emotionally_unavailable trixie am i? i feel like if enough people claim they can see through me that it must be true. they say i need to be set free, that im not myself. ill die alone. but, i do feel like myself... thats the thing. i mean, im just hermitty by nature but it's not like i never get out... i went party hopping last night and came home after dawn... does that sound reclusive? seriously, am i that person? am i fucked? am i? if im not then why do they tell me these things? why did he say that he saw me being incredibly successful and rich and powerful... but alone in my wealth and sitting alone, with my dog, on my bed in my pjs watching tv and eating crap food... i was scared at how earily accurate that was... and not for the future, for now. i said he must have been spying on me. how could anyone know that i sit on my bed to watch tv and that im more blanche than stella and like dim light? how could he? and how could he know that i have a sinking feeling that im sterile and that ill die of ovarian cancer, or maybe i already have. how could he have known the most intimate thing about me? my fear of reproducing. the fear of giving birth to myself. i dont want another me. how? why did he say my ovaries were damaged? how could he have known that my sexuality slips so far away from me, i don't even know where it is. how could he see my oravies? how could he know that i go months without a period and go even further without being a person. successful and alone. how could he have known? how could he have seen that? im personable, im fun, im me, im sarah. whats the deal? am i that thin? is my skin fucking clear? why was he calling me on not living and not thriving when thats all i want to do? cant he see that ive left my deluded career alone? thats why i was out last night... to live. to chill with my friends. he said that unless i make a change ill never be in love, that i push people away... i dont understand that because being close to someone is my deepest desire and hope for anything. that my career can fuck itself just to be close to someone, intimate, once. what the hell is wrong with me? why do people keep saying this shit to me? why am i emotionally unavailable when im the one who hunkers down and studies emotion and doesnt fear it and knows about life and humanity. why am i emotionally unavailable to people? why arent people close to me? why is the only time i see people looking at me is when im playing a freakin character? im more than just entertainment. why am i this way? why am i emotionally unavailable? why am i still a virgin? why isn't jon in my life? why am i here? why am i an actor? why were my parents so quick to send me away to new york? why am i always sick? what happened to me and why cant i remember it? why cant i remember? what is it? where is it? why is it my fault? what am i becoming? where am i going? what was it? what happened? what happened? what happened? why do people say this to me? whos life am i living? who was i? who was i? who was i? certain people. who was i? this isnt the first time. ive been here before. what was it? help me. please. 030615 ... endless desire you know yourself better than anyone. don't give other people the ability to control you like that. no one should have that power over you. shouldn't you be the one to decide what you seek and want? and, my dear, obviously you are not transparent if what he is saying is wrong. if you were transparent he would be right. this boy certainly doesn't seem to be one hundred percent right about you so don't worry about it. you know who you are. don't let someone convince you that you don't. ((haha i like pretending i know what i am doing in life)) 030615 ... god yep. 030616 ... trixie ya okay, word. im with you, just freaking out yesterday. lack of sleep maybe i dont know. i talked to him again too and his take on me had changed so that told me a lot. thanks. 030616 ... god sleep is for CREEPS. i bet ted turner sleeps. 030616 ... girl_jane Well, Kevin...*ahem*...Dad...I guess I'll talk to you later... 031112 ... shivers no, im not lieing. im just not feeling nething at the moment 031112 ... ...mon coeur c*est putain nope... my emotions will drop their pants and take it with a smile at pretty much the slightest provocation 031112 ... girl_jane "So, yeah, he would be able to provide the physical part of a relationship...but not the emotional or spiritual part..." "So it's no good to have a crush on him right...?" "Right." 031113 ... oldephebe you know it's kinda paradoxical and vexating..the messages a young man gets growing up. Momma says there's my little man..he doesn't cry when he's hurt 'cause he's my strong little man. Father says men don't hug or waste time with a lot of words. Men are judged by their actions. A man makes his stand with his hands. His peers tell him..don't be a punk and get all whiney and talkative..that's fugazi. His professors inculcate him with the elegant and disassociative expediency of the rational architectures of manhood, mastery over emotions. The dialogue of reason. The primacy of deconstruction and distance over emotional entanglements. His coaches tell him to suck it up and dig down and go through. Pain is growth. Silent, stoic endurance is strenth, steel being sutured into the mantle of young adulthood..channel those surging spumes of testosterone into turnig your body into the hardest fastest thing you've ever dreamed. Calm down son and focus. Not to mention all the messages we get as boys, youths and teenagers from media. Yeah so sometimes it's hard to reconcile the two..verbal..or emotional vs. the physical diachotomy..it sucks 031113 ... p2 hi the person you are trying to reach is emotionally_unavailable at the moment please leave a message after the beep 031113 ... Death of a Rose bloody bleeping answering machines.....arrrrggg... *beep* yes....it's me...call me......hope you haven't lost my number.... i'll be home tonight waiting for your call.....let me know your still alive.. *beep* 031113 ... Context Death (you are=you're) cojoined 031113 ... Syrope hello. you've reached manda. she's emotionally_unavailable at the moment. please leave an opinion and she'll care (or not give a shit) later. 040315 what's it to you? who go blather from