its_hard_to_remember nemo hey billy its hard to remember how you smiled. i have forgotten how you held a cigarette, your favorite shirt, your eyes, your voice, the way you looked at her, the way you got drunk and passed out sitting up, how often i had to shoot you up, the way you held a pen, the way you said 'goodbye,' the way your lips moved, your catipillar eyebrows... the dark circles under your eyes you wouldnt believe how hard it is to remember how much you've hurt me or how you left me, or the good times we had. its hard to remember to forget the pain you must have felt all that time, that youre not comming over tomorrow... i will never see your face again. i will never hear your voice or touch your skin. its so hard to remember to forget. its hard to remember to live before you die, its hard to remember that we're alive for the first time, its hard to remember that we're alive for the last time its hard to remember that you were here. I am sorry, I do love you... but my memories are leaving me. Its hard to let go of the pain I'm in, I never want to let go of you. Its hard to remember that I can't join you. 031225 ... nemo billy_mckinney, where did you go? 031225 ... phil oh do I envy you it's hard to remember did we smoke a bowl? is it smokeable? 031225 ... stork daddy it's hard to remember when i stopped feeling as if anyone was watching my life. i used to think if it wasn't all being recorded, a beautiful life was being missed. so i made my life less beautiful to make the waste less real. 031225 ... crimson it's hard to remember it's hard to remember we're alive for the first time it's hard to remember it's hard to remember we're alive for the last time it's hard to remember it's hard to remember to live before you die it'd hard to remember it's hard to remember -Modest Mouse 031227 ... nemo today sucks without you. tomorrow will be the exact same shade of gray. alot of people have been telling me that there is an afterlife... "for death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity" william penn. and lizz said that billy said in one of her dreams "now i can do things that are unimaginable" but the hardest thing to understand is the point of life. if we are just waiting to die.. why are we alive. if there's an afterlife i dont understand why i shouldnt die too.... i dont understand the point of any of this.. if some one as good as him can die i dont understand why my life is worth living... it sort of reminds me of that whole jesus thing. do people ever die just to be with him? 040104 ... nemo the other day at work i started to cry... you know.. i just thought "billy" and then that word could never leave my lips that whole day. all i could think was that some one forgot to tell me that i'd never see you again. ever. that day i looked in your casket, your shoebox, that was the last time i'd ever see your lips, eyelids, fingernails, chin.... and now im crying again. that last night i saw you... why did you make me promise to visit you at work? didnt you know that we love you? 040104 ... reue black clouds no, i can't remember... a silent hole in my mind when i try all i feel is pain... no images or memories, only that vauge dull feeling of burning. translucent sheet over my eyes. i feel scared and frightened. hollow space. dark echoing rooms. 040105 ... phil Even flow. Thoughts arrive like butterflies Oh, he don't know so he chases them away 040116 ... nemo its hard to forget 040204 ... nemo youre not real anymore billy_mckinney, you just live in our minds.. our fading memories. youre nothing to me anymore because i guess i was nothing to you 040224 ... Nikita he chases butterflies away because he realized that he became too weird and he wanted to blend in better with everyone else in his neighborhood 040224 ... nemo its hard to remember the last time i didnt feel so alone... november 30th, maybe? 040308 ... Deathofarose damn drugs 040319 ... nemo your slightly humped back... 040327 ... birdmad whether or not i_used_to_be_somebody 040327 ... mwahaha who_id_like_to_fuck_on_blather 040327 ... nemo its hard to remember the sight of snow on your grave. the rise of earth that wouldnt take its green cover. your once freshly disturbed bed has settled with time and some unwelcomed help from a jaided groundskeeper. sping has taken its toll and left witih the wind, leaving a wake of florishing grass and anxious life over your decaying corpse. at one time our personal memorials were your primary decor, but every single cigarette, lighter, tiny folded note, and quarter that meant everything inside of us, enabling us to hold on for just one more moment, allowing us to embrace our greivances and just not let go... are all gone. only you remain. new presents consisting of plastic flowers, mcdonalds figurines, and a few bluebirds of happiness crown and gaurd you head below. do you remember us? because we certainly remember you... 040625 ... birdmad even worse, is that sometimes it's_hard_to_forget 040626 ... love & hate your hand in mine. It's hard to remember your face so close to mine, when i could feel your breath on my face, your eyes looking deep within mine. The way you used to speak to me, the way you kissed me. It's hard to remember waking up next to you and the love which you once had for me. 040627 ... love & hate and i dont even have a picture, all i have is the ring that you gave me to remember you by. And the piece of tissue paper you wrote on once when you were drunk. It says "Dont ever change, Love Katie". That is all i have of you and the love that is in my heart. 040627 ... anne-girl the being younger, that i existed at 8 or 6 or 10 or 12 or 3 and a half... did it ever really happen, was it a dream? three seconds ago, what was i thinking, where has my memory gone? I get lost in midsentence, what's happening? Has the computer eaten my brain, attention span rotted away? mental blocks... i stare at a problem, know exactly what i have to do and have no idea where to start do I not exist? 050127 what's it to you? who go blather from