denial_of_pain Sonya I'm being entirely selfish now but I don't care. I've been trying to use blather as an outlet for my feelings of sadness, loss, anger, abandonment, and unimportance. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I matter to some people I can see that I am also a huge burden. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I still have some optimism left I still shed tears at night. No matter how many new people I meet, I still feel a sense of total detachment from others. I can see that to SOME people I am easily expendable and forgettable. It seems pointless to continue "doing the things you love" when neither you nor the things you love matter to the people who supposedly care about you or even have the fucking nerve to say "I love you". There's just this futility that I keep feeling about life in general. I'm not sure if I will be able to shrug it off. Local bridges here in California received terrorist threats yesterday. As I was riding across the one of the bridges during the morning and evening rush hours today on a city bus I couldn't help but think about what it would be like if I were to die in a horrific death. I kept coming to the same conclusion that some people would be sad for awhile but ultimately they'd just have one less person to worry about if I were no longer here. I also came to the conclusion that some people out there want me dead simply because I exist in the first place. Maybe they'll get their wish. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here. Surely nothing poetic, but there are only so many tasks and distractions a person can occupy him/herself with before reality sinks in. It hurts to be used and lied to, and it hurts even more to be disregarded altogether. Is this what life is supposed to be about? I always envisioned a life of having love and respect, and yet everywhere I look people are bitter towards each other over the smallest things. Forgive me for being morbid...perhaps my optimism has run out. It hurts even more to realize that I wouldn't even feel this way if I hadn't been so trusting or given kindness to most people I came across. I can't deny this pain any longer. I wear a fake smile and shrug my shoulders to make everyone else feel better, but it's all pointless. I don't know how much more I can take... 011102 ... unhinged i accept it and embellish upon it that is really the only form of life i know 011103 ... nemo why are we all in denial.... does it feel too aweful, or maybe just too wonderful 011103 ... another day another name dont deny it. embrase it. without it, you are dead. 020323 ... kerry is it because we are afraid of being... too real? 020323 ... continuous ache maybe just afraid of being fragile. i don't want to be some porcelain doll. i don't want to be afraid of breaking. i just want someone to take this aweful aching, and make me whole again. 020402 ... velvetdesire Sonya, I read that and started to cry. You evoked emotion in a seventeen year- old stranger who's been numb for far too long. I don't really know what to say to you. I have a thousand thoughts jumbled in my head, but not one of them seems appropriate or fitting. It's all an incoherent mess... I want to hold you in my arms and rock you gently, because I understand. Or at least, I think I do. I've become a young cynic. My heart's been broken too many times to count. But we have to hang on. There are plenty of people on this earth who will make you feel horrible about yourself & life & the world in general. Those people aren't worth our time. It's hard to avoid them, but we have to -- we can't let them steal our smile. I like to believe that for every person who belittles our ambitions, there is one filled with compassion. I know it just sounds like a bunch of sugar-coated optimism, but we have to hope... because if we don't...what do we have left? I'm not sure there are words in existence to express how much pain I'm in right now. My heart is heavy, and I don't know how much longer I can carry this burden. But then there are simple moments, when I feel at total peace...and I understand. Do you have those moments? A few seconds of euphoria. And I know that I have to go on... Please, don't end it. At least not yet. I care. I understand if you don't believe me. After a certain point, it becomes habitual to stop trusting. But with all the sincerity on earth, I care. 020402 ... skritchin it's simple to deny it. It's simple to shut it off. In words it's easy. Mousey, mouse, mouse, mouse, and I speak nonsense and everybody gets it and thinks it's cute, or scary, or wonderful but i'm far too intimidating for them to try any harder. Maybe I am. I'm the piece. That shard of crazy perfection. they'd like to tell me their thoughts but I have twisted dreams. Messy, unreal, I don't actually believe in reality. I find out new things every day that everybody already knew. there is no pain in me. I suffer, and hurt and scream, but it's just me. Just me. When other people scream it's because they hurt and they can't handle it. I want their pain to stop. People can die from pain like that, no matter how small it is. I killed myself once, but I could handle it. Maybe I even enjoyed it. Suffering makes me believe I'm something more than quiet nerve endings. I like curling up on the floor of the shower, feeling the water beat on top of me, and imagine living there, forever, allowing the water to wash away my memories. I have very little memory . . . I'm a truly strong, brave, heroic individual . . . i wish i knew what i was afraid of. 031111 ... Death of a Rose i have very little to add to this blathe, except to say, yes i too. floating upon this blue, starving myself to death. 031111 ... misstree sensation = life denial of pain = denial of life 031111 ... minnesota_chris life = pain, anyone who tells you different is selling you something therefore, "The Princess Bride" = right 031112 what's it to you? who go blather from