oils, beads, and necklaces and i dont even know what that kind of place would be called but it was neat, and the lady talked to us and i looked at the cool hats and i need to go buy some hemp but it was $5 and i dont know if thats a lot of money or not. james had to be dragged away from the necklaces and finally we left and walked to zesto's where justin got hot wings and everyone else but me got milkshakes and i got a cherry coke. the whole time, girls from james' synagogue i guess you'd call it, or temple, kept seeing him and talking to him and this one girl was so annoying, she would not stop touching his arm and leaning in close to talk to him and playing with her hair, so justin and i are watching her and whispering and kind of giggling. and another girl sits in the row in front of us and asks us to take her picture with this disposable camera but it is dark in there and justin does it anyway but james and i are laughing so much because he cant remember her name. and we talk the whole time and between sets while justin and nick are getting food we are sitting in the chairs talking with our faces turned and resting against the seats. it was a good concert, my parents are furious with me because i got in at 1:00 and hadn't called them, but it was so worth it. 030209 ... kerry new pictures of the nature reserve, most of them pretty much suck but i think i got some nice ones of some trees, with johanna and her red hoodie up, looking like a little child wandering around in the forest, like an elf, le sigh. i make lists of words... harlequin, dynamo, catatonia, today is a better day, a little, today i was so upset in photography because most of my film was trashed. 48 wasted frames, infinite minutes i spent, trying so hard to capture everything and i came out with everything black. "what i wouldnt give for more time!" "and i wish we had no consequences." "and infinite brain capacity, or do we?" "we know TIME and we know that everything really is FINE." but saturday, i keep thinking, engulfed in cold hard night, with synchronized steps we explore shops colorful vials moccasins and hemp, words flow freely and slowly oil slipping clear in the streets with flashing signs and straws chortling and choking and congested, 'angel-headed hipster' i am not as jack and neal both were more like a creaky rusted fairy or a shutterbug or a poetic parasite eating away at words and paper, leaving a charred wake, crawling catlike over cracked and broken sidewalks. the jewish girls all noses and hip pumas, the punky anarchists who leave their jackets at home, the geeky kids come slithering out of their bedrooms with heads full of shaggy hair and tourdates, we blend in somehow oil bubbles in your waterglass, balls of mercury dancing across justin's desk. i am waiting pocketwatch spinning mad insane hands sliding everywhere, on streetcorners and beneath dustruffles for tittering friends with long stories to share their shoulders breathmints, advice, and zen. i have anticipated glowing haloed gods dropping down from nimbus clouds dripping with a lack of the qualities shared by nearly everyone i know now. and relentlessly insightful, to keep the dust out of my head and undo the cuffs on my brainstem. we aren't all searching for towns covered in mirrors to let us know exactly where we belong so we dont have to search for any sort of heritage. on nights when the pressure of silence is water forcing into my ears, i am still waiting for everything to pick up. 030210 ... kerry wait! stop! listen to me! i am about to carve out my heart and throw it at your feet! there is no time for self-expression. there is no time for artistic measures. there are limits and consequences everywhere. i floated in and out of conciousness comparing your eyes to the smashed aqua blue windshield glass in my wallet. the shards zoomed in and out in my head. and i am straining to pull words from my throat like white rabbits, leave them squirming in your hands. "deal with these, they are your problem now. deal with this panicked feeling, because i can't. and i think you need to hear about it." johanna walked up when we left the north building. and she knew, she saw, i hadnt, i was shocked that she was even surprised. i wasnt surprised. just disappointed, as always. ALWAYS. always walking with you choking and tripping over everything i wish i could say. and i wish i had cameras in my eyes or something so i could record everything and everyday i wish you'd come rescue me from my life, from school, i hope desperately to see you in the doorway, "i need to see kerry for a minute" and we can just leave... and i can say anyways... we walked, and then split, and i started walking again after saying bye to johanna and was behind you and you turned and looked at me and smiled squinting like you were looking into the sun except you werent really, and i came down and talked to you and exposure_boy about soccer, and you asked me about writing, and then he left to go to practice and you had to go get something and as you were walking towards the door to go back inside, my head was wrestling around, DO IT! I CAN'T! SAY SOMETHING! I CAN'T! YOU MUST! "wait!" i finally said, digging it out of the depths of my stomach. but you didnt hear. i watched your back disappear behind the thick, heavy door, and i shut my eyes and opened them and walked to the parkinglot and put on a happy face. 030211 ... kerry i feel so high like i am a bubble floating over everything this afternoon i told you!!! i told you! i had thought about it while i was taking a shower this morning because i do my best thinking in the shower first thing in the morning, and i was nervous and talking to myself, got out and went to school and thought about it during photography leaning against the paper cutter wanting it to slice through my hands feeling so sick at the mere thought of approaching you about it but i know i'd hate myself if i didn't do it, so i saw you as i was coming down the hall after school after 4th, and you smiled and stopped to wait for me, just think how wonderful everything could be!!!!! "can i tell you something really random?" "yeah, sure." johanna walks by, i look panicked almost, so scared, she knows exactly what is going on. i keep looking at you, you're smiling at me, i have to do it, "ok, well... this is really hard, you have to understand..." still all smiles and seasalt, johanna said later that you were smiling so wide, "i like you, and... i just wanted to tell you, because if someone liked me, i'd want to know about it." i'm waiting for the grin to go away but it doesnt, and i say, "if this is really awkward, then..." "no, it's not awkward at all." anything else? you say, "i like you, a lot." !!! "you're cool." so i'm thinking, what? maybe he didn't quite understand what i meant when i said i liked him. but then, "what are you doing this weekend?" and later when i have to go, you say, "okay, bye. oh, hey. i'll give you a call later, or something." and i'm going down the steps but i am so happy i just smile and nod and walk away. and i *sigh* really hope this feeling doesn't fade too fast... 030213 ... Fivel Right on. :) 030214 ... kerry "i guess i should have just stopped you because i thought i knew what you were about to say." "you did?" oh, well that would have been nice of you to save me from all of the embarrassment i had to go through!!!! "yeah." "oh! well. ha." "actually, for a while now, or maybe a few weeks, i had been thinking of telling you the same thing. but i didn't know if i should because i didn't want it to mess with the friendship, and stuff." "really?" "yeah." "thats so great." you laugh. "yeah." 030214 ... Fivel Awesome. 030215 ... kerry i kind of wish i'd left right in the middle of this huge high i was stuck in. this thick cloud i was swimming through. you picked me up and we walked around and i bought hemp and you bought a frisbee and we drank juice and rootbeer and walked around for about four hours. talking, laughing. i had a good time. then we got back here and didn't know what we should do. and i sort of asked you the wrong question and i realize now, i didn't really want to know. i guess i thought i did. i asked if you were still 'involved' with katie. and you told me she was coming down soon, and you hated only talking to her through the phone even though it was a great invention and all, you hated talking through the holes in a piece of plastic, and the gaps were too big, and you looked ready to cry. then i didn't know what to say and you apologized for not having a straight answer for me and i wanted you to leave almost because all i wanted was to talk to someone else ask them what they thought maybe mope or find some way to feel better i'd kind of like to stand in the middle of a big orange forest and cry //i'd kind of like a straight answer i really regret asking about it. i felt so unbelievably stupid afterwards. i can't tell you this. you said you'd give me a call. i wondered what in the world we'd talk about. 030215 ... kerry two nights ago i dreamed i was in a huge, dark cathedral with burgundy floors. and we were all pretending to be dead, lying in a heap on the floor, like dead soldiers and he was rooting through us, poking us, and sending some of us to hell. [oh!!! this is just fitting together in my head. it never made sense before.] continuing.... so some of us go to hell... he slides us down a great curving banister, hands folded across the stomach, ankles together, like burials at sea, and the others slept on couches in the main part of the cathedral where pews would have normally been. blue couches. i didn't get a couch... i had to sleep on the stairs, near the banister, and i was afraid of him, and we were slaves in the cathedral. i want a mazzy star cd so badly right this instant. i want to go to the park like last friday and swing upside-down on the tireswings and run crazily and buy old postcards like the one i bought for $1 with a picture of the Clash on the front, from 1976 or so, i gave it to my dad. i want to document everything. i was thinking today, about random things, and i realized that jackie's life is like a score, a series of notes and songs, and james' life is a movie, and johanna's life is a series of watercolors and soundtracks, and mine is a photo album, a series of negatives. and i thought it was nice to think of things like that. 030219 ... kerry sweet sixteen and she worries about funds and she longs for sleep, sleep without dreams and a ragdoll and a plane ticket out. she suffocates under the weight of her books and listens to the pixies for the first time in forever and can't tell anyone. she bites the same nail and drowns in hellish dreams and she thinks for once that money might make her happy. she has the Car Tonight, i won't Be There, i am Burning out, i am a Dead Star, i am a Crippled Fairy. flying curly-Qs with my one good wing. i leave nuts and bolts in my dirty clothes. i leave rust on my pillowcase. when i say Talk To Me I mean it. no one does a thing... take action, girls are crying on sidelines. girls are puking in bathroom stalls. girls are screaming at mirrors. put the camera away, there's nothing to see here. and i am so caught up in my own Want. i am so afraid nothing will come true. we are lucky there are people without dreams. people to make our clothes. people to can our good. people to pick up our garbage. and i want a tribe in a rickety old house with dim rooms and porches and space to sit on the roof. a huge bacchanalia of words and sound throbbing from everywhere, and if the world was filled with people like me, everyone would just sit around naked telling stories and drawing with berry juice and eating fruit because that would be all i'd think of to do. and our stories would be short, and no one would cry but everyone would be insane. 030222 ... kerry **good= food 030222 ... kerry last night i was the only girl at justin's and all the guys probably thought it was weird but it wasn't, well it sort of was but not in a bad way, and we were so bored we drove around for about half an hour and justin's mom bought him a case of beer and james and i sat on the bed and exposure_boy and justin drank some and exposure_boy wanted to drink in a suit so he wore pinstripes, i left at only 11, and i was quiet the whole time i was there but not in a bad way, just a content sort of comfortable way exposure_boy said he will call me if he goes to the cemetery to take light pictures, i really hope he does i just got home but i have to get out of the house again..... he and devin will pick me up and we will run around the cemetery with lighters and i sort of hope we do not run into any homeless men.. now jackie is coming over and i know we are going to end up lying down on the floor listening to mazzy star and then the edward scissorhands soundtrack and it will be a calm moment wonderful wonderful just lying in in in i cant even think calmness justin has a little fridge in his room and he puts all his "booze" in it and i told him to never use that word EVER AGAIN! and we laughed because he sounded like such a redneck saying booze as he put can after can of busch in the fridge and offered me ale and it was good but i didnt feel like drinking and james only wanted to drink if they had guinness which of course they didn't so he had a little while i was there but no one was drunk until after i left which is really good for me because i have a feeling i would have gotten bored of it pretty quickly im burning out, i never want to go to school again jackie and i went to the park today and it was insanely beautiful, so pretty i could pretend i was somewhere else entirely, in any other city, with orange light streaming over everything and glowing and screaming gold i took pictures of the geese when i was little i got chased by a duck we walked back and talked about organized religion and i said i thought it was for weaker people who had to be told when to sit and stand i am glad i dont go to church anymore, there is a huge difference between religion and spirituality 030223 ... kerry scratches all over my left calf from getting stuck in thorns when exposure_boy and devin and i went to the park to take pictures watching geese wading through icy creek waters i closed my eyes and imagined the gold sunset splaying out over the pond and the little old man sitting by the waterfall in his houndstooth jacket and new Nikes i loved him immediately there are remotes everywhere and birthdays are like every other day this year and i put off studying and i called james and it didnt even matter, everything is happy swinging and singing and just trotting merrily on wooded trails we ran into james when we were walking to the school parking lot where exposure_boy left the van james in baseball tshirt getting his stuff for soccer out of the trunk ooo do i love you old men and geese and orange waters 030224 ... kerry i have listened to the yo la tengo song "you can have it all" over and over lately. today after school with sticky fog everywhere and glassy mist we walked as usual outside and, today you looked at me smiled and said, "so what are you doing tomorrow?" "uh... practice. soccer. usual. what are you doing tomorrow?" you're grinning. "oh, i dunno. it's thursday." "yeah." i stare at the ground. "oh! right. thursday. my birthday." "haha, yeah. i was thinking, if the weather permits or whatever, we could go to the park. i dont need to go to practice." now i am grinning and i will go anywhere with you. and practice for tomorrow is cancelled so we can walk under huge trees looking at mammoth hills sloping down smooth and green and icy ponds and the island where they kept monkeys once, long ago when it was isolated the old man in his Nikes, most of my pictures didnt come out and when i looked at them my head was hot and gassy and i felt dizzy-angry so much time, so much film, wasted one picture of initials on a tree some ducks devin climbing the castle and exposure_boy trying to get a shot of his dog thats all but but i placed in a second photo contest, the same photograph, the first one was a competition sponsored by the kiwanis club and i got first place, a $50 savings bond and a ruffly blue ribbon, and i am being sent to regionals next, and then in the Visual Vibes contest making top ten and beating out two of the best artists at our school, both of them seniors, i got sixth place out of 150 contestants and i am feeling hyperactive and manic and crazy-like it will be sent off to the dogwood festival and it is for sale and maybe some yuppie will buy it for $100 ahh!! birthday tomorrow! and a walk in the park with james, and my new Man Ray book and gauzy lavendar shirt from my aunt, and whatever my parents have wrapped for me i will find tomorrow, and everything is happy and good. 030226 ... kerry it was a good day, aside from the art mixups and cancelled walk because of the stupid rain, oh well maybe this weekend. you went to the hospital this morning before school to get a bedpan for me and i thought it was the cutest thing for you to do and this afternoon you said, "here, i have something," and pulled an old hemp necklace with a glass teardrop out of your pocket, and you said you used to wear it but it was too small, and i really love it i wanted to hug you but couldnt make myself really this sounds stupid why should i be sad? it's my birthday. but i'm said because we never went on a walk, and because i feel very lost when i think about you, for reasons that take too long to write, and i am afraid to wear your necklace because of what it screams, about the way i feel abuot you. and i think about you through homework and snooty art receptions, rain clouds and phonecalls from California snowboarders, advice from my friends, and my lullaby CDs. i am worried that me being nervous and sad will make me even more bitter. i am sick of feeling somewhat vulnerable. and i personally think art is bullshit, which is the truest most honest thought i've had in so long, it makes me laugh. tonight driving through Midtown i looked out the window, listened to Dave Matthews, thought about things and nearly cried. because everything is so short and i look and hope for too much and i want things i'll never have and i feel too deeply. i am afraid i will never be able to just maintain happiness for an entire day of my life. i'm not greedy i dont know i dont think i'm a moody teenager, i have always been like this, my entire life wondering if i am crazy since i was seven or eight, there are so many good things surrounding me, i hate to stand out [if you say my name enough or in a certain way or call enough attention to me, i turn red and blush like crazy] but i am afraid to be anonymous how do you measure success? there are songs that make me want to be Catholic i cannot begin to think before i write long term effects of weed? you are like nature that grows over everything, my new nickname is Red Shirt, bush throws around the word Evil so carelessly EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL [satan is evil, saddam is evil, killing is evil] and i could be ridiculous [religion is evil, sanctity is evil, and so are you] the weather? (how is) the Messiah? (who is) William Burroughs! (READ) i need my bathroom with paint ripped up and scars like Eurasia on the ceilings. Sam Philips sang "I need Love." I need time to myself. i want to give my birthday to all my sad friends. 030227 ... splooshy sploosh sploosh sploosh. 030227 ... kerry dont want to start my research paper for AP. but i've only got one page down, no rubric to follow, all eight of my books are way overdue, and i have to turn this thing in tomorrow. still, i'm not working on it. ha. yo la tengo makes me feel jazzy and refreshed. last night at about 6, jackie and vail and i went to this cute little french cafe. it was jackie's birthday present to me. it was so small it didnt have a bathroom, and the waitresses all had smooth french accents, and when you walk in everyone stares at you because there must be like ten or eleven tables, maybe. so we got pasta and salad and chocolate mousse for desert, two of them because we all fought over the first. and then we wandered around for a bit in the drizzle and i remembered to call james because he'd said call after dinner, that we should do something, so when i called jackie and vail were being all loud and obnoxious and i couldnt stop laughing but i said, "would you guys shut up for one second?" and he laughs and they run away. its dark and i'm wandering around the parking lot talking to him and they drive by on the street a couple times, and finally pull over and let me in. then they won't take me home because they know he's supposed to come over. so vail's driving and jackie's bobbing up and down grinning like a cork in the front seat and im laughing and yelling in the back. finally they take me home and by 9:15 james comes over and we watch the Godfather on DVD and laugh at all the serious parts. justin came by about 12:45 and picked him up, and my couch still smells like him, and my brain is still going berserk wondering whats going to happen, and we're going to the park today definitely, but i have to work and i dont want to and he smells like the building where i took art classes in sixth grade. 030302 ... kerry walking everywhere today and yesterday somehow it feels as if something has been knocked out of balance and the world has changed but i cannot figure out how everything is unfamiliar suddenly and i am all that is the same if anyone else reading this has noticed the same thing, please say something red nails big black cartoony dogs magnolia trees walking around the college campus you lost exposure_boy's hat we threw your waterbottle into the train car holding tons of sand and dirt and whatever else i let the wind whip hair around my face because brushing it away doesnt help, fingers numbed, we sat later under heater's at starbuck's. it was only after asking deadly questions i didnt even mean to ask, it was my subconcious it pushed out of my lips and i couldnt very well take anything back i dont want to know anything anymore i dont think we are going anywhere and i dont particularly want to see you and i feel like i feel somehow teary i am afraid to break my shell i like the fact that all of my friends except one or MAYBE two have never seen me cry and i don't want to change that now i'm not stony i have emotion i don't like to give myself away i wanted to just stop and stand and let the wind cave in my ribs do you hear what you are saying/ did you hear what i was saying? weeks ago falling loose words that would have otherwise exploded like tiny roman candles in my stomach if it had been you i wouldnt have been insincere i asked you what was going on and i still have no idea, except i do now feel naive, maybe this is for the better because i would have felt worse the later i found out whatever i found out today which is something that can't be put into words exactly only the way it affects me and the way it affects me is it makes me feel very weak please dont make me eat my pasta, Mother, i am not hungry tonight i am sick of things here i told her i had to get out of this city and she thought i was full of shit why am i seeing so much of you? why didn't i listen to the voice in the back of my head when i realized i wasn't exactly sure about anything? music all stopped and traffic blows by and the trees are misshapen and dizzy spell at starbuck's and all the time i dont know whats happening to the world around me, something in the earth has shifted and i know its not me 030302 ... kerry we go to stores and try on pretty lace dresses and count the stars in the door. and mannequins made 1994, where was i in 1994? i was seven. i had no real thoughts. i made no useless art. i cried over stupid trivial things, but i was happier. am i not pretty enough? i'm afraid to laugh too loud, you've made me wary of happiness. i still have your noose around my neck, drag me along with it and pretend everything's cool. i feel like i'm knee-deep in icy water with glass in my feet. pull me out of the creek and patch me up. words are spilling out instead of blood. where did caring about war get anybody? i am too tired to care. i am too tired about things in general. your radiation makes me sick. i dont want to have nightmares about mushroom clouds and duct tape. what if all the crazy people, with their bottled water and extra batteries and canned food, what if they turn out to be right? you make me want to lie on the couch all day. you make my feet fall asleep and my head swim. you make me feel sad and short of breath. no words to describe insane dizziness of your face. is our turn on the ferris wheel coming to a close? i didn't get my money's worth. no time at the top. my temporary high is your oxygen and i hate you for it. hold my head. today johanna and i were eating icecream in front of starbucks and devin called my cell phone. he and exposure_boy came and picked me up, johanna and i were about to leave anyway so it didnt matter, and we picked up jackie and went to take pictures in the cemetery nearby. it was beautiful with rolling hills and devin, exposure_boy, and i sat on top of one huge gravestone and jackie took a group picture of us. 030308 ... kerry finally i'm home. i tried to read but the words were dancing. i tried to focus while my pulse gyrated all through the room and i was dizzy. there's never enough water and never any good food and sleep hits me in a big wave suddenly sweeping over my skin across my scalp and through my pores. things are morphing all around. some swirly sabatier of familiarity. all your young yuppie artists, all your grungy thugs, the vain Elizabeth Bathory's of our generation, why are the maps all changing? roadsigns all tilted and shortcuts disappear. the walls throb while you rip skin from my esophagus and i hate telephones, suddenly. what will we have to clean up once we're out of this state of mind? i dreamed i couldnt remember mickey rooney and you had a comb-over. there are things i see that i'll never feel right sharing with you. the dark alleys of my head. and maybe whats happening is my pupils are turning into cameras...or maybe i am just changing, and all of a sudden it's obvious. slowdance with me. we'll wear wool socks and hover over the floor, blue lights and everything faded all around. i left an outline in every photograph. my constellation wavering where they expect me to be. we dont hear the grandfather clock anymore. my ears are immune. i'll never hear another chime, another train, ever again. at 9:00 A.M. i knew i was still sick, but i looked in the mirror and i felt sort of okay... if sleep stops curing illnesses, will i have to turn to doctors and medicine? can i photosynthesize? sleep is steady. sleep is always here if only i could find it. if i only had the time. confusing dreams with memories. dont you look around and not know where you are? i love whisking myself off to faraway places... sometimes i move robotically through the day without any knowledge of what im saying or doing. i love that. dont want to stand up because the floor is swirly and everything is moving and shifting. danny: are you on acid? me: no. i just dont feel well. effects of the cough syrup? shut your eyes in synch with the downbeat. dont buy me anything, i am so last minute. i always assume they will do what they want, simply because they want to. it always makes me feel ordinary. political activists and sign-holders, burn your posters and buttons, kill your campaigns, my face is streamed across your windshield. i stay close to home. i want home to be somewhere i dont mind staying close to. 030308 ... kerry i went to target and saw bo and didn't want to talk to her so i hunched down low and walked a circle around the long way to the cash registers so she wouldn't see me. and i looked for a kasey chambers cd but couldn't find one because target has a very bad cd selection. i'm sick and i'm coughing and sneezing all the time but i cant stay home from school. when you're sick, cant you just feel your skin moving and twitching and itching all over your face? i want to go to westminster abbey and i want to go to transylvania. i want to be somewhere a ton of things have happened, good and bad. emily always tries to be random. and johanna's started hanging out at the coffee shop. i feel worse when i wake up. i drink glass after glass of chocolate Silk to coat my throat. my favorite things are too specific. sometimes, i wish i liked going out and getting drunk. wouldnt it make things easier, so much simpler. i dont want to talk to you.....until you have an answer..... im sick of wasting my time.. 030309 ... kerry i am home sick. i went to school only to get my study guide for AP out of my locker... realized i just couldn't even make it all the way through first period. i can't swallow. my teeth and tongue are throbbing. my windpipe is raw and bloody-feeling all the way down into my chest. last night i woke up at 2 a.m. with my throat closed up and the pain pumping so hard it was coming out of my ears, literally. james who doesnt call even though he says he will is going to wait for me this afternoon at his locker for a moment, think i am late, realize i'm not at school. i will miss the soccer game, the AP presentations, developing my 2 latest rolls, the chemistry test... and ordinarily i would be worried and anxious, but now i could not be happier. i lay on the couch for about an hour today in the sun listening to No Doubt with the chenille blanket spread over my body, wool hoodie pulled up over my tousled hair. i want to go outside and feel ever ounce of warmth on my face because now the sickness has begun to kick in again and it is 70 degrees in this house but i am covered in sweaters and a blanket and still shivering. just today i have drunk(en?) almost all of the Silk in our refrigerator because i like the way it smooths my throat out. i would make myself a virgin margarita except i'm afraid the lime will sting a bit. james i am sick of caring. you are too sweet. you burn my fingertips. james i am sick of pretending everything is cool with me. i am sick of making believe it is alright if we never go anywhere with this. "someone has a case of the mondays!" if something happens then that is great. and if it doesn't, then i can say i tried. you are so lost and i am sorry for you. you remind me of myself a couple years ago before i grew a backbone. it is not yet 3:25, not yet time for school to be out, but already i miss walking out with you, though i think we both need to walk alone a little bit. last night i said "if i don't get out of here... then i don't know." and you agreed or something and i said i didnt care about anything anymore and i wished i was somewhere where there were things worth caring about 030310 ... kerry woke up at 9 this morning, i got 11 hours of sleep and i felt so good. dad was watching an old movie in the living room, everyone was at school, he made me take my temperature and it still said 99. i wanted to go to school this afternoon. i was so disappointed. though i feel much better now i am still bored and i miss people. i need to do something other than busywork and lay around drinking juice that tastes too much like my cough syrup and watching trash tv and playing The Pretty Uglies loud over the stereo. i want to go to blockbuster and get 'requiem for a dream.' i've never seen it. i want to go watch the soccer team practice, or process my film, or take long naps in the sun on the football field like we did on friday during photography. stupid fever. stupid popping ears. stupid stupid sore throat!! stupid voice i dont have!!! i ran a really hot bath and lay there listening to a cd and feeling the steam rise up to the ceiling. there was green tea bath salt in the water and my legs and feet itched and tingled, murky water up to my chin. red hair fanning out like peacock feathers under me. everything outside is beautiful and dancing. this is what i dont see while i'm at school. everything gold and glowing. sound is churning up the air in this room and i feel much better. 030311 ... frAnk "a feeling not so good kerry" is fun to read. i just got over a similar virus. my mouth was sore as hell in an unusual place, but only lasted three days. i ran a fever also, but i'm all cherry now. 'requiem for a dream' is a good call. jared leto is sick. 030311 ... kerry You understand, there are pictures by Gene Smith on my door, girls smoking up for Vietnam, and the boy climbing the street sign; we all know Pride Street in some form or another. I try not to worry anymore about anything I can't control, which seems to be everything lately. Things will work out, you understand. "Because we know time and we know everything really is fine," at least until I run out of words. my street ends here. you smell like old houses i used to know and you are And now i can't find any of my old stations because you remind me of nature that grows over everything and it's growing over myhead and makes me want to visit redwood forests and go everywhere on foot. i feel like a waterfall turned inside out all the time. And you make me think of things in a different way, things including myself, while i sit and stare at rippled glass and teacups and ordinary objects and i can suddenly come up with beautiful metaphors for all of them. And ican't imagine anyone ever calling myhouse just for the sake of my voice or because they're dying to know what i have to say, about anything. There are girls with purple spots on their skin and distorted reflections. There are politicians who shit all over people like us. Right now someone is dying and someone else thinks they are in love. Some people i know will only get married because they think it is the thing to do, and they might not even want to. There are people i know who will never meet anybody who wants to marry them. There are people i know who will never understand anything. Everyone wants implants. Everyone has changed so much in such a short amount of time and i am stuck in sixth grade sometimes, in Airwalks and wide striped t-shirts and Levi's blue jeans from the Rich's boy's department slung low around my twelve year-old waist. But i'm sixteen, wearing soft shirts and feeling fuzzy and wasted all the time even though i don't drink. Creases deepen like the color of my hair and my wrists thin out like trees losing their leaves. jackie and i decided that we need to really get to know TIME. because time is the ultimate over everything and time controls everything and everyone is a slave to time so if we really know time, we will finally have some control over things. do you think life follows a pattern? i can sit here right now and tell you exactly what i think is going to happen to me in certain parts of my life. i know my life will get a little better in the next few years. i know that james and i are going to continue to hang out and do whatever it is that we are doing which is not much and be happy and this will go on for however long, and then something will happen. and i dont know what that is... maybe summer will happen, or camp, or katie, and maybe thats what will happen first, or maybe something better. or we will move to a different phase. but i know this is going to take place because nothing lasts forever. and that is a fact. as long as i know all this, i think i can be somewhat happy and calm. it is a good thing to know, that nothing lasts forever. 030313 ... kerry i came home late last night and i was so mad. i went to james' house for a couple hours. screw that, because while we were hanging out in the loft, katie called which sucked in itself. then justin and amanda showed up which was alright, because justin made some really spicy pasta. THEN, exposure_boy shows up with devin, braiden, and this stoner kid gabe. and braiden is tripping really hard on shrooms and devin's the designated driver which sucks because then james decides to roll a joint, and i know they've been drinking shroom tea that exposure_boy made but i can't tell if he's tripping or not, and everyone always talks shit about gabe and then hangs out with him. Lame. what is lamest of all is that james started the soccer season saying he wasn't going to smoke until after it was over, and he hasn't slowed down at all, and i don't like brad as a person all that much, but he STOPPED for the season, and i am beginning to think he is so much cooler than james. even though i supposedly Like james. or Love him even. and i guess i do still like him, Like him like him, but it sucks because that Like is so clouded by stuff i'm so pissed at and annoyed with. like how he says he likes me, and we hang out etc, but katie is still there, and we are going nowhere. and maybe that is cool with him because he's got his Girlfriend or whatever, but i'm not exactly lucky enough to have a Significant Other so.... it's not cool with me. No. Not really cool at all. in a way i am wasting my time, but who else would i hang out when jackie is busy and i'm sick of everyone else? and i don't like any other guys anyway, so it's not like i'd be hooking up with anyone. but jackie and i agreed that this whole pot thing is getting dumb and out of hand, it's very high-schoolish, immature, and you may think "Well what do you expect?" which is true in a sense but in another sense, it doesn't mean we have to give in to it or whatever, or think it's cool, or participate. stupid stupid. i almost cried on the phone with her yesterday afternoon while we were discussing this because James and exposure_boy smoke so much pot that it has definitely had an effect on their personalities and behavior even when they're sober, and it is SO SAD to think of what kind of people they might be if they didn't do it so much, or even at all. and it's irreversible. i just thought that was the most immensely sad thing, ever. 030316 ... kerry dad and i coast through the city listening to Sandinista. he could tell me anything about the Clash, except who sings "Lose this Skin." [maybe it is mick jones] my code name in chemistry is Paperface. and now i realized i want to be Martha Washington... [if you have seen Dazed and Confused, you may remember what i am talking about] and johanna is Loner Dottie from that Get up Kids song, 'I'm a Loner, Dottie, a Rebel.' i'm more of a loner than she is but i didn't tell her that. everything started out happy this morning because i tied my hair back and felt like the prettiest thing around. days like that are good.... when you have this golden halo and no one can make you drop it.... and walking to my locker before 1st, saw james and hooked my finger in the loop on his backpack and smiles are worth everything. saw him in the window of the door of the french room, both of them, walked with him after school and he was slouching against his locker waiting for me when i came up and we both appeared to be feeling sunny. fold your hands across your stomach again. we talk about things. war, and soccer, and hemp, and things we want to do... if this goes nowhere i will still be happy saying stupid mundane things and watching you laugh at them. 030318 ... kerry Come with me. I won't hide We're going on a ride We meet each day, use time to see While we're young and almost free I've got to lose this skin I'm imprisoned in Got to lose this skin I'm imprisoned in Do not turn or hate to see All the things you think we've got Do not turn or hate to see What happened to the wife of Lot We're alone or so they say We're not on our own in that way When we're alone it's real tough going We can take a part in someone else's play Come with me, I thought he said But that's not him anymore, he's dead What's it like to be so free So free it looks like lost to me -The Clash victor has cds by neutral milk hotel and the white stripes, hole, nirvana, (because you cant have hole without nirvana) and sonic youth of course he is all about youth against fascism and i left the lunchtable with bitterness in my teeth dont yell at me because i'm anti-war haul your 17 yr-old self off to war one weekend per month and kiss your captain's ass and you tell me who is against war dad did radar in vietnam and grandpa died on the side of a mountain in his plane and we sit in the shows and hear the jets scream overhead and i dont care what it does for the economy. and thats all i have to say about that because i'm sick of hearing about how good George Dubya is. they made facejugs in the other room and i was blind and murky in the darkroom and the nerdy senior boy asks me for help "Red Shirt!!!" i'd rather everyone call me Red_Shirt than kerry... i dont know why... this weekend the Jump Little Children concert is going on and i can't decide if i'm in the mood to go or not. emily wouldnt stop bothering me because she always has to plan things ahead of time but i hate knowing what im doing because i change my mind so often. i want to go to the old park we used to visit when we were little and i want to find a tireswing someplace in this city and i want to..... do something i could take pictures of. 030319 ... kerry today they were looking for me in the darkroom because i disappeared so fast. when i came back she let me use the 120 camera, 2 lenses no mirror 3-d images, and i walked around staring into the viewfinder almost tripping over everything. james had little hairs on his t-shirt and he is just shaven. it was cute. saw exposure_boy when i was walking back down the stairs outside to the photo room. he had a huge hunk of clay in his hand and was wearing an old Publix apron. his hair is getting longer and he is getting taller and he smiles more. he doesn't smoke pot as much anymore because he says it's boring. he says shrooms are more exciting and they're free. he goes to cow pastures to collect them with devin. i dont care much for drugs anymore but he seems more alert. he showed me some stuff to do with the camera, and said, "get her to load it, and come get me out of class." and thats what i did, and walking out of the room he was all excited and he said, "let's go take pictures!" and i said, "what should we take pictures of?" and he said, "each other." so we did a couple portraits because with a 120 it is so much clearer and the prints he said are beautiful, and he sat up in the dip of the billowy cherry tree with the dainty white flowers a backdrop behind, and i took his picture and it was neat. after walking around for about thirty minutes carefully choosing images, we went to take a picture of the huge purple and gold flower in the playground of the church next door. talked about braiden and how he lives for mushrooms and thats the only time he smiles, when he's tripping, and it made us both sad, and he told me to sit on the swing. he said Look Down. and he took a picture of my face or something. we sat in the sun on the wooden steps because he was tired. we talked about spring_break and other things for a while and then victor came running around the road and jumped the fence and talked with us. i convinced my teacher to let me use the 120 over the weekend... my dad hopefully will help me rewind when i use up all the film, there are only 12 exposures, and maybe we can go to Wolf Camera and buy one more roll, but they are probably expensive because the negatives are about 2 inches wide, and you have to have a special negative carrier. but i'll learn all about that on monday. until then, johanna takes pictures of me eating ice cream, and i take one of james after school when he is all smiley, and he looks a little surprised but it's ok. he comes by later when i am talking with johanna, vail, and audrey and he says he'll give me a call, and later johanna says she felt like he was intruding, like all he saw was me. and that made me feel kind of embarrassed but in a good way. i listen to "the priest" by joni mitchell. pro-war rednecks and college jocks stood on the corner by kinko's today with american flags and signs that said, "liberate iraq" and johanna and i wanted to spit on them and i called them americana bastards but only to her. i didn't want to start anything. we crossed in the middle traffic because we didn't want to listen to them yelling at the cars. i said i want new friends. i told this to johanna and i told this to jackie and jackie said You have new friends. but i dont want to replace anyone, just have a change, in addition. tireswing-hunting and cold cream and bedpans in store windows... and blue couches on the curb... johanna said she takes photos as observations of things that are beautiful and i take photos as documentation. because i usually don't see anything beautiful. 030321 ... kerry **she felt like SHE was intruding 030321 ... kerry sarah has moved into an obscenely large house with a big boxy shape and a grand staircase leading to the front door. jackie and i walked along the road where everyone gapes at the houses and we saw everything for the first time almost. how lucky we are to live near such a neighborhood where people have 8 cars and purple flowers and gardeners, and we get to look at it. because it's beautiful. we went to the park and stood by the entrance while she took a picture of the big lantern on the gate, and the man i saw at the coffeeshop such a long time ago with the blue eyes that reminded me of james walked in with his girlfriend holding hands. i saw him at the videostore recently also, and everytime i think of how attractive he is, and i told her and they were so far ahead but we ran up to see them a little better. we lost them when we stopped to look at the purple blossoms. we looked for them everywhere, walked around the whole huge pond talking and staring at things and then went up on one of the hills carpeted in lush green grass and finally saw them over the slope. he had his shirt off and they lay on a blanket and we went and climbed into a big magnolia tree so we could see them without them seeing us. i want mexican food and i want my hair to grow and i want tireswings. because we sacrificed tireswings for the sake of photography. we saw igby_goes_down last night and jackie loved it and it makes me want to write a new story. she bought a neat red suede blazer at a yard sale around the corner for $3 yesterday and looked like a photographer wearing it with my camera around her neck. lets go to los angeles and eat tacos with pink and yellow lights around and the ocean constantly pulsing for the shore. the same way i am constantly pulsing for things we talked until 2 last night and i got to the point where i was so tired my head ached but i was still so full of things to say, and at 1:51 on the verge of tears not looking at a thing but the beaded garland i'd draped over my bookshelf. yesterday nathalie and kasey and i walked around and i bought expensive striped pants and we ate fries at taco mac. and a credit card fell out of one woman's pocket, she didn't even notice. nathalie picked it up for her. some people decide not to go to school if they just dont want to and i'm jealous. one boy gets his girlfriend to pick him up all the time. he's so smart he doesn't need to be at school. i am crazy! i am contemplating going down to hang out at the coffeeshop with jo&co. exposure_boy says if i survive spring_break at home, i will have plenty of time to concentrate on painting. i haven't painted in a long time but i'm thinking it might be nice. we walked by the museum where a bunch of little kids and their parents were doing some activities about animals and masks and it looked dumb, they all wore colorful bird masks on their faces and stood in front of a big plastic wall stacked high in blocks supposed to look like rocks, and they all fell down. jackie and i were walking across the bridge when there was all this banging and kids screaming and we turned around and the whole wall had fallen down, and we slapped our thighs and laughed. my parents want us to move to new zealand. my family is from new zealand on my dad's side. mom said they are pretty serious about wanting to move but that it's not going to happen because it would be too hard for them to find new jobs. i would miss weird things, like my photography teacher, and the way the sun sets in my window at the beginning of spring, and the way we never close the blinds on one of the picture windows, and reading the ads on the marta buses in the morning on the way to school. and then of course my friends and maybe some family members. but thats normal i guess. david sang "sherry fraser" in the morning before 1st period and i ignored everyone in my cloud of wet hair and sleepiness. i didn't go to the concert, i didn't talk to james, he said he'd call and i didnt feel like torturing myself anymore so when he didn't call i didn't call him either. i didn't do homework, but i will. i didn't find a tireswing, eat biscuits, decided not to snack anymore because i always feel unhealthy. but i'm not. i'm not especially healthy, no more than anyone else. i'm happy today despite the sour tone this blathe is taking and the weather is 65 degrees with some breeze and the sky splotchy blue white and gray. jackie's mother planted a tree, cute boys in panera, cold grass at the park, and two full rolls of film. 030323 ... kerry im invited to go to the beach with johanna but i can't. i already knew when she asked but i asked my mom anyway. NO! ha. typical right? we got in a huge fight last night, my parents and i. and i made it worse because we were in the kitchen and my dad was making me so angry and when i get really furious, REALLY furious, my hands shake a bit and i have to throw something, or rip up something, or smash something. and the closest thing to me that wasn't metal or glass was Mom's plastic bottle of aspirin and i just hurled it at the floor without thinking almost except for a split second of thought process that was almost meaningless because it didn't keep me from acting irrationally, it never does... i was right to think it would make a racket. it slapped cracked smashed against the floor and little chalky aspirin were everywhere some in teeny half-moons on the floor and a corner of the plastic bottle lay in the doorway completely detached from the rest of the bottle. of course it made things worse but it made me feel better physically. jo talks about the song "girlfriend in a coma" by the smiths and here it is now. and on friday we're going to turner's play and i'm paying for her ticket as her birthday present. babysitting saturday night, why do i get stuck doing this stuff? today bo and i left photography and her sister saw us walking from where she was in the french room and she leaned out the window and we went to go talk to her. then john was there saying "SAVE US!" and james comes over and john leaves and james and bo's sister talk to us and james just smiles at me the whole time and we lean on someone's car to talk to them. we were stopped by an administrator asking for our passes as we left, and i started spewing lies about what we were doing out of class, and he sends us back and whatnot, and i hate him because he was so mean about it and he looks like wolfman from those car commercials. "girlfriend in a coma/ i know, i know/it's serious" it's serious! exposure_boy's picture of me turned out nicely, as did mine of him. the geeky senior, it turns out, used to be a huge pothead, which shocked me. he said about a month ago, he was always "stoned as fuck." and i can completely see that, now that i know. it made me laugh to think of him teetering around. 030325 ... kerry today went in the photoroom to the locker where the negatives dry and found half of my 120 negs. looked for the other half and couldnt find them, so i went up to the ceramics class and got exposure_boy and he was laughing and said if they turned out to be in the locker, i had to pay him a nickel. well they turned out to be in the locker! but my teacher and i had both looked in the locker about seven times so, we decided that we are probably just insane or something. he hung around for a bit wearing his publix apron and laughing at me and i told him there was no way i was giving him a nickel. but after making one print i went out to help rebecca process some. but the fix was everywhere, i completely soaked the heater trying to dry a rag in it, and my hands smelled horrible, so i washed them and paid the cute little senior guy a dollar to finish it up for me. which he was very nice to do. he was all smiley about it also, so i went and made another print. now i have two 8"x10" pictures, one of just the cherry blossoms and one of exposure_boy in the tree with the blossoms behind. im pretty happy with both of them. our teacher wants me to make some prints to send off to another competition. i always get really nervous when i do stuff like that. i am always asking myself if i am making prints of the right picture, if maybe there's something else that would have a better chance of placing... is it too dark? too light? too contrasty? should i change filters? 12 seconds or 13, is there even a difference? i dont even like this picture.... 030326 ... kerry the little nerdy senior in photo asked me to prom today. i told him i didn't know and he said Oh is that a No? and it wasn't, so i said No. It's a Maybe. and he said, It's a No, isn't it... so i said, It's a Maybe. It's a Good Maybe. i said i'd tell him tomorrow. it really scared me when he asked me because we were just calmly talking about prom and stuff and then he said "so do you want to go with me?" and i was just... i dont even know. i said something dumb like, "huh? what?" or "i don't know, what? really?" and he offered to pay for everything, tickets are $30 and there's dinner, also i'd have to somehow get a dress and.... i dont know. i can't go with him, i am going to tell him no tomorrow because i simply don't think i'd have fun. but i have to admit it was very flattering. i told vail after school while i was walking with james and he and i talked about prom etc for a bit and about my situation he says, "Wow, that sucks." ha. on saturday afternoon after our soccer games, james and i are going to the inman park festival. i'm pretty excited. tomorrow night, friday night, johanna and i are going with my family to turner's play, which also will be good because his plays always are awesome. and saturday night i felt bad and got stuck babysitting but its ok, it's money in my pocket. i failed FAILED FAILED FAILED FAILED miserably my chemistry test. i've never gotten a grade like that before and it pulled my average down about 10 points. i have to go in to talk to my teacher tomorrow morning and look at my test but i see that as a definite good thing. i need as much help as i can get... i want an A, to pull my GPA up above a 4.0 because my AP class could boost it if i can make an A in there, which is certainly in the realm of possibility since i have an 86. i'd be happy with a B in chemistry and an A in AP because it would at least balance out my GPA or something. anyway. i was so upset, i really try not to let grades get to me so much but seeing that number on the screen, i was close to tears. faizan, who got the highest grade in all the classes and got a free Coke and a candy bar, passed me a note. it said Would you like some candy Kerry? very nice but i said no thanks, because he earned it. argh. wish me luck. 030327 ... kerry creepy bastard. i told him i couldn't go today. i was completely honest about it... i told him i'm not really into stuff like that, and thanks for inviting me but it's just a lot of money to spend on something that's not really my "thing." and he looks half sad and half angry and he tells me he already bought me a ticket. so my vision kind of feels fuzzy and i get incredibly uncomfortable and i say and mumble something like "why??? you can't, thats too much" and he says again he already bought it and i just kind of feel dizzy awkward and repeat myself a little and walk away. amber asked me about it, if i'd said yes, and i told her No! i didn't say yes! well she says he's been telling people i have. which i don't really care about because after all i'm not and i will be somewhere else when he shows up without a date. or maybe he'll get one but it won't be me. but i said "That's really not cool, are you kidding me?" and she's not, obviously, and i think she told him later not to do that. because really. i feel like i am in middle school. i don't even know the kid really. i felt really creeped out for the rest of the class period. he kept staring at me. amber said he came in later really angry and punching walls. austin said they used to play Dungeon and Dragons together, in sophomore year, and if he was going to snap thats when he wouldve done it, but people are always wondering if he's going to bring a gun to school. because he's that type of kid, or something. that paragraph was kind of frantic and backwards. i hope it's not too difficult to get the gist of what i'm saying. anyway it freaked me out, not the gun thing. just the whole buying ticket thing. $30? scary. i never even said yes. i felt like a bitch for a second and then i sat down on the stool and unlocked my drawer and was leafing through negs and contact sheets and realized i was more angry. what a creep. austin told me he's a pervert... i don't like austin particularly but i figure he's a good guy anyway, whether i like him personally or not. jackie stayed in photo with me. i retaught her how to make a print and she made one and we put tacks on the soles of our shoes and tapped around the campus and looked for superglue to glue pennies to the bricks outside, with no luck. i'm going to the play now. my left hand is shaking. 030328 ... . . 120701 what's it to you? who go blather from