on_february_eighth_at_nine_o_clock magicforest This was the first time at work that I needed to press the panic button...and couldn't. Fuck the endo. I am renewed with joy and optimism for my life and my self and the people who are kind to me. Also, fuck anyone who comes into a store and tries to scare the shit out of the girl at the counter. Endo-filled I defeated you, and time and time I can and will defeat my demons again. I will live forever. 040209 ... magicforest Things hurt. New lows tell me that I should have prepared myself for this long before. Things end. My endo pains are shuddering through my body and I am here At home I can lie in the floor and ask my dog to help But I have to brace my arms against the counter and tell my customers that I didn’t like it either From where they are I am so cute so everything and such an everything From where I am I can see the top of his head peeking out and sometimes I think he’s real before I see it’s just a poster and a bad one, he’s a bad actor Things end. They’ll end with him too, I don’t want them to but they have already because I have some sort of drive to incarcerate myself. My dog pads in softly and looks at me with curious eyes I have finally taken too much and I’m drifting now but the pain is still there Endo doesn’t end, it keeps coming back Books and their rhetoric laugh silently My printer has been broken for a while and my mother expects me to fix it Only it’s the cartridge My pretty coworker comes in and tells me I look really nice today and what did I dress up for I didn’t though or even think about it, just put it on mechanically My only motivation being comfort in my endo Safe inside my endo Two men came in and tipped over a rack and call me a dyke and ask me how I want it and I try to run to press the panic button but in doing so I let go of the counter and the endo pain is too bad and I can’t support my weight and I fall and they think I have ducked and they will run out Which means I have to leave my counter and pick up the movies spilled on the floor At home I can crawl I know who they are which is just harmless and they were drunk so I don’t make the call At home my mother says did you walk the dog? yes. I did. I really did. But she doesn’t believe me so I have to take her again Things end. So I sit here typing to no one and start to cry because my shoes are so lonely by the door and I think that I want somebody to be really kind to me and dust me off and don’t be honest with me for just a night, just tell me what I want to hear and leave my hands inside your pockets where they are warm and small and. Just and. If you look carefully you will see how fragile I really am I want to saturate myself in your rivers And let them wash my blood away Safe in a clean endo I will be new again. This time I will know to close my eyes and trust in the fall. 040209 ... magicforest "I who have always believed too much in words." -w.s.merwin 040209 ... magicforest soul on fire la da da da la da da da la da da da da da 040209 ... magicforest LAMELLA are the fluid bound bridges. You are my fluid bound bridge. And that is precisely why you make me so twitterpated when I see you. It's grotesque and marvellous and vintage. I am a commoner compared to your rubies and your bejeweled mines. I have to GO GO GO! 040209 ... Doar hmm.... 040209 ... me i love you. 040209 ... magicforest I have been told that I am loved. Also doar says hm. Here are the ones I have known, truly known: Michael (grade one-two) Jonathan (grade three) Bryan (grade four-five) Jordan (grade six) David (grade seven) Damien (grade eight) Jacob (grade eight) David (grade nine) Damien (grade nine) Christopher (grade nine) Amil (grade ten) Damien (grade ten) Dorian (grade eleven) Marx (grade eleven) It’s a year later from the last one and I wonder who they are who truly know me. Then I meet some people I know for an instant or only in word and I don’t wonder at all. 040209 ... magicforest Caviar is an ethical argument. I’m searching for something to take my womb and make it bear fruit and implement my destiny as a girl and dare I say the word woman? Yet at the same time I am so lush and so fertile I want to be kept away from that forest. I remember a drawing my mother made of her naked body that awed and horrified me, the space between her legs indicated with, “This space is where a loving man will one day enter with passion and love.” and then on and on about the chakrahs and all I could think was, let me never be like that. Let me never go on spiritually flapping my wings. I am so different in all my views. Birth scares me. I don’t want something to grow inside me. But then I know everything changes. It was the same when I had the fear of being touched before a boy touched my hair first and then my face and then so forth and downwards. We live in a private publicity and it was good when I pulled him closer and showed him exactly how he was making me feel. He was the only boy I did that to voluntarily and the only boy I let do it back. After that was another boy and I was weak and bowed my head in submission and made it work, but I was unhappy and frightened and didn’t want to, and ended up never doing it again and feeling better that way. 040209 ... grendel AM: pondered if there was any good way to ride out the caffeine withdrawal headache i had woken up with, sorted laundry and did a tiny bit of housecleaning PM: pondered cats parked and sleeping in the confines of my freshly folded laundry, drank more caffeine, smoked cigarette, listened a couple of CD's and felt hollow and almost disembodied 040209 ... magicforest You know, grendel, I don't know you at all, or if you're an alter ego, I don't know you sort of. But this is what is known as a personal blathe, where rather than going off in great detail about the actual title of the blathe I use this as my private home for my dull and unoriginal thought. By no means am I suggesting you leave. All I suggest is that you make your entire subject matter me and my writing, so other blatherskites who visit this won't be confused by the variance of narration. Thanks! If there's any problem with this, you can contact Management. is joking, hi grendel, see, joke, ha-ha 040209 what's it to you? who go blather from