forgiving_our_fathers jane how do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever when we were little. maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage or making us nervous, because there never seemed to be any rage there at all. do we forgive our fathers for marrying our mothers, or not marrying our mothers; for divorcing or not divorcing our mothers; and shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness.. shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning or shutting doors, for speaking through walls or never speaking, or never being silent do we forgive our fathers in our time or in theirs, or in their Deaths, say it to them or not saying it if we forgive our fathers, what is left? 050525 ... LS Forgive them. Let go of fear, or hate, or anger or "why". What is left? Not your fear or hate or anger or "why"... 050525 ... stork daddy i don't know his sin. i only know my own. 050531 ... tessa It's too hard. Forgiving him doesn't change anything. It just means that I have to keep forgiving again and again, every moment. I tried, I really did. But I'm not strong enough, or patient enough, or open enough, or I'm too angry or too confused or too tired. 050531 ... Lemon_Soda ...or not ready. Don't force it. Rise above it. 050531 ... dandy by not forgiving others some part of you holds that responsibility for pain against yourself. retrain your body and memory and mind each time the thought of pain caused by father or other to relax into it, not fight to forgive, not fight for resolution, solution, just practice the letting go because the one harmed most by the hardness of heart is the person who doesn't let go. 050531 ... tessa i have realised i am angry for two reasons he never got better. he takes it out on me. and i really do want to be the kind of person who forgives. i want to be open, giving, generous, peaceful and strong. but not about this this one is just too hard 070424 ... fuffle nevermind, theres room for change. 070424 ... unhinged tonglen the wisdom of forgiveness by h.h. the fourteenth dalai lama tenzin gyatso my family has a divide in it. my older two sisters are from my dad's first marriage. me and my brother are from his second. he didn't get to be much a part of my sisters lives except for paying for their private school and stuff like that. so, he was a little overbearing on me and my brother when it came to driving us to orchestra rehearsals and coaching our soccer and lacrosse teams and shit like this. during my undergrad, i realized the full extent of how my father influenced my life and my health and how i interact with people and i was fucking angry. how could he? how could he pass all his shit on me? (but at least my dad cared at all. he had one of those dads from a generation of hands off dads who went to work and then immediately went to the vfw hall to play cards or the bar to drink beer. my grandpa REALLY didn't give a shit about my dad. so he did the 180 of being in and at my shit at all times to the point of getting other guys to come into the firehouse so he could attend our concerts and games and shit like this. he tried. but unfortunately, he didn't escape leaving his fucked up stamp on me and my brother.) i think that's what parents do. either by direct action or absence, they instill part of themselves in their children. at times and in certain situations, i am so much like my father it scares me. and there are good parts and bad parts. my father demanded big things from us. it was 'our job' to get good grades in school and be good at whatever we did because he went to work at at least two jobs to support us and what we did. if he felt like we weren't giving '100% effort' we were sure to hear about it. and sometimes even when we tried our hardest 'that was good BUT....' by the time i was technically an adult, all i ever heard out of my dad's mouth was the 'BUT....' i worked my ass off my entire life just like he asked me to and he wasn't paying a dime for me to go to college as a result and he couldn't back one inch off my shit. (see above aside about my dad's dad.) and i realized that a vast majority of what i was doing with my life was so he wouldn't be disappointed in me. not to make myself happy, just to make him not disappointed. i was never good enough. i had my own little voice in my head that said 'that was good BUT....' i let people walk all over me because i wasn't good enough to stand up for myself anyways. i deserved to be walked on because i wasn't trying hard enough. so i was angry at my dad. he was an asshole. he fucked me up. he wouldn't leave me alone and let me be a fucking adult. but, he tried. he tried very hard my entire life to give me what he didn't have and what he couldn't give to my sisters. my brother is currently very angry at our dad. he dropped a lot of bombs on my parents this winter and my dad's reactions were less than ideal. my dad isn't good with his emotions. my brother told him some shit that no father ever wants to hear their son say. he was just scared. like every dad, either in action or absence, he left pieces of himself with me and my brother. good and bad, some not so good, some really bad; the discipline and work ethic to make me and my brother good at whatever we decide to do. there were good examples in there, like working at least two jobs to give your kids all the opportunities in the world. i forgave my dad. even my sister that refused to speak to him for years has forgiven him. i hope my brother will too. i think he will. around 21, i think everyone gets pissed off at their parents. he tried the best way he knew how. can't blame him for that. 070424 ... sameolme I'm still in the process of forgiving him. He's been dead for 8 years, so he hasn't been reminding me of why I despised him for a long time now.I am letting go, but it ain't easy. But yes, I forgive his sorry ass. 070424 what's it to you? who go blather from