dear_mother silent storm you suck! you are such a fucking bitch. i hate you and your holier than thou bible beating attitude. and its always about YOU! you say youre concerned for me but what youre really afraid of is that something will happen to me and youll have to pay off my school loans, oh and grieve for me some too. but really, what will happen to me? oh! i know! maybe, JUST MAYBE, ILL FUCKING BE HAPPY! and why couldnt i talk to sass this morning? because you dont want your "precious few minutes at home to be invaded" by MY "choice of life at the moment." b/c you want gods best for me dont you. yeah well you have a HELL of a way of showing it. and that god, to be so loving he sure is cruel. FUCK YOU! 020702 ... silent storm i hate you 020708 ... silent storm who the hell are you? i dont know anymore. why are you always yelling at me? im not a bad person. you can be angry at someone else and somehow end up venting all your frustrations on me. and it always comes down to either money or my sexuality, if not both. what the hell made you think you could read my journal? you violated my privacy and my trust. "b/c of the lifestyle you have chosen. i wanted to know what you were thinking." well i hope you got your answers. to add insult to injury.. you know you were wrong but you dont care. how can you do something like that and not regret it? why are you so angry at me just because im in love with a woman? why does that matter to you so much? im not asking you do support me or to think that how im living my life is right. i dont even ask you to think that its acceptable. i know that you never will support me and thats ok. but why do you have to be so angry? 020709 ... squint i hope im not butting into a personal thread...but... ~~~~~ hello mother. so you need a psychic to tell you all the blatantly obvious things wrong with me, and how i feel and... I guess you need to read my journal to get it, too. you need to rip it apart afterwards, too. TOO. You need more than I can give you. Its as if I'm not even your child, I am just a person living with you that has to put up with your shit...already emotionally detatched from you. You tell me you hate me, you rip apart my most prized possession, you pull me into this stupid game you havewith your boyfriend...these stupid fights...and if you really wanted to stop this bullshit, you could. you jsut LOVE being the fucking victim, and I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to follow you into this sick pattern. So I'm staying in maryland. Yeah, so what if Dad is an unfit parent? at least I don't have to listen to his insides being screamed at the top of his lungs every week because unlike you, he doesnt fight with his *significant other* because he has some sort of idea of what a healthy relationship is. and his lifestyle...his alcohol...if I don't get in his way and he doesnt get in mine usually things are fine. I dont need a parent for emotional support, I've had to teach myself to be self reliant. It doesnt work allt hat well, if you were out here You could finally see what i feel on the inside reflected on my face. what would you do? slap me because now everyone sees that you failed at being a mother? that your daughter is so twisted that she wants to peel the skin from her face back, that she has to cut up her face and try to get rid of what others think is beauty? I just want them to see I am an ugly thing after all. this is the product. Your fucking pride has always gotten in the way of my emotional health. I ask for help and you just dont want to admit to yourself that i really do need it. as long as you can pretend...well what would you do now? you wouldnt be able to look me in the eyes, in the face...or would you? would you hit me some more, throw me around, kick me, beat me until your anger has subsided....just toss me around physically the way you do emotionally? you've done it all the other times you found my cuts and couldnt pretend you didn't. out of sight out of mind. it just pisses you off when I shove it in your face so you have to deal with me. you are so fucking worried about your image, right? well don't worry about me. all the family and all the family "friends" talk about you and mark...they say you both drink way too fucking much...you always fight when we have company. and my fucking pride is gone anyway. my family is the most embarrassing thing, but its my family and I dont deny it like you do. pretend I'm something special when yous ecretly can't stand me because everyone knows how fucked up I am and it makes you look bad. its always me and not you. and you say its always mark that pulls me into the arguments. you are the one that stays with him. you are the one that watches lifetime on tv and you love watching other women suffer even thought they could get out of their situations if they wanted to. if you really wanted whats best for me....god.... you even admitted it. you love to be a victim. its sick that you are who i have to learn from. and i have to see how unhappy life really is, that my dad has to drink every afternoon and night as soon as hes off work...just so he can stand to live. and i have to listen to him talk about his will constantly and how special i am to be getting one fucking percent more than my brothers in everything. Its like him dying is the best gift he could give me, thats how he makes it sound. but we're not talking about dad... its you... I just hope Ariel fares better than I do. Don't fuck up this time, thats all I want. You screwed me over, don't mess with your other daughter. learn from your fucking mistakes. Love, Jamie. 020709 ... Sailor Jupiter Mother, you had me but I never had you. I wanted you, you didn't want me..... -John Lennon 020709 ... silent storm *hugs squint* 020709 ... squint its so not funny how different and how alike two things can be at the same time. 020709 ... drstrangelove dear mom (&dad) why dont you accept me being gay? [ok bi favoring guys] i would love to have your grandkids but it dont seem to be in the cards. like i said the best i can do is contribute to a sperm bank and you can find a nice female to have kids. oh btw dont expect me to raise them unless i get a lifestyle change and/or a whole lot more money. ok. my boy is also left me (or playing hard to get again). fuck these games. wheres my spaceship... 020710 what's it to you? who go blather from