|
raze
|
a really cool six year-old girl i met about a week ago.
tonight her class gave a christmas presentation. they shook bells & sang about december lights. some of the children had brief monologues, complete with shy smiles, fluffed lines & laughter. one girl in the choir looked like she was afraid, or maybe "resigned" is a better way to put it, almost as if she had no one in the audience to cheer her on. i wanted her to look over in my direction so she could see that someone was paying attention to her. but she gradually loosened up and started smiling. some of the boys had "this is stupid" looks on their faces, either not bothering to sing any of the words or moving the corners of their mouths every once in a while to create the illusion of singing.
amanda sang all of the words, & she even shushed the girl next to her before one song, "because they don't start until you're quiet".
when the assembly had ended, i gave her flowers. i went to bend down to give them to her at eye-level, but i stepped on the foot of whoever was behind me. she thanked me & smelled them.
then we went to charlie's, where the cappuccino machine is broken & older kids listen to rap in the room that has pool tables. amanda ordered tomato & vegetable soup, but it was too hot, so she asked for an ice cube. her brother [joe] was angry for some reason, but after a while he came over to the table & made a moustache out of an apple sliver. "that was the way it was," he said. "& that's the way the cookie crumbles."
we went to play a game of pool, & amanda wanted to play, too. joe didn't want her to, but i told her she could be my partner. our table had two cue-balls, two seven-balls & no eight-ball. after about two minutes, joe got mad at amanda because she got two turns & started calling her an idiot. she left for a minute, but then she came back & joe tried to hit her with his pool cue. i got between them & blocked his cue with mine, but he grabbed the rake with his other hand. amanda grabbed another pool cue to defend herself. i kept blocking joe with my cue & standing between them, but he came close to scalping her with the rake at least a few times. a twelve year-old boy is stronger than you'd think, especially when he wants to hurt someone. i didn't know what else i could do, aside from using my body as a shield & trying to protect amanda. joe got around me and kicked amanda in the leg. she started crying & ran into the other room.
"she's fine," joe said just before i went after her. "it's just sibling rivalry." he was smiling.
i like kids, but i really wanted to hurt him at that moment. that would have only made things worse, though, & i would never think of doing anything of the sort. they've already been through shit that no one should ever have to experience, no matter what their age. i don't want to add to that. i guess i'm more of an averting force. they should sell the stuff in time-release capsules. "deflection: it's the new valour. be the invisible hero."
more than anything, i think i'm just infuriated by the fact that i couldn't protect amanda. i don't want her to feel threatened. i don't want her brother to try to kill her. i want her to feel special. i want to buy her flowers & make her smile & play her jazz so she can wrinkle her nose & ask what kind of weird music it is.
|
031216
|
