what_is_left imposter I am an emotional massochist hurt me 030915 ... pobodys nerfect Sorry,but I can't. I don't know you and besides that,you've nothing to me to deserve it. I only seem to say mean things to/about someone(usually guys in my personal experience)after they've been an ignorant prick with me. 030915 ... imposter That. . . is not what I meant. But thank you, I appreciate the effort. Emotional masochism: I enjoy martyring and scrificing myself for others and accepting their pain. This needs to stop. How far does pain go before love? 030915 ... pobodys nerfect In that case,as far as you let it go. If you constantly put your problems second, you'll begin to believe that they aren't important and you won't deal with them when they need to be dealt with. Make time for yourself by setting up a date--with YOU. Then keep it. Use the time to write in a journal, take a walk,have a bubble bath,or whatever relaxes you. You're used to helping others so it might seem selfish at first but if you already know that you need to get away from others' problems,it's your minds way of telling you that you NEED this. NOW. Trust me,I've been there(summer of 2001). 030915 ... imposter Thank you, pobody. One of the wisest things I've heard in a while. I already came to this, but I am still struggling. It is so hard to let go of the pain I put on myself for my own selfish reasons, but I am and it is helping -- so slowly. This is good, this is healthy. I am a flawed and healing martyr, and thankfully I am being helped off my self-made cross. Sometimes the nails stick and burn my flesh, but I am prying out the steel I nailed into myself -- steel that no one else put there. This is me -- not anyone else's fault. Silly boy. Silly brid. Drama. Blech. . . I am getting back to simple. To truth. To comfortable. Thanks, pobody. 030915 ... jane the opposite direction of right 030915 ... imposter Hmmm. . . that's is amazingly profound. Minor epiphany. I don't know if you intended for that, but it doesn't really matter. what is left is the opposite of right Thank you. 030915 ... tortuous emotional massochist something i've heard so much from other people that know me well that i'm starting to believe it. i'm constantly putting myself in the open, setting myself up for pain and anguish. why? i reason stuff out by saying, its worth it. the outcome, but why is it to me? the outcome usually comes with all this pain... like crawling through a barbwire fence to pick one little grape. that grape might be the greatest grape in the world, so sweet and perfect. but is that grape worth ripping yourself through that fence? i believe it is... sacrificing... when it comes down to either me or another... i've always picked the other, and on those rare occasions that i do act selfishly; why do they cause so much trouble? everyone around me thinks i'm a horrible person for doing such a thing, or thinking a certain way. i mean wth?! no matter what i do, who i care about, what i want or don't want, why i do something or not, it all ends the same. i don't think i would nessisarly call myself a martyr like you imposter, but i definatly feel akin to your fretting. hope this came out right, i doubt it all did... sorry for your used up space. 030916 ... imposter You hit the spot. I often feel the same way. I liked your grape metaphor, it is so, so, very true. I am lucky enough to have friends that love me and help me, and I am slowly trying to let go of the pain. And I am. The hardest part for me is to realize that letting go of the pain is not giving up -- not at all, and also that by drawing a line with the pain that I am willing to accept for that "grape," I am not acting selfishly. These two things are very, very hard, but I am getting better. And this is good, because me getting better helps improve my relationships with everyone in my life, because my pain brought them pain. It is strange because I would put their pain upon me, but that would only hurt them more for hurting me, and so I would hurt for hirting them, and then they would hurt more, and so on and so forth. Vicious cycle. But I am breaking that cycle here and now. I need this. And I realize that by not forcing myself to go through that barbed wire, the 'grape' is actually all the more readily attainable because there isn't all this -- excuse me -- bullshit pain and dramatics in between. The object of love, the sweetest grape that has always been worth it, is all the sweeter and easier to pluck because the 'it' that was in the way before really was never there to begin with. Love is not and should not and cannot be connected to pain. No more pain. I am getting back to the basics that I forgot. Back to love and simplicity, back to comfortable from a long while ago. Getting back to spontaneous and walri, and away from fear and control. Back to holding and away from hurting. Back to beautiful and Monterey and away from bowls and scissors. back to lvoe that I found again and away from pain I put on myself. Pain only propagates more pain. I need this for me, and it is good to be doing something for me. Ironically enough, by doing this for me it helps everyone else out to. Ha. Who would have thought? I only hope the page ha been turned soon enough that I can restore that grape to its proper place. is back under the stars 030916 ... imposter And, the space isn't mine, friend. It is all ours. That is, after all, why we're here, correct? : D 030916 ... bandersnatch i personally enjoy the pain of others. i take all that i can. by the same token i am selfish with my pain. i take it all in and roll around in it, and absorb as much as i can and dont share it. why? the only real answer is that i like it. i like needing to cry, wanting to cry, but not letting my self do it. i like the power i have over it when i finally do release it in a slow, controlled manner. 030916 ... niska i'm with bandersnatch. well, i don't try to have control over my pain - i simply never feel any, so that's neither here nor there. but, i do enjoy controlling other people's pain... it's delicious. 030916 ... ashmanzhou is never enough to survive allthe pain abondoning soul burning hating until we cannot live on what is left of who we are abandoning our life of living for return of death see mirrored images stare hollow from slivered glass no more alive than the wall you wish you were dying so slowly crying so long until we cannot stand what is left 030916 ... pobodys nerfect imposter--you're welcome,and good luck in dealing with whatever you're going through. :) 030916 ... nomatter lovin' 031002 ... Piso Mojado but action? what is left but dreams? 040726 ... Deomis when you run out of places to hide? 040727 ... love & hate when everything you love has been taken away from you and you are left on your own? 040728 ... puredream Well certainly not what is right... I tried that direction I'm looking for a new route now... maysbe... circle-upwards/backwards. yeah... cause that's a direction. 040728 ... jane forgiving_our_fathers 070522 what's it to you? who go blather from