tonight_i_had_nothing_to_write r1y9a6n4 i got home form work and its late. another long one at this place that i hate so much but still keep bringing my life back to. im tired and my feet hurt but i can't get to sleep without getting something off my chest. i dont even really know what it is. i just felt that i had to type something, put something on the pages of time and let myself know that i am still alive and yes, another day has passed. 031129 ... notme tomorrow i had fun yesterday i will dance 031129 ... oblivionmachine tonight i had nothing to write so i called you to get inspired 031129 ... ferret tonight i had nothing to write 031130 ... r1y9a6n4 once agian it is another night and i feel that i have to be here. this is really tough for me sometimes. i know that i like to write and that there is so much that i want to say... yet the transition between my stream of consciousness and the page is often thick. the night was another the same as last. i dealt with people who take themselves all too seriously. my job is one where i don't make any difference. yet people still find a way to bring hell's fire. i have this problem. i have long been tild of the potentials that await me. i have long know these things and come to point where i expect certain things. but the one thing that no one ever told me about life was the work. i never realized how hard this whole game was. i thought that if you jumped through hoop 1 2 and 3 that those things you see in the pictures would soemhow magically appear before you. but they don't. they reamain the elusive captives of someone else's captive dream. why is that? why when you think that the field is level and that your opportunites are there, we all end up with a different ending to our stories. i told my roommate about blather today. he seems to get the same cathartic result from putting his thoughts in soething immutable. through a stumbling i found his name here. should i look at his blathes? i am tempted but i feel that the idea goes against everything that this whole idea is about. i love him like a brother but i am scared that he will find and read mine. should i be? crazy night, i had nothing to write. 031130 ... r1y9a6n4 Still I sometimes wonder. I used to think about all of the things that would happen in my life. I was excited at a future and the promise of somehting up ahead. I am still not there. But, for some reason, I wonder if that place where I always wanted to go is there at all. Were all the things I was dreaming of as a child simply that, dreams? I want to go. Get out of this town that has somehow drawn me back time after time. I want to try my hand at being alone. I want to go somewhere where I don't know anybody and no one knows me. I want to test my abilities to build something of my own. I know that I have the power. I want to fall in love. Not just where I get comfortable with that other person, where we can go to a movie or walk down the street without a care. But to truly fall in love with someone where something as simple a going for coffee arises a nervouse excitement in my stomach that feels like my very first date. I want to show myself and my world that I am the person that I know I am. The person that I have muffled conversations with in the shower about yesterday. The person who can do anything. But, I have been sitting and waiting a long time. I have always thought that the reasons I wasn't that person yet had to do with age. I thought I was imprisoned by my youth. I am now that adult that I always looked excitedly forward to being, and I'm still waiting. 031203 ... r1y9a6n4 this past week I've had nothing to write. 031209 ... Whitechocolatewalrus I had nothing to write, but I wrote it anyway. 031209 ... Syrope r1y9a6n4, it sounds like you did have something to write...i love it...i've been trying to express that exact sentiment for weeks. thats what blather's done for me: i find people who say what i'm trying to say, and they say it for me, and the tears finally stop 031210 ... r1y9a6n4 It was kind of a crazy night tonight. Real busy, you know just one of those. I got some real suspicious feelings though; on the way to work and during. I had a feeling as though some of the pieces of the puzzle had somehow appeared. Is this pursuit really justified? Am I ok with what is before me? What is it all and will I ever find out? I see all of these people with these important happy lives and I want to be one of them. I want to know what it feels like to have something to do on a Saturday afternoon. I want to remember the things I have never experienced. I want to be the star if the movie, sauntering through life with the cocky sway of Clark Gable. I have always wanted to be that person because I never have been him. I have become very good at acting the part. This character I have built to show the world seems somehow inadequate now. Is he missing something all too important? He no longer seems to be able to fill his spot in the world. I am unhappy with his performance and I want him fired. 031214 ... r1y9a6n4 once again I have made some stupid mistake that has limited my freedom. Now I know that I could probably drive wherever I wanted to go and I wouldn't get pulled over. But for some unknown reason I don't. I guess I really don't have anywhere to go or anything that I would like to be doing. I feel somewhat I prisoner of my own choices. Have I really made any choices? Am I the victime of my decision not to decide? Anyhow, I sit here and think, as I often do, about what else there is out there. What are other people doing that I feel as though I should be. I ask over and over what it is that is missing in my life. I know that this isn't the way it is supposed to be. I still have yet to figure it out. So, until I have to go to work again, I will most likely remain this prisoner that I have become. A prisoner of escaped potential. 031217 ... f well i guess you'll get pulled up if you didn't get a schooling; an education on how to treat animals. The sly black cat hissed as you went to stroke it but you never rejected it, you always gave it love, food and warmth. Just join the MI5 not the MI6. 150503 what's it to you? who go blather from