booze Soma 2-2 I never liked to drink much. The loss of control after one or two drinks always unsettled us. After all, when we got drunk we got rather handsy. I’d get to touching people, to kissing people. Half of me would be sitting there in my skull wondering with horror what we were doing. The other half was screaming yes. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that must be what it was like normally for people – to not be bothered by touching someone. To not inwardly cringe at the repulsive thought of our flesh touching flesh that was not ours. To not desperately want to go scrub your skin raw when someone lovingly laid their hand on your arm. Some part of me wanted that unbothered feeling to stay. A big part of me was scared of it. Touching people was nice — I mean, at least in those moments it was. It was really nice. Sex wasn’t any more or less interesting, but it was finally tolerable if I was drunk. But finally touching people without panic? It was victory in a tournament I had been fighting for years. I was scared because, if I kept giving up control, maybe I would want to stay that way. Maybe I would never find a me that could touch people without being drunk. I worried about it a little, but I kept drinking. Then I drank more. I drank more and more. I made it cute about liking cocktails and mixing. I could make my life right again. I made it fun about trying out new beers. I could fix what was wrong with me. I was making a lie that was what I wanted to live. I could be normal. I just, needed a little liquid encouragement. That’s all it was. That’s it. It was just a little drink. Just a little drink. My lover took me aside one night, and looked at me with concern. “Why do you always drink when I want to kiss you?” they said. For being partially blind, they always saw so much. I wanted to love them in the way I felt they deserved to be loved. They wanted me to love them in the way I was able to love. That night I left the booze behind, and never looked back again. 240110 what's it to you? who go blather from