like_a_stone celestias shadow without a doubt the greatest guitar solo on the radio right now. tom morello is a god. 030723 ... Death of a Rose complete agreement. And Chris Cornell is god's vocal buddy. 031015 ... unhinged i left him a note on the coffee table next to the couch we slept on together for a month the last morning that i left there. i've been doing that since high school; leaving people notes that inspired me or changed me. i've been hoping that i could actually tell them, but it's a battle for me. all the things i can write down so freely get clammed up when i try to let them out of my mouth. i told him in the note how much he had changed my life. that was almost six months ago....and in the note i left him a few songs; songs that felt like me and him to me. like_a_stone by audioslave was one of them. and then when i moved back home i listened to the radio every night while i tried to fall asleep and while i was trying to fall asleep it would come on or while i was driving down the street with my mom or i would wake up in the middle of the night hearing it; it was hard enough learning how to fall asleep again without him. and he told me he downloaded it and a_rush_of_blood_to_the_head and amsterdam and he would drive around and listen to them. now, this is the hardest song for me to listen to. because i can't wait for him anymore. can't wait for him to grow up and decide to stay clean; can't wait for him to decide that now is the right time for me to be in his life. so now i'm like_a_stone that you throw through the window. and i'm about ready to pick up the shattered glass and revert to old self_tortures. i needed you too. but where were you? *shrugs* i'm all alone but i'm not waiting anymore 031015 ... lovers lament rocky and i weren't speaking. we had just started emailing each other when this song came out. it made me think of him. esp. the last verse. so i emailed him the lyrics with the last verse in bold and apologized for all the things i'd done. for all that i'd blessed and wronged. he emailed me back and told me how much he missed me and loved me. how he couldn't stand not waking up next to me, wasn't the same when i wasn't around. he said he just felt like putting a gun to his head. so i emailed him back telling him how much i loved and missed him, and how i wanted to see him. i don't know if he ever even read that email. i called him and went to his house, but his car was gone and the dogs didn't come to the door so i thought he took them for a ride. how was i supposed to know that his car had been stolen the night before? how was i supposed to know that the dogs were locked in the bedroom? how could i have known that 10 feet away from me, just through that bathroom window he laid dead in his own fucking bathtub?! how the fuck was i supposed to know? i knew when beth called me at work, i knew what she was going to say. all she said was my name and i knew. i said beth, please don't tell me right now, i don't want to know yet. i wanted to be able to go on thinking even for just five more minutes that i might see rocky again. she said, i'm sorry, i have to tell you. rocky's dead. it broke me. it's still breaking me. every day i think i'm all right until i come across something of his, or until some song comes on the radio. when here without you by 3 doors down came out, i broke down crying. 2 weeks later i went to the hospital. i took a razor to my arm, but not like before. it was about an inch deep...i was high by the time i got to the hospital on blood loss alone. 16 stitches. i wish i could be with you rocky, but i can't leave like that. i'm not angry at you for leaving though. you had it a lot harder than i ever did. so now i will try and have the life you wanted for me. away from the coke. a real life. i miss you so much it's like a fresh knife wound. no cut could even compare or dull the pain i feel each day without you. and yes, time heals all wounds, but this is gonna leave one hell of a scar. please, if you're with me, don't ever let me feel that way about anyone again. i want my love for you to still be pure when we're someday together again. and take of our baby wherever the two of you are. maybe someday we can spend an eternity together as a real family. i can't tell you how much more i regret killing our child now that you're gone. i wonder if he/she would've been like you, had your eyes or your hair. your smile. oh god, rocky i miss you so fucking much! how can i live when i'm no longer whole? you took such a huge part of my heart and soul with you, and i feel so empty and lost now. we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. i remember the day you proposed, i was so amazed. it was so unlike you, i had no idea what to think. you actually admitted that you needed me when you'd never needed anyone before. we listened to INXS two worlds collided like 20 times in a row, and i cried cuz i was so happy. we just sat there for hours and you held me. i was so fucking happy, i've never been that happy. and now i'm so scared i'm never going to feel those things again. and i don't really want to if you're not the reason i feel them. i'm going so insane without you baby. i love you. i haven't watched House of Yes since you died. i don't know why you loved that movie so much. you made me let you keep it everytime we split up cuz you said parker posey reminded you of me. we could sit there and go through the whole dialogue for that movie without even having it on. it just sits on my dresser now cuz i know if i watch it i'll lose whatever grip on sanity i have here. 'i'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave cuz your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase....... i've tried so hard to tell myself your gone but though you're still with me i've been alone all along' i always loved you. i always will. 031102 what's it to you? who go blather from