minute_letters4 kerry will and i were walking around outside, stopping to buy arden's garden juice and sit in magnolia trees, we were talking about the exorcist, and about cellphones and other things i can't remember. we were hopping up on the porches of abandoned houses and cutting our feet on the splintered wood, we were stopping at his house for band-aids, and he was walking me back to the square so i could go home for dinner. and it was starting to rain even though the sky was so bright, at 6:30 p.m., people running for cover and we pulled two chairs under an umbrella at starbuck's and the water drops were staining my cheap [probably fake] leather bag which i bought for $1.50 from the thrift store. and after dinner he was calling me and picking me up and we were driving around, walking around on the golf course, "i just know a golf ball is going to hit me in the head" "everyone gets hit by a golf ball at some point in their life" "yah i guess" "you could probably make up some really bad metaphor for life from what i just said" "haha. yeah. ahem. the golf balls could represent the obstacles one must overcome to be successful on the road of life." "yeah, or the golf balls represent random good or bad luck that comes into your life and changes the way things happen..." and he goes off on a tangent about getting hit by an egg when you come out your front door wearing a suit, and piles for Dirty, Trashy, and Nice clothes, and having nothing to wear but a tux, and yatta yatta yatta. and he completely loses me. we are swinging on the swings. we are calling daniel and we are driving to Drum Circle. Drum Circle is every the first and third saturday nights of the month. it is held on a land trust sort of close to my house, between my street and where downtown starts to begin. it is mainly run by a bunch of hippies, and it is people with drums sitting around a bonfire, just beating, sometimes some guys with flutes, and women dancing, and the smell of marijuana, and some little kids growing up on all of this, and people sitting on picnic tables just listening, and it's wonderful. when we got there the fire hadn't really started up yet. it was probably 9:45 or so. we just walked around these loopy twisty paths and ended up by a pond, sitting, talking about i dont even remember, and listening to these huge frogs croaking in the dark. he said they are the size of footballs. they make a sound like an unoiled metal gate creaking, deep and groaning and grating, but it's calming somehow, because the crickets are so loud, and also i can hear rustling in the grass and i don't know what it is until Will tells me they have a few emu's walking around. when we come back up to the main circle, it is much bigger. we sit on a wooden table and just stare and listen, these women are doing dances around the fire something fluid in their gauzy skirts dogs are walking around lapping everything up chilling by the bonfire and daniel and john are beating some drums in the circle looking so engrossed almost zoned out like robots amanda and danny appear we come down to be closer to them but there's nowhere to sit so we end up lying down on some wood planks near the circle, he takes off his glasses and i am counting stars, i count 18. we are just friends. we are just friends. we are just friends. we are just friends. we are just friends. we are just friends. amanda and danny started dancing by the fire, much later, about 10:50 or so. they grooved closer and closer and closer till they were one person working hips tying me up in knots i wanted to write so bad john [silly boy] is skanking by the fire for a bit, trying to teach amanda, and it's cute. and will has a drum now, and i'm watching the sexy tamborine man, he's got tight bellbottoms and a short ringer tshirt, some lanky cowboy stuck in a timewarp another woman sits so incredibly straight but her eyelids are slanted half-mast, she beats this huge drum with the palm of her hand maybe once every four seconds and is always off-beat, and i wonder how stoned she is. when we had gone down to the pond someone had just been smoking, we had smelled it walking down the trail and then walked into the cloud of it at the base, and (how sad this is to admit) the smell (which i happen to love) reminded me immediately of james. and just thinking about him there listening to the frogs, will telling me a bit about a story he wrote about a boy falling off a red mountain, i was thinking james would love Drum Circle. "wow!" he'd say, drinking from his Nalgene bottle. i'd say something like, "you like it?" and he'd do that thing where he kind of chuckles, and then squints, and nods his head saying, "yeahhh, i like it." ldfkl;flnndflkjflk;jalka stop it kerry!!!!! 030720 ... kerry P.S. last night i dreamt that jackie got home finally. (this is her 6th week of being away.) she had cut off most of her hair and was wering the sweater i gave her for christmas two years ago. it was the kind of dream i have often, where i am cut and bent at the waist, and can't stand up straight so i am falling face-first to the ground. yeah. so i was tipping over, and crying, but trying to cover my face. and she was saying, "kerry? why are you crying? don't cry." but i was happy. just sobbing. she helped me stand up and she hugged me for a long time. 030720 ... kerry she looked at me like i was some kind of leper for not knowing about the LATEST anime flick.... yeah so im officially uncool but i already knew that? right? what's wrong with being a grouch..... portrait of a room... letters re-read twice and three times glue mirrors tape in the bed day-old sheets Man Ray book open to pages 94-95 purse w/ camera and extra lens spilling out resubscribe? headphones and scissors? this bed these cuts this chair still sways some bad music to write along with some mirrors reflecting only photographs some bottles holding incense i'm here fast-forward replay, avoid sleep, doodling around freckles it was 12:41 a.m. technically 7/21/03 put your words on hold, because people are sleeping. but i can't stand to wait. i'll wash the ink off my face eventually. today i saw a billboard and did the usual mental roundabouts, how would i describe it, how would it reflect what i the author thuoght of it, how i could show and not tell. why why why?? too loopy. i draw doodles around every idea until they're hidden. i go in circles until the point i'm trying to prove is no longer valid. avoiding phonecalls, avoiding confessions. dont pour out your heart to me. i'll listen to the same song over and over. i trudged home early last night. i felt stuck to everything. there was a strange smell in the air. the sky was violet. i'm not used to dancing and drums. i miss the smoke of my childhood. i miss the simplicity. i wish i could view everything with my wide-angle lens. look in your journal... that is your philosophy. and in the mirror, that is your geography. what will i do with these letters, these minute letters. Hi, I miss you. 030721 ... kerry in light of recent situations... the following AIM conversation: me: so um max: yes? me: do you like... hate will or something me: maybe that was a bad way of asking max: uh, not really me: ok max: why me: i dunno me: you guys seemed um me: kind of edgy... at lunch.. towards each other max: oh? i dunno max: i'm probably really not giving you what you want with these single-word responses, sorry me: well me: its ok me: you can't elaborate at all on anything?? max: well it seems like you're skirting around saying something with these questions max: i'd prefer that you just ask what you want to know directly me: i dont have a specific question max: well it just seems like you're thinking something and not saying it me: well actually i guess it could be a specific question, so i'll turn it into one me: did you notice a sense of awkwardness, yesterday max: you didn't seem to be very, i dunno, not happy, but you seemed kind of withdrawn max: and will always seems nervous to me max: not outwardly max: but like, trying to hide that fact me: i meant like with the whole group me: but i know what you mean max: well johanna seemed to be kind of in her own world half the time max: same with john max: and will was being really relentless with you and that seemed to make you withdrawn and made me feel awkward me: relentless with me? how do you mean? max : will doesn't really have limits max : i dunno max : he's kind of...i dunno max : he's kind of obnoxious sometimes max : and i want to say "hey, that's obnoxious, stop" max : but i'm not going to max : so in order to not say that, i kind of withdraw me: no but what did you mean, relentless, whatever it was that made you feel awkward max : him hitting on you like all the damn time me: oh max : and i mean...i dunno. he doesn't know when to stop, or that's the impression i get me: he's always like that, i mean he hits on everyone...or every girl, you know... max : not to that extent max : but, you know, i kind of have more conservative notions of stuff like that sometimes me: to be completely honest, i didnt know it was that bad. i mean he has been worse max : well, like, i wouldn't be so...forward? max : direct? me: oh me: neither would i max : it just makes me feel sleazy watching him max : he's so absorbed in himself and his efforts max : that he doesn't seem to care much for what anybody's reactions to him might be max : like, i would've gauged your reactions to mean "leave me the hell alone, i don't feel like it" max : although i could've been just as wrong me: well me: i guess i am used to him being that way me: so max : see, i'm not usually around him when he's like that me: i didnt really notice to what extent he was... flirting? i guess... because i just ignore it. max : usually i'm just hanging out with him in class me: yeah max : well it was like, obsessive. i feel like he does it out of insecurity max : like, almost just to say "hey look, i can do this. i can hit on girls all the time. aren't i cool." max : like he's trying to prove that to himself max : i think that he does lots of stuff out of a need to prove his self-worth to himself max : because maybe his dad was never very impressed with him max : but god don't tell him that max : but after having lots of experience with him and his family max : he's very insecure, so he's got to prove himself every waking second max : prove that he's the best musician, prove that all the girls love him, prove that he's the coolest, prove that he dresses the coolest, prove that the bands he likes are the most indie max : that's really what bothers me about him. it makes me feel bad. max : it makes me want to say "you're a good guy! you don't have to constantly do this! relax!" max : but i didn't want to say all of that because it's kind of mean max : but i just did max : jesus that was a lot to take in me: kind of me: yeah max : but his parents i think kind of ignored his efforts to gain attention because his dad was really busy max : and that caused that and a lot of other stuff max : like how he constantly put me down until like 9th grade max : because it made him feel better about himself max : he's kind of stopped that max : but he used to incessantly make fun of me and provoke me max : which is the "history" i've referred to me: oh, right max : and in 9th grade i realized that i was bigger than him and didn't have to take it, so i said i'd do something if he didn't quit, and he realized i was right me: do something, like what max : like as in fight him max : i was really going to me: what????? max : really me: are you serious?? max : it was that bad back then max : well he'd dealt me my share of abuse max : physically as well, i mean max : like i said, it was bad me: physically, seriously, like what max : we fought verbally almost every time we saw each other max : no, he'd trip me up, throw stuff at me max : nothing serious max : but aggravating me: why didn't you just do it back max : because i'm not that kind of guy, i don't need revenge max : i just wanted him to stop max : and that was the only way max : even my mom agreed me: but isn't fighting him, some form of revenge? max : and i pretty much respect her opinion more than anybody's me: your mom wanted you to fight him??? max : i'm telling you, it was bad max : not a day went by when we didn't argue max : and we couldn't share friends max : but we had all the same friends me: wait, so how does that work max : and i knew he'd back down if i threatened him max : see, i knew he wouldn't fight me max : i knew he wouldn't actually do it me: why not? me: how did you know? max : because he knew that i was bigger max : will hates losing max : he would rather never fight max : and that's what happened, isn't it? max : see, he would have to admit defeat if we fought max : this way, he could make an excuse max : that's another thing, he's able to excuse anything. there's always an excuse max : see, he's not like this anymore though max : he's grown a lot max : but his insecurities are never really fully going to be fixed, i doubt max : he's a really really complicated guy max : and i really really like him max : but it's hard to like him max : he's got a kind of porcupine personality - you want to like him, but he makes it difficult for you, you know? me: yeah......i do know what you mean max : like you were saying the other day max : feeling bad about what everybody says max : i feel bad about it, too. he's really a good guy and he just wants to be loved max : and he wants to love himself. that's why he seeks attention so viciously max : and he really fought me because he was jealous of me, as cocky as that sounds max : not really jealous of me max : but jealous of the attention i got max : you know, i was a freaking teacher's pet max : still am, to a degree max : and he hated that i got that attention max : stuff like that max : this all makes me sound like a total asshole, i realize max : but, you're the first person i've ever explained this to max : i usually talk about this stuff with my mom max : keep my opinions to myself max : you've opened pandora's box, haha me: apparently i have max : more like pandora's mouth. god, i can tlak max : okay, you say stuff now me: what should i say? max : i don't know. do you think i'm a jerk now? me: no me: you're not a jerk max : just self-righteous? me: but you did just completely analyze who he his me: no, not self-righteous max : yeah max : and i could be way off base max : probably am max : i don't really know why i told you all that max : jesus, why did i me: i think maybe it just kind of came tumbling out max : yeah...with you under it all me: its alright max : um, so now that you're done with somebody else's session max : that'll be 50 bucks max : haha me: ha max : and see, i think about all that when i see him max : when i see him do stuff like htat me: i am sort of at a loss for words max : so, it makes me feel weird me: stuff, like what max : like when he's hitting on girls ceaselessly or pandering for attention any other way max : it makes me feel bad me: bad for yourself? bad for him? max : plus there's the element of jealousy when it comes to you max : bad for him for having to deal with that max : and i feel guilty for not saying anything me: me??? max : you??? me: ughghhghhg max : wait me: what max : i think maybe you read that wrong max : there's the element of me being jealous max : when he's hitting on you max : or maybe that provoked "ugghhghug" me: no, i understood max : i dunno max : oh, okay max : sorry then me: don't be me: its just me: uh me: i dont know max : oh yes you do me: no, i don't max : oh fine max : it's fine if you just don't like me max : that's cool max : you can say that max : or if that makes you feel weird max : i'm not like, enamored or anything max : i won't pine max : as fun as pining sounds max : or maybe i just wanted to say pine in reference to the verb max : but that's okay cause now i'm doing that thing where i talk too much when i get nervous me: i like you, as a person. so don't go off thinking that i think you're weird, or lame, or anything else. and i never said you weren't enamored. but honestly, i cannot see myself being anything more than friends with either of you me: there is NO REASON to be nervous max : yeah, that's fine me: oh shit me: wait wait me: * i never said you WERE enamored me: eeks max : haha max : i didn't even notice me: ok, good. ha. i read over it and was like, "!!!! i'm a bitch." me: but me: yeah me: um max : it's fine me: at lunch, that was yesterday right, max : i think? maybe me: that was the most awkward couple of hours, ever max : yeah, that was yesterday me: for a few different reasons max : more than this? me: more than what? max : jesus, that's a complicated situation max : me and will liking you and then me feeling weird about will and you feeling weird about both of us me: i don't feel weird about either of you individually though me: it was just me: here me: let me explain me: at taco mac, with just johanna and john and i, we started talking about all you guys. and john, as it turns out, can't stand will. 5 minutes later, will calls me, and basically invites himself along. so he shows up. and then i remembered you sounding frustrated with will, so i was like, SHIT. and then you came. and then it all went downhill really quickly from there. me: with everyone, together, there, i mean me: thats why it went downhill... not because of you max : oh, well, don't worry, i actually figured will was gonna jump in me: it was because of the combined... umm... i dont know. just because of that particular group me: you did, why? max : it's like, he has really intense personal gravity max : he can't stand not being in a group if there is one me: you're right max : well at least i didn't come with flowers. that would've been awkward max : i should write for sitcoms max : cause that would've been funny me: also i felt bad because i think john feels left out around all you people me: ha... maybe its best you didnt max : yeah, i mean, i wasn't goingto max : i was saying, that would be funny me: no, i know max : okay max : it's hard to detect sarcasm on the internet max : so i always double check max : john's cool me: ha, yea me: yes he is max : i kind of was into my own thoughts at the moment me: but he feels awkward sometimes max : i could tell me: and me: he hates will me: he thinks will is "a dick" me: but dont say anything, i mean... well not that you would me: ok forget that max : okay me: and then i was like, "i'm sorry john. will is coming." and he seemed kind of pissed. me: anyway me: yeah me: so me: anything you want to ask me? me: or anything you want to say? max : i always had a bit of a crush on you, nothing more, so don't worry max : just the kind that makes your throat kind of knot up. real teenage-y stuff me: ha, i really don't get that, but ok max : what do you mean/ me: i dont know me: i dont get why you would me: but thanks for telling me max : oh pishposh max : you're cute and nice and because you're kind of shy/quiet seeming sometimes, that gives you a sort of...feeling max : it's like the converse of the "strong and silent" thing for guys me: wow, thank you. max : well you know max : it's twue me: ha me: well i'm going now me: any last words for the evening? me: in light of the current discussion,that is max : um, sorry for being a dork and you're a grand ol' gal in other news, i found an orange kitten in the bushes. it didnt have a tail. 030722 ... kerry nothing-a-do... i don't want to call anyone. i don't have any more pictures i want to print. there's nothing on TV. it rained a little while ago... i sit in the den and watch the deck steam in the new heat. i am a white girl. i am in high school still. my hair naturally changes from blond to red from year to year. i am 5'3". i'm not going to grow any taller. i weigh 115 lb. i like to listen to mazzy star because i like hope sandoval's voice. i like to bury my face in my dog's fur. i wear my brother's old boxers as shorts and i sew up the fly with crazy-colored thread. apparently i come off as shy or unfriendly when i really just like to listen to people. my walls are turquoise. i hide old letters in a large trunk in the corner of my room. i also have been known to hide alcohol in that trunk on a couple occasions. i don't have a problem lying to my parents, yet i have a problem when they don't trust me. i tend to be hypocritical. i write because i don't know what else to do. i make prints and process film when i don't feel like talking to people. i find myself drawn to people with intense personalities but i am never happy in most relationships, romantic or otherwise. i'd be less nervous about fucking someone than i would about just kissing them. i used to love concerts but i don't so much anymore because i always feel sad for some reason when i go to them. i don't know what to do myself when people are giving me a lot of attention. i know how to drive now. i am rarely over-confident. i have a healthy level of self-esteem. i have never been fat. i have never had any cavities. i have smoked pot but never been very stoned--only experienced hunger and a funny feeling in the head. i am fair-skinned. i love my family but they don't always know it. sometimes i think i would trade in the new friends i have for cool friends at school because i think i'd be happier that way. i bite my nails but not out of anxiety, out of boredom. i'm not sheltered or religious. i'm a vegetarian but i eat fish. i'm allergic to cats. i want to go to college because i don't want to stay here. you don't have to tell me i'm just like any other teenage girl, because i know i am. my friends tell me i am the cynical one of our group. sometimes i resent them saying that and other times i just know it's true. i love mcdonald's fries. i have a tendency to be nostalgic. people freak me out. i don't feel misunderstood;i feel as if i am misunderstanding everyone else. spiders are beautiful in my eyes. i just want to be with someone who i can be quiet with. rain helps me fall asleep. i love to go camping. i love it out west. i love seattle. most poetry makes me feel itchy and impatient. i like cheesy 80s pop music. i can't sing or dance. i play soccer. sometimes i feel more comfortable around strangers than people i know. most girls make me feel masculine. i think i'm pretty straight. most guys make me feel very fragile. mosquitos love me. little kids don't. i like to make necklaces out of hemp. i love the smell of marijuana. i love the smell of basil. i used to eat nothing but potatos and macaroni and cheese as a kid. i still eat a lot of the same stuff that i did when i was little. i feel at home in the woods. i love autumn. i love blather. i love to write. making lists is easy. 030723 ... kerry what did i do today, i slept late yawning jaw-cracking and twisting till 11:30 and caught the last half-hour of dawson's creek, because i can't really process anything more complex than that when i have just woken up. i ate a popsicle. i put color film in my camera, neglected to use it. i walked my dog around the ravine by our house, and my sandal was eaten by a thick, mucky patch of wet cement-sand in the sidewalk. i watched a dog in a window put its paw through a windowscreen to get to me and my dog. i ate a veggie taco and watched Girl, Interrupted. i rotted my brain in front of the tv. i complained to myself about having nothing to do. i talked to nathalie and kasey on the phone; i was on speakerphone and they tried to visualize me appearing in the room. i... started to make a mixtape. i wondered where everyone was going and why it's such a big deal to be home all day. 030723 ... kerry jackie is coming home today and i miss her insanely. i've talked to her on the phone... she says she doesn't want to come home and i am envious, i want to be somewhere else and be perfectly content there. last night as i was pulling my shoes out of my closet, i was struck with a strong "what am i DOING?!" feeling. what i was Literally doing was getting dressed to go to a play with Will. he had an extra ticket and invited me to go. we drove around for about an hour before just looking at graffiti and stuff, and the light at 6:30 pm in July is beautiful and all i wanted to do the whole time was write about it. we went into a this tall structure that was either (i think it's a) granary or a smokestack. and there were little windows at the top, so high that when i looked up i was dizzy for a moment. but the feeling i described a moment ago... it was strange. it felt like i was doing something wrong. too adult, or something. i felt as if maybe i was going on a date. but last night WASNT a date. and now sometimes i wonder if i have ever been on a date. i dont know if a date has to be specified before it takes place or not. maybe the "date-ness" or something has to just be Understood, mutually. and if That's true, then i Still have no idea if i've ever been on a date. sometimes, in quiet places or during somber times, i wonder what would happen if i screamed at the top of my lungs for no reason. 030726 ... kerry i want to burn down everything sometimes. i want to trap some things in still softness and look at them hazy forever. i want all darkness to be familiar and all light to be radiant and foreign and beautiful. i want the ducks to come live on my shores. i want desperately to love my hips, to love my waist, my chest. i want a million Mason Jars full of immortal fireflies in my backyard. i want to know what to do. i want a higher SAT score. i want everything to be mutual. i never want happiness to be boring. i want to eat watermelon at 10:30 pm every night for the rest of my life and never get sick of it. i want colors to change constantly. i want a longer attention span. i want to be patient and i want to be accepting. i want to sleep easy, no worries. i want to not want. no weather in my dreams. no weather like this! the impefect sky, the imperfect rumble of thunder like a laugh that slid so easy over the mountains and had them in its echoing shell. i was thinking i couldnt decide whose life i'd fallen into, 'cos it didnt feel like mine. there was a band in my head, it was DMB and it kept on as we cut up the water. headscarf got sucked into the wind and still i felt like a celebrity unshowered shivering in July and watching kids swing into the lake. and i can't explain why. this afternoon looking into the dense islands trees cropping up and a gray house ghost-ish on a hill and overgrown, it was beautiful. everything was unexplored... i could sit back and just watch and still feel somehow as if everything belonged to me. there was no one else. there was the boat and the 4 of us, and the rest of the world was abandoned. left in gray half-awareness, and everything belonged to me. we watched the moonvines uncurl on the porch, when it was still light out. like petticoats or origami. crisp white with greenish tints on the star, and on the stamens. everything precise, everything paperthin. i always felt while talking to you as if we were somehow strung or webbed together. the air was sticky between us. yuor voice hung in space for me to hear turning it over in my head, replaying, i can make it louder or softer i can slow it down i can inhale it and suck on it like it's smoke. if i could i would roll it in paper make cigaretets and puff on those all day. 030731 ... kerry NOTE TO SELF download the following: 5/4, punk, sound check, slow country (all by the gorillaz) (because brad says to) (and why not?) remember the glowing pink ice left over from johanna's italian soda. (raspberry.) driving towards a purple sky. [sea turtles, we are.] "let me pull into this dead-end street. turn around." "you're a good driver." "i wish my mom felt that way. ha ha." "let's go this way. no that way. no, wait. no. Just Drive." eating samosas at the farmer's market. losing $16, falling right out of my pocket. pink rice. 030805 ... kerry also: brad wants really badly to get me stoned. and i dont know why. 030805 ... kerry pink ice, pink rice. hahahaha. ok, enough. no more blathing for me. 030805 ... kerry this morning i woke up and wanted to take a stroll along the ravine smoking my pipe and mellowing out. instead i called jackie and then went over to her house. we ended up on the roof, burning and burning ripples glide through the trees there was a slight wind, we were behind the chimney, we were unconvinced. burning and burning and burning repacking restating then gradually losing touch eyes glazed and trying to focus on one thing but couldnt, i lost track of my hands, i was waking up over and over and over a hundred times over, everytime not knowing where i was. at one point saying, "i just dont want to be up here anymore on this roof. i just want to be home all of a sudden." talking nonsense. scenery diluted and flooding everything suddenly everything was bright and shiny and i couldnt remember anything that i was saying how did we start talking about this? well... what are we talking about? you just said... um, what did you just say? what did I just say? why am i on the roof?????! and then it was taking maybe ten minutes with the pipe in my hand before i'd take a hit. because i'd start laughing and blabbering and forget it was in my hand. and she would say, "hurry up!" and i'd say, "ok ok" but it still took a few more minutes. and it took me about 15 minutes to get off the roof, because i was so afraid. i was so paranoid. she said, "jump! i'll count. on the count of three, jump." and i said, "ok, thanks." and then she just said, "go!" "count!" "what??" i dont remember the 2nd english muffin. i was running around because i was paranoid about cars in the driveway. everytime i went back in the dining room she had another one. but she only had too, really. we were almost fighting like an old married couple, in a loving yet frustrated way. it was a good morning. 030808 ... kerry school's begun. school's begun and i'm waking up a different time every morning and scratching my head every whichway and trying not to sleep until evening. trying not to fall away during math. during latin. school's begun and it feels as if i were never gone. school's begun and i miss will. school's begun and i haven't seen daniel in forever. school's begun and james is everywhere. and he's talking about katie making me want to turn into the floor. he and brad are talking about hash so loud so that everyone can hear them and say "have you smoked hash? what is it like?" as if anyone actually cares. school's begun and i've forgotten everything. i've forgotten latin and math and i've forgotten what it was like when i was "with" james whatever was it like, whatever was it like to feel that comfortable? school's begun and it's stressful but i'm not stressed. school's begun and i would trade in everyone and everything. school's begun and no one matters, no one i thought i wanted to see, and my heels are scraped raw from new soccer cleats and i have 2 hours of reading every night and i can't decide on a concentration for AP art, and i'm complaining as usual. school's begun, the complaints never stop. school's begun and that's a complaint in itself. anna_began, where are you? 030813 ... kerry "in my room invisible eternal golden flowers drop on my head as i sleep, they drop everywhere, they are Ste. Terese's roses showering and pouring everywhere on the heads of the world-- even the shufflers and madcaps, even the snarling winos in alleys, even the bleating mice still in my attic a thousand miles and six thousand feet up in Desolation, even on the least her roses shower, perpetually--We all know that in our sleep." The faces! last night i was dreaming there were dead animals everywhere that a boy i knew had to put in stacked plastic boxes, like shoe-racks, and then pour ash all over, and make some sort of caste, and i dont know what happened to them after that. but there were hawks and eagles and dogs and mice and squirrels, and a million other kinds of animals. and there was this rat that was running around with glowing neon eyes and i knew that if i screamed someone would come catch it and put it in one of those boxes. so i screamed and i screamed and i screamed and soon it became hard for me to scream, and no one came, i poured some Snapple in a bottlecap for it to drink so i could catch it while it was unaware, (ha.HA!!)and i was watching it slurp up the drink but i could never find something to catch it with because i didnt want to do it with my bare hands. when i was watching it, it turned its back to me, and thick black wings appeared, and it had turned into a crow. walked everywhere after school. missed every bus. didnt have tokens anyway. we ate burritos and walked about a mile in 90 degree heat, ended up pants-rolled-up, shiny-noses sitting in McDonald's at a booth not ordering anything, just watching the old ladies get their cheeseburgers and titter and laugh on their side of the room. there's will, with john, driving by on their way to get water balloons. they think we're weird now. they don't stop to talk. jackie and i talk about religion a lot. i dont think we'd ever talk about it if we were religious. jackie told me all about Duke Ellington. her shoe started falling apart so we walked to CVS to buy duct tape, my toes are hurting, my head is hurting i dont want to think about anyone i dont want to walk ever again, we sit outside wait for a ride and continue endlessly talking the way we do words never stop, the end of every sentence is only the beginning of another one. we talked about james. we talked about brad. we talked about everything all over again. tonight jo and ellen and i picked up daniel and went to allie's house. i don't like allie all that much. for various reasons. one is that she is Perfect. another is that she knows it. another is that she is basically President of the I-Heart-Will fanclub. (if there was one.) "i wanta hear what's in the bottom of your mind." 030816 ... kerry last night talking to you it wasnt anything that felt real the way i was confessing so much, she says we are so alike it is scary, and apparently i am so much like john too, it is kind of funny to relate to boys better than girls and still feel so disconnected from them. the following in a fighting struggling high-pitched whisper.... [[[[ellen says lui will sell her shrooms if i will do them with her]]]] [[[i could ask exposure_boy to tell me how to make them in tea so i don't have to eat them and vomit everywhere]]] [[i dont know if i have the money]] [but only if she won't tell anyone] i dont know if i should. i want to, god yes i want to. my mother told me about a time in college she and her friend ate some shrooms together and then drove themselves to a concert, and stood in the balcony, and she said she was swinging around the railing leaning over everywhere feeling sick, and that didn't sound very pleasant. and dad said when he did them there was no effect, just a lot of illness in the stomach. will said you have to have like a whole free day because they are so unpredictable and sometimes they last for a long time. lui said the ceiling was moving!!! he said, she said... yatta-yatta-yatta..... "--if you live through this with me i swear that i will die for you--" it's kind of funny. the coast is clear. i should be diving in all at once, no second thoughts. i was waiting to. and now i can't. there's only so many ways to explain sideways glances, helpless shrugs. if i were hiding away in some other country eating foreign fruits and trying to forget, i couldn't. you have too much control. when we are in the car at a certain time of day and the light goes hand-in-hand with the music and i look at you (and you know i'm looking at you) and i put my elbow out the window or try to grab clumps of breeze in my hand, we are flying. goodbyes are brisk and casual. i always want to thank you but i dont know what i'd thank you for. i can't tell you i'd thank you for taking me out on the road and making me think i'm weightless, or making me feel like the prettiest little woman with an easier smile. whenever you are there im older and i'm smoother and i'm tipping like an hourglass and i'm clean no matter what. i feel beautiful like the stained windshield soaking up the gold flecks of light we didnt know where there. this summer i drowned in indefinable tunes echoing on the undersides of bridges and graffiti marring the scenic drive, was swept up by bats swooping and cutting across distant warehouses in july and august heat, i melted in plush car seats and watched the tvs flicker in the nursing home windows. i was consumed by cakes and clementines before i had a chance to consume them, gabbed and scribbled to MYSELF and felt better every night, was able to forget. was able to live in present tense. to be myself almost. danny and i discuss a lot of things now. we discuss emily a lot. she was an outline of a girl her whole life, felt unloved and neglected no one bothered to color in her lines. she floated in and out of rooms, into her car where she came to meet us and we laughed and talked like we knew her. when it grew late she went home. she got into her car and pulled away, and she didnt exist until we saw her the next time. she was never really there, it seemed, in the first place. she still isn't. this is pretty cruel-sounding. it's nice to talk to danny about stuff though. sometimes late at night after i've talked to him i like to imagine it is the weekend and we are sitting on a dusty stone floor, crosslegged and talking into the trees. sometimes it feels as if we wake up to 2 different skies. we go to school and we sit around and feel mismatched and we talk later about things i've never known were in my head, and there's something about such an exchange of words, so honest and sharp and still healing thats almost like... i dont know how to finish. 030819 ... kerry i was listening to pete yorn covering springsteen and thinking about last night driving around in robbie's car with its motel-smell and will in the front seat and me in the back just laughing and watching houselights smear across the windows. and sitting on the couch at the icecream place with them on either side and robbie says, "are you wearing makeup?" and i say, "nope." and he sighs and says, "GOOD." he keeps stroking my head really hard and i'm laughing about it because he's so funny. will says, "will you stop doing that!" "i like girls' hair," robbie explains to me. i'm still chuckling. "okay." we walk through the woods it's only 9:30 but its pitch-black out, and all of us in a line we hold hands we know we're going to trip over the little wooden bridge and fall into the creek otherwise. we swing, robbie talks about his ex-girlfriend. this morning i'm sitting here now listening to veruca salt and wondering if everyone had fun at the concert last night, and about to call someone, anyone. and knowing i have to do homework, a LOT OF IT, and despite all the work and the fact that today-is-sunday-means-tomorrow's-monday-means-school, i was hit with this enormously warm feeling and i realized that just BEING, last night, i liked everything so much, i like my life more than i did two days ago, i can't explain why because it's so entirely internal that i could never fully put it into words. 030824 ... kerry i come on blather and first thing enters my mind as i view the recent page is what...the...fuck.... someone explain all the numbers to me please? "hey man i am all about that artistic merit shit." as he would say. it was cool to call nathalie and talk with her about religion. that is one subject that seems to become the main topic of many conversations i have with nearly everyone, at least once with each person i talk to regularly. it is kind of funny because i consider myself very.. unreligious. not anti-, just un-. i used to go to church but now i think i would hate to do that more than anything. mostly it is just cos i dont want to go sit around and listen to some guy telling me what i am doing wrong with my life and trying to relate ancient stories to ME, or US, trying to get me to see the hidden messages in the bible and learn from every little thing and tell me not to sin because otherwise i will not go to heaven kind of makes me want to write my own bible and also religion is hereditary. it is apparently not in my blood. i talk with jackie about religion. and i talk with will about what religion does to some people. and i talked once about religion at lunch with some people i normally have little respect for, and was surprised to find that quite a few of them share some of my ideas and stuff which was cool, and i was also surprised to find that one of them thought an atheist was someone who hated god. and i wanted to say you could probably call someone who hates god a satanist, not an atheist, and now i think she's a real idiot. but i can forget about that.. tried to watch The Pianist this morning. if anyone reading this has seen that movie, tell me, cos i couldnt finish it. it made me too sad and i had to turn it off. i am starting to wonder if that was a bad idea because i want to see the rest, but i know that it will make me so depressed probably and i will end up not being able to sleep thinking about it. because that is what happens. listening to 'sincerely, me' by Better than Ezra. thinking about yellow butterflies and the betta fish i bought today. he is beautiful-- silver, teal, lavendar, deep purple, red, blue. when i was driving home my brother was holding the little cup he was swimming in, i was driving to the record store so my brother could get something and there are these really wretched speedbumps in that parking lot that sloshed the water everywhere, and the poor little fishy was so freaked out he was shitting everywhere and twisting all frantically. but he is still in his cup on the kitchen windowsill right now while the water in his new bowl warms to room temperature. and i took some mancala stones and put them in there, and this old pink pagoda i had for my last fish, and it glitters and shines and is round and perfect. i will put him in my room and watch him glide. he is beautiful. maybe it is beta, not betta. i dont know. i think it is beta. thought about will a lot today. he is easy to draw from memory. i drew a picture of the side of his face in my latin notebook because the shapes are so nice. tiny nose that dips in and comes up at the tip, wide eyes, semi-wide lips. and hair kind of like peter pan. his face is so basic and so simple and so pleasant. at the grocery store in the checkout line i was watching this guy bag groceries, and he is always there, i guess he works fulltime. he looks to be european maybe, and kind of sleazy and greasy. but it made me think i would just like to find an honest, down-to-earth guy. i dont necessarily want a swanky Harvard intellectual who knows all about french films, or someone who wears especially nice clothes, and i dont want some guy who's really into sports and watching television and drinking. just someone who is smart and knows that he doesnt have to analyze me to find out what will make me happy and what won't, and someone who has ideas and things they plan on doing. and someone who realizes that it is better to be so honest about himself even if it will hurt me, rather than trying to make things seem less important than they are and hide behind excuses. 030830 ... kerry also, last night when i was driving the van with my dad, coming home from jo's house, we were listening to joni mitchell. the album was Clouds and the song was "songs to aging children come" which reminds me of my childhood, but really anything by joni mitchell brings on an intense feeling of nostalgia for me. anyway, that song was playing when i was driving down my street with the ravine on the right side and no streetlights anywhere. it sounds kind of weird and stupid almost but that song reminds me of my dreams. or it makes me feel like i am dreaming. it is not a sweet-dreamy kind of song, it is an almost-sad kind of lingering drippy song, that makes me feel like things are not real and just moving mechanically because of my subconcious, all trying to tell me something about whats going on with and around me. i dont know if anyone else thinks all their dreams have a certain mood or tone no matter if they are good or bad, but mine definitely do. and i think that song perfectly defines all of my dreams. 030830 ... kerry no dates no dates!!!** im choking on the phone i want to go with you but i have so much shit left sitting on my floor screaming at me, "fix me! fix me! finish me!" (this is homework calling, this is the rest of my piece for AP Art) im doing a juxtaposition project for AP by the way. i'm "juxtaposing" a bra with a greek bust of the goddess Thalia. i think it's greek. anyway it's a stone bust. or marble. what the hell, i obviously don't know what i'm talking about do i. anyway there's a bra draped over her head and i find it quite humorous. it's in charcoal and it's not finished, i have to do a background, i have to finish the surface she's on, i have to clean up her hair, i have to study, do math homework, i have to revel in the fact that i'm ahead of the AP US reading assignments, i have to pull up my grade in math, i'm failing by the way. it was a bad day at school. today i was walking and it was like i wasn't breathing or blinking but looking through a lens the entire time. at lunch i sat and laughed at nearly everything because for some reason today even though school sucked everything was funny somehow. from the mysterious green sticky stuff in the art room to my latin teacher's serious singing drills to AP US when all of us mentally-constipated ap kids frantically run around the room with our graded essays saying, "what did you get??? what did you get??? oh my gawd!!!!" it was all funny to me. 030902 ... kerry we ate lunch in the rain today. james and jackie and vail and i, and some random others. first it was sprinkling. all the girls touched their hair and said, "ungh, let's go inside. anyone else want to go inside?" no one says anything so they shut up and sit down. 5 minutes later, "let's go inside. hey, will you come inside with me?" so all of them stand up at once and leave. we sit there and as the rain gets steadily harder and harder i start to think it would have been a good idea to leave when they did. we are standing under trees and laughing and vail is tapping people saying "tag you're it" and no one is doing anything. finally we run to the breezeway and get soaked on the way. 030903 ... kerry we ate lunch in the rain today. james and jackie and vail and i, and some random others. first it was sprinkling. all the girls touched their hair and said, "ungh, let's go inside. anyone else want to go inside?" no one says anything so they shut up and sit down. 5 minutes later, "let's go inside. hey, will you come inside with me?" so all of them stand up at once and leave. we sit there and as the rain gets steadily harder and harder i start to think it would have been a good idea to leave when they did. we are standing under trees and laughing and vail is tapping people saying "tag you're it" and no one is doing anything. finally we run to the breezeway and get soaked on the way. 030903 ... kerry we ate lunch in the rain today. james and jackie and vail and i, and some random others. first it was sprinkling. all the girls touched their hair and said, "ungh, let's go inside. anyone else want to go inside?" no one says anything so they shut up and sit down. 5 minutes later, "let's go inside. hey, will you come inside with me?" so all of them stand up at once and leave. we sit there and as the rain gets steadily harder and harder i start to think it would have been a good idea to leave when they did. we are standing under trees and laughing and vail is tapping people saying "tag you're it" and no one is doing anything. finally we run to the breezeway and get soaked on the way. 030903 ... kerry um, whoops 030904 ... kerry the song "cellophane" its been forever since i've heard it and it has a certain melody that brings forward all these images of this week and i dont know why lauren she is throwing up at practice and she looks dead cheeks blotched flushed scarlett and the rest of her pale and gray-tinted i'm sitting in class trying to drag equations out of the test paper squinting at it and rubbing furiously my mechanical pencil against the corner of the desk. a centimeter-deep indention has been made into the plastic from this incessant rubbing. i can't stand to talk to james things are getting better though. jackie says i am the female version of danny and james combined. today at jackie's after school audrey and jo and mkt and i were sitting around the sunroom talking about what each of us would be like as a guy. haha. here's me: name, Aaron. dark hair, dark eyes. stubble always. knit cap, never drives always rides his bike. very, very quiet. the "strong and silent" type. the whole laid-back thing going on. it's weird to think about. when i was walking home i was wondering what this aaron character would be doing at that moment, while i trudged along, rewinding the film in my camera. a man on a bicycle rode by with no hands, a bouquet of flowers in his backpack. sometimes my brain freezes. the other day in AP US when i was taking lecture notes i wrote "sitty' instead of city. argh. will called me about an hour ago. he asked what i wanted to do tonight. i told him jo's having a movie marathon and i want to go and he said it sounded fun. he told me at 9ish a bunch of people are going to some Tech parties. frat parties i assume. 9ish? isn't that kind of early? frat parties? nah.. weird. he said "they're supposed to be good parties." "funny you say that. i've heard exactly the opposite." jackie said if i go she will be a little bit annoyed with me. she said that because it doesnt seem like something i would like to do and if i give in and decide to go just to be agreeable, which IS something i would do, then i will just be submitting and not standing up for myself. the most horrible thing would be to run into jessie's brother at a ga tech party. i can only imagine what he would tell her. i have known him forever. i will watch Neverending Story and Boondock Saints with jo and co. haha. 030905 ... kerry last night i was looking around the room for my clothes. it turned out my mother had come in and taken most of them and dumped them in the washing machine. this was the source of a gnawing lingering headache, because they were all clean, and my pajamas were gone. i am thinking of just telling her not to come in my room anymore, ever. so i fell asleep and dreamed that i was standing next to my bed, had just taken the sheets and comforter off, and was wanting to go to bed. "but there's no sheets on the bed. how am i supposed to sleep in a bed with no sheets???" producing whiny frustratedness. whininess i keep inside my head lips clamped i would hate to let that out. my inner whining. 030906 ... kerry i want to be in texas eating softscoop ice cream on Thanksgiving. or yawn and feel sleepy on a balcony in a German flat in the rain. i wonder why no one is every buried facedown? do people expect to see anything through the soil, or is it symbolic, too sad to see someone facedown in a casket suffocating in satin? dont want to do mescaline with him. i'm afraid it would be like dreams where he's intense in my face asking questions and etc. wonder what made him talk to me today. where can i get what i want? i'll just sit here and play with this Orangina cap and we'll listen to Beta Band chase grasshoppers around QT. this wasn't meant to be, i can tell. i'm tired i'm waiting i'm asleep in your car even though i hear my voice responding when you poke me joke me and all. hey i just realized in 40 years i'll remember sloucing in these blue plush seats. i'll remember looking at graffiti in the granary. these things are important to me. i guess i'll just curl up sometime listen to sleepy music and pretend i'm sitting on some rooftop or just walking around my town wondering when or if i'll ever get out. cos thats what we do and what we did saturday, eating pasta, later sitting on the roof, we watched the Jungle Book with jo and you i remember you put your hand on my shoulder and pulled me into you and i could feel your ribs in my arm the way your body was twisted against the arm of the couch. it was kind of nice but i felt inconsiderate being near to you around anyone else. 030908 ... kerry honestly, i feel that i should take this time to tell you how i feel about this because it's not good to keep these things bottled up inside. it's always a good idea to put things out in the open, let them evolve. this may be shocking to you and may change the dynamics of our relationship a little bit, but i feel as if you should know my true feelings. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou!!!!!!!!! fuck you! fuck! you! (collapses on bed out of breath) fuck you! 030909 ... kerry if the people in my house weren't so fucking loud and inconsiderate in the evenings i would go ahead and get in bed and drift away though it's only 10 till 10 i couldnt sleep last night, *lightbulb* why didnt i just get on blather?? instead i tossed and turned then got up and ate chips and sourcream consistently for 30 min while reading Desolation Angels and then went to bed again, couldnt sleep, took out my frustrations on my comforter when i ripped it from under the mattress and bit it and pulled but couldnt rip it so it ultimately ended up a gray crumpled mass at the foot of my bed. HA! then my knees still wouldnt stop hurting, i think i got this from my mother where it is a steady harsh pain in the calves and/or knees and/or ankles while trying to go to sleep, so you are moving and kicking constantly and twitching and NOT SLEEPING. so i kicked and whined silently for a while. then found a cd and listened to it until the headphones began to hurt my ears, so i threw that furiously onto my comforter and felt a bit better, but couldnt fall asleep. SO, i went into my parents' medicine cabinet and found some sleeping pills. and i was out 20 min. later. rowrrrrr!!!! i slept in AP Art today, but only for a moment. i was sitting on the green couch my legs propped up on one of the metal stools while Jo was next to me working on her juxtaposition project. (David in Drag) listening to her cd, Ben Folds Five, and my eyes fell closed i didnt even try to keep them open. then it occured to me just as i was nearly gone that i had procrastinated for about 2 days straight and if my teacher found me sleeping she probably wouldn't be very happy with me. especially since i have been consistently lazy since the first week of school. i tried to open my eyes and found it a difficult task. when they were finally open i couldnt focus on anything. so, so, tired. exhausted. everything was blurry and i felt like i was stoned, i just wanted to go to bed. just wanted to curl up somewhere. called will today. i dont know if we're going to the concert friday or no. i dont want to spend money on a band that probably would be shitty live. gosh i just want to sit in a park with him. can't we just sit on some benches and stare at the sky? why does he always feel the need to be Doing something? why dont we just stretch out somewhere and smell the leaves and kiss or something? why can't we just do Nothing together? 030909 ... kerry danny: nah there are just a lot of infant gods and they come up over the clouds a little and so scared and everything but they dunno we are scared of them too and they sorta on pins and needles because of that. danny: and they try their best because it always seems like children try harder than adults. danny: and they feel more when you should feel more. 030918 what's it to you? who go blather from