you_don_t_look_good Farool Well, I'm not good. But I'm better than before. Summary of the past twelve hours: Sit on the computer waiting for mon amie or Chez to come online. Talked with my brother's girlfriend's cousin, she's really cool. She's the same age as my brother and goes to the same school. I made a new friend. Give or take an hour of playing Halflife2 but minimizing every minute to see if you were there. You get there. We talk. I lose. You lose. I'm reduced to the sobbing crying, that hasn't happened since the night my parents caught me trying to cut myself. I feel a little sorry for my brother, he had to listen to me cry through the thin walls. 'Mon amie, don't leave me behind' and 'This isn't fucking right' are the two lines I use as I cry. Stop crying. Start crying. Stop crying. The Last Waltz comes on, it starts all over again. I'm finally done at about eleven thirty. Rationality gives way to emotional logic, which isn't logical. I grab my coat. I grab my shoes. I put the shoes on the window sill, and crawl out. Bare feet on the wet shingles scare the bajeezus out of me. Lose feeling in three toes. Put on my shoes while crawling. Jump. Fall. I land on my ass. Ungraceful. Painful, and loud. Try to sneak around out back, but the truth is I'm still hiccuping and I'm wearing the closest shoes, which happened to be snow boots. No socks. Street light. Street light. Star light. Moon light. I take a little minuteish long cry on the curb of the street corner. It's midnight. Walk, while shivering, to your house. Set off about three automatic driveway lights, scaring you each time. Stand in the culdesac. See your window. Try to summon the courage to do something. Anything. Think for a long time. Throwing rocks at windows might be a bad idea, but do I fucking care? It's just a piece of gravel. It should wake her up. What should I say? Mon amie, please, don't leave me behind. Lose spine, wander. Walk to Hoover. Steetlights blur with tears. Walk behind Hoover. Look for the cinder block little structure. It's not there. Fuck. What's the nearest brick wall? What do I do now? My feet on the wet sawdust and the sinking sucking brings back memories. What the fuck is wrong with me? Where's Gary? Fuck. Lap Hoover twice. Not a single brick wall. Damnit. Settle for piece of flat wood paneling. Run at the wall. My body is smarter than me, I tripped into the wall. Thud. Fuck. I felt that. No running start now. Just rythmically punching the wall. Right hand. Pull your hand back farther each time. Hit harder each time. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Crack. Jesusfuckingchrist. That hurt. While I'm shaking out my hand I think about you. I cry over you. I didn't draw blood. I punch like a girl. Walk back up towards your house. Take a different route than normal. Immaculate Machine. I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to fight. Anymore. I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay, but I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to plead. Anymore. And those nights just kept turning to days and nothing ever seemed to change, and it was just that impossible way you had of making everything seem so strange. So strange. I had no way around, I had no way around, the tide had crossed my path. I knew that I was trapped, and I was wrong. So I just had to jump, I just had to jump, I had no other choice. A scream replaced my voice, in the sea. And your eyes just kept turning away, distracted every single time by words someone else had to say, more important to you, it seems so strange. So strange. No way out. No way out. Backed up against that wall where there's no way out, no way out, and nothing left to do but kick and scream and shout. No way out. No way out. Backed up against that wall where there's no way out, no way out, and nothing left to do but kick and scream and shout. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to go, I didn't want to stay with nothing left to say anymore I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to sleep, but I couldn't stay awake. I couldn't even make it to bed. And your eyes just kept turning away, distracted every single time, by words someone else had to say, more important to you, it seems so strange. So strange. No way out. No way out. Backed up against that wall where there's no way out, no way out, and nothing left to do but kick and scream and shout. No way out. No way out. Backed up against that wall where there's no way out, no way out, and nothing left to do but kick and scream and shout. And your eyes just kept turning away. And yout nights just kept turning to days. And there was nothing more to say. No way out. No way out. Backed up against that wall where there's no way out, no way out, and nothing left to do but kick and scream and shout. And your eyes just kept turning away. No way out. No way out. Backed up against that wall where there's no way out, no way out, and nothing left to do but kick and scream and shout. And your eyes just kept turning away. And there was nothing more to say. Stand in the culdesac again. Talk to yourself out loud. 'Je t'aime mon amie, je t'aime toujours. I love you. I love you so much Kendra. We'll fix this.' Walk away. Corner of the street, meet two college kids having a smoke. Talk to them. People are interesting. Third college kid comes. They love folk music. One of them has a good band. They did a show with Some by Sea. They like Jets to Brazil. They like to fly fish. 'Hey man, what time is it?' It's one fifty. One fifty. Crawl back into your window. Forget your shoe on the fence. Cry yourself to sleep. Dream. Wake up. Eat breakfast. Tell mom that I feel shitty. Sleep. Wake up. Try to go back to sleep. You can't. Kick yourself for running from your problems. Write a blathe without a fixed point of view, not for awesomeness, but because you're tired. There you go, mon amie. I'm a little more relaxed now. I've made it pretty fucking clear that I think this is a bad idea, and I'm sorry for that. Trying to help you. It's beyond my grasp. Truth be told, I am powerless. I've accepted that. I understand that I can't do anything. I'm still worried though. But I won't bother you with my worry anymore. You don't need anymore strife in your life. Fuck, my eyes are tearing up. One last thing before I go. Mon amie, 'je t'aime, okay?' isn't okay. I know that you love me. I hope you know that I love you. But we don't need to add anything to that. We can fix this. We will fix this. Please. Mon amie, please don't leave me behind. 060104 ... ░ ░░░░░░ ░ ░░░░░░ 101005 what's it to you? who go blather from