farmfish in thee places you never expect. in thee time you thought was accounted for. 020517
tourist Inside our MINDS
Inside our HEARTS
Insid our Best Intentions
grendel in my mirror. 020518
chaos everywhere 020518
sabbie i always wanted to get those three words tattooed somewhere. 020518
misstree i was queen of the world, once.

many of my thought tangents start out like that. we'll ignore its objective veracity if you don't mind, and merely accept that that was very much my perception. plenty of stories of the life and times of royalty are debris in this sea.

but it wasn't the nobility i did it foir; it was to bring all these people together in a single court, so see a Grand Dance and know that it would not be without me. parties were my children.

so now i'm stuck in corntown. that's fine, i have reasons for being here, and recently said no to a chance to flee. so here i am. and, ambitious and occasionally fearless little shit that i am, i'm determined to make something out of this town. there used to be a goth scene. there isn't any more.

but i'm getting ahead of myself. beltane celebrations go back as old as the first primate howling for the budding of the flowers, the return of the fertile times. joyful gatherings on such an occasion are almost a prerequisite.

so, to return a little to the concrete, i planned a beltane celebration. sent out invites to every water_brother, handed pretty red letters to each i could find in person. so far, i think there's one person that's agreed to show, and that's caesar's alice (see misstree_mutters for the freak_out brainspace.)

i even posted to the two local goth lists; one for the town and one for the state. *hackles start to rise* they're both moderated. one, the one in town, well, its moderators are bouncing, which means that unless i'm able to find some freakish way to hunt one of them down, i'll never ever be able to post there. this becomes even more frustrating in a minute, but i'll get to that. in that case, there's someone who's approved who agreed to post it for me, but he hasn't been around for at least four days, and time is ticking down. on the other list, two moderators are theoretically present, and i've had messages go through, but they're always delayed; apprently, though i know these mods in person, i'm good enough to approve the messages of but not good enough to approve. *sigh* one message has gone through, some little bs thing about photos not showing on the group site, but the big old post that i put about beltane is nowhere to be seen.

email lists have always been a prime means of communication, especially when scenes aren't as simple as going down to one of the local full-time clubs. caesar and i have gotten at least some amount of a yes from both a venue and a dj, and we've decided on a date, and now we're starting to get the nuts and bolts together. it's going to be a lot of work and some money we can't afford, but we're going to get a scene in this town, because we're stubborn and bored and convinced that we can do anything if we try, or at least if we fail we'll know we fought.

but we can't even get people to show up to beltane, and we can't post on the fucking lists, so there's no way to communicate with these mother fuckers. as for the ones that we handed invitations to? well, caesar and i have a habit of scaring people, apparently. yes, we're a bit odd, for iowa. we'd be colorful in a big city, but not more than that. but people are downright fucking terrified of us. i get the feeling that they think they'd end up in a car trunk if they showed up. they think caesar's a slut though he's never slept with a single soul from that scene, and lord even knows what they think of me. but they're scared, and it makes me pity them yes, but hate them so very much. we're monsters to them, at least that's the feeling i get right now. monsters.

i used to be queen of the world. now i'm just some crazy cunt with a scepter. but, but, but, i can give them so much. i'm fucking hostess_of_the_apocalypse god dammit, hand picked by Big_Momma or some other higher power themselves to help celebrate the end of times, to call all who Live and are Awake to glory and bacchanal and to the meetings of the Tribes, and these little shits are so scared of me they won't even come over for a drink. i'm willing to put blood, sweat, and tears into getting a night going in town, but the mail lists are so cockeyed i can't even post shit... though somehow, spam keeps getting through on the list where the mods are bouncing... good job, guys...

blah. frustration. and if i at least had a handful of water_brothers coming, if i had even one, i could take consolation in that and think that everything was worth it. but no. all i get is alice.

part of me is certain that things will work out, that everyone has it on their calendar and just hasn't gotten around to getting directions yet, but it's been 100% silence from every direction, and even the place where we were supposed to have it, the residents got scared, one is very religious conservative and i'm not even going to go into that whole dynamic, but i just feel like metal walls are dropping in and i hope i don't lose a hand. and if i have this goth night and still can't materialize water_brothers with over a month's notice, well, a whole lot of people will be very suddenly dead, at least in me own brain.

/end rant.

i'm The Hostess, and i may be a monster, but that's not what's important.

slippery sorry what did you just say? i wasnt listening 050426
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