red_shirt kerry me redshirt i'd replace my real name with red shirt if i could because it feels more Me, somehow it shouldnt be so easy for me to say that i remember one morning we sat around in the orchestra room and talked about whether we has Secrets or not. emily and jackie and i. jackie does of course, she is probably full of them. i didnt think emily would have many but she said she does. i couldn't think of any for myself but then i came up with a couple and was almost proud in a weird kind of self-righteous way. ha. i was listening to the cure a minute ago and now it is the shins, and we got let out of school 20 minutes late because of a tornado warning, call me strange but it was so beautiful outside, at first light and sickly on one side of the sky and black on the other, then deep dark gray all over and rain coming down and she said we were safe in the darkroom if it was hailing and if a tornado came in because there were no windows. amber told me tornados would tear through the bricks anyway, and i told her to just tell me there wouldn't be any tornados. so she did and it actually made me feel better. missed james today because of the rain. i had to walk all the way around the building because i didn't want to run around outside and get soaked, the rain was so hard and so cold. then dad picked me up and while we were driving down this steep little hill with a creek right in the middle on either side of the road, i saw monica who is this girl i used to know. she walks home every day and she was sopping wet and grinning and her shoes were dangling from her right hand, she was standing barefoot in the brown water surging up over the curb and i said Maybe we should Pick her Up but dad said Nah she looks so Happy Plus I don't want her in my Car, she's too wet. why does my wrist hurt so much, ergh, why is it always raining right when i am trying to get in shape, why have i started listening to country? weird. weird weird weird. i dreamed audrey and corey and johanna went to the library with me and left me there. and then i went home with this guy philip and we rode in the back of a big truck carrying hay. but there were metal bars over the truckbed where we were to hold the hay in i guess, and we were crouching hiding from the driver, but it was so normal somehow. and in my dream my parents were divorced, and i said I'm Going to my Dad's House! and it was a beachy townhouse, gray, and little kids with sticky faces were running arounD EVERYWHERE. boardwalks were sidewalks criss-crossing every whichway. i want to share all my secrets with everyone but i want to keep them to myself at the same time. i want to say to james "let me get away with not being funny all the time, or having a couple pimples sometimes, would that be ok? let me get away with it, just keep liking me anyway." just because i'm paranoid about everything sometimes, err all the time im always jinxing myself here i go almost spilling things places, i can forgive other people so easily, i don't let myself get away with anything, dammit kerry! slow down! deep breaths, i need a new book to read. i need new thoughts to think. i need to slow this down because its not making any sense even to me anymore. 030506 ... silentbob it has a rusty button that says I 3 Swearing At Motorists 030507 ... raze i've always kind of wanted to have a shirt made that's the colour of this place. on the front, it would say: "do_you_have_words?" and on the back: "no_nevermind_i_have_nothing_to_say." that's it. no web address. no explanation. no one else would ever have any idea what it meant. but i would know. and that would be enough. 230818 what's it to you? who go blather from