excuses ajara help 020729 ... belly fire And in her I see another. Maybe that's why I don't visit or return calls. Because it's almost as though, because of her, I don't have to. 020729 ... raze i'm wondering: at what point do you start to question the validity of someone's excuses and consider maybe not having anything to do with them anymore? i'm thinking after dubious excuse #72 it starts to get a little dicey. 161121 ... kerry 20 pages in front of me, paragraphs and sentences and lists written on different days, in different years, in different lives. it is much harder than it used to be and i am desperate for an explanation. why can't i look at a screen or a blank sheet of paper for more than a few minutes at a time, where is the fluency, why is writing like squeezing blood from a stone? it used to be like breathing, like walking, which i also used to do easily and without any wobble. over the past ten years several neurologists have encouraged me to look into brain surgery. it requires a lot of testing, a lot of uncomfortable, miserable testing and many long, boring days in the hospital. i did the first round last winter, and was there when 2021 slid into 2022. i spent about a week in bed. they took me off my meds to induce seizures in hopes of locating their source. the nurses were cool, as epilepsy nurses tend to be (i don't know why this is). they said i was an easy patient. the woman with the caribbean accent who woke me up each morning to get my breakfast order was sweet and perky. she called me "miss" and "love." i ate a lot of bacon, a lot of cheerios. drank a lot of weak coffee. here at home, i periodically scan the document sent to me by the neuropsychologist who, several weeks after the hospital stay, sat across the table from me in a tiny sterile room and asked me to do memory tests, puzzles, word games, for hours. "she reported difficulties with memory and word-finding since 2012. memory cues are not helpful. she has mild attentional issues, and trouble filtering out noises." aha! difficulties with word-finding and attentional issues--there we go. filtering out noises; maybe this includes noises in my own brain? another couple weeks passed before i got my results. when the neuropsychiatrist explained the test results to me--and she didn't provide much explanation, just said i was "quite intelligent but had trouble focusing"--she also said that what is in this document lays out, essentially, what i have to lose. "based upon a word-reading task, estimated premorbid intellectual functional was above average (96th percentile). current measured intellectual abilities were High Average. verbal intellectual abilities were Superior (93rd percentile) while nonverbal intellectual abilities were Average, a difference that is both statistically significant and rare." i look up the definition of "premorbid" to make sure my understanding is correct, which it is. before disease or illness, according to the dictionary. so the reason i often feel slower, sluggish, half-aware, that is not from depression or laziness or occasional hopelessness. my functioning has indeed degraded. it is slight, perhaps, but it is real. "fine motor speed and dexterity was low average in the dominant hand and average in the non-dominant hand." i close my laptop and rest my head on the yellow formica table and shut my eyes. i am exhausted, totally exhausted. this is what i've got to work with. i am off-kilter, wading through mud, distracted. this is what i have to accept if i continue to call myself a writer. 220829 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Virtual waves of encouragement, from someone who isn't in the same boat, but a similar boat. And fair winds to everyone bobbing along this lake of ambitions, dreams, delights, and disappointments. I also find myself wondering sometimes if I'm using my problems as excuses. And other times if I haven't really accepted them. There's SOME desirable balance where one accepts limitations but doesn't give them too much weight - I think - but I haven't been able to get there, not consciously. But maybe that's it. Maybe when I don't consciously think about things the balance is achieved. I don't know. I don't even know if I'm being clear. But I wanted you to know that a lot of what you said resonated with me, even if I can't completely know what thing are like for you. 220829 ... e_o_i (specifically, I relate WAY TOO MUCH to people telling me I'm smart with words but have trouble focusing) 220829 what's it to you? who go blather from