it_has_to_be_said 2 1/2 wise cracks Musings I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just asses. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big penis or huge breasts. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more f***ed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "F*** 'em if they can't take a joke," in 6 languages. Children's Books That Didn't Make It Writer: Anonymous 1)You Are Different And That's Bad 2)The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3)Dad's New Wife Robert 4)Fun Four-letter Words To Know And Share 5)Hammers, Screwdrivers And Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book 6)The Kid's Guide To Hitchhiking 7)Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8)Curious George And The High-Voltage Fence 9)All Cats Go To Hell 10)The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11)Some Kittens Can Fly 12)That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption 13)Grandpa Gets A Casket 14)The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator 15)Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16)The Pop-up Book Of Human Anatomy 17)Strangers Have The Best Candy 18)Whining, Kicking And Crying To Get Your Way(Author: Kris) 19)You Were An Accident(Author: Aubrey's Parents) 20)Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21)Pop! Goes The Hamster And Other Great Microwave Games 22)The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan 23)Your Nightmares Are Real 24)Where Would You Like To Be Buried? 25)Eggs, Toilet Paper, And Your School 26)Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27)Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28)Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Actual Answering Machine Answers My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. Leave a message. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Hi. Now you say something. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Oh, man... Just in case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."(And that would be how...?) On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(But it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert(printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."(Too late!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(As night follows the day...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."(But wouldn't this save some time?) On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(One would hope.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."(Talk about a newsflash.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Step 3: Fly Delta.) On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?) 010209 ... CinnamonGirl you said it all 010605 what's it to you? who go blather from