if_i_die_tonight poetic onslaught if i die.....what can i say? im speechless really. death is the end. the end of anything ive ever experienced or anything i ever could experience. the end of good and bad times. the end of everything. i smoke and drink and seem to rush my death. im tired of waiting for it. its creeping on me and i dont wanna get caught off guard. what makes it even more scary is that i have no idea when it will happen. i could've died a few days ago when that weedhead was all fucked up and trying to sell me that gun that he kept waving around and pointing at me like no harm could come from it. i could die right now from a heart attack because of all this shit i smoke. i could die and no one would notice, except for my mom, brother and sister, grandma (who wouldnt care much), and my 2 cousins (one of which is my best friend), oh and 1 or 2 other "friends" that would find out eventually, and my 2 aunts. someone is dying while i type this. oh and i guess my dad would find out eventually. if i died tonight i would've never been able to form a relationship with my dad. these things alone could make me cry. but i cant cry 'cause i know that death is a part of life. doesn't it bother yall to know this reality? death is the end of all your struggles and anything you ever tried to achieve. it makes life pointless. if we were immortal we wouldn't need a purpose in life, cause we would have forever to do what we want. this is why i spend the most time that i can fucked up. im drunk right now while trying to express myself. death is some scary shit and reaches everyone, no matter how superior you think you are to other people. death is the inevitable which will reach us all. it will get you too. can you see it? death lurkin 'round the corner, just waiting for the perfect time to sneak up on you? its there and it will catch you, no matter how fast you run or try to act like death cant find you. i hate thinking about it but i cant stop thinking about it. the only way i seem to accept is by giving up. by living life as a fuck up. by knowing that im nothing and that i should just do whatever i feel like doing at the moment because death is getting closer every minute. i spent more than a year and a half counting the minutes towards my death. time is life and the more time i spent idle is the more time i wasted life and it pisses me off. so if i died tonight i would have to express all my regrets. but who would care? no one. imagine dying and wanting people to know what you went through in your life, but no one wants to hear it. thats how it is everyday. so when you die you will just be another unheard voice. or you will be a voice that no one understands. obviously, if your dying no one will understand because they have never died. so they will hear your words and quickly forget because they cant relate or understand. ive thought i was gonna die many times (more than likely because of skitzophrenic panic attacks but i still thought i was dying so it should be valid) and the only thing ive ever been able to come up with was that life was pointless. we should just live for the moment, but thats hard to do when you have so many regrets and things that your trying to set straight. i mean, after all, you dont want your reputation fucked up. you're all you got so when you die you would want people to know how you lived and what you've learned. you need to feel like your life meant something. but the truth, how i see it, is that no one's life matters. we're just another person on this planet wanting to feel like we matter. i would expect that even the famous people like Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln died unhappy. im sure they had so much more to say which was never heard. the only difference is that some people get heard more than others. so those people die a little bit more satisfied. so if i die tonight i want it to be known that ive felt like i figured out the human race then forgotten it a countless amount of times. i want it to be known that everything that ive tried to express and couldnt be felt by any one else was only because of my lack of extensive vocabulary and because i just couldnt find the right words. i want it to be known that i loved life, no matter how fucked up things were. i feel that anyone who read this whole thing just became a bit more wiser for just reading the words of a man who feels death coming closer every minute. if i die tonight, i want it to be known that if i died a rebel, doing whatever i felt like doing, i died happy. life should mean nothing more than making yourself happy, cause in the end no one will understand or care anyway. so you should just live life for yourself, cause your all that matters. so you are your own god and can, and should, do whatever the hell makes you happy. in the end, i see every persons life revolving around his or her self only. so you do mean something to yourself and anyone who has the wisdom to listen. anyone who doesnt have the wisdom to listen obviously has much to learn. so if i die tonight i want it to be known that whatever decisions i made were the right ones, because i made them and i matter to myself, and im all that matters. 021016 ... LIL CHRIS HEY!! Man Tavo you know I would care if you died. How can you say that no one would care when you know how much you mean to me. But I guess since we haven't talked in awhile you forgotten but that's ok. 021016 ... poetic onslaught yea i know. actually, what i meant to say was that i wouldnt matter like i should. like, i cant see the world being the same without me. obviously i dont have that kind of influence on people but i feel that by simply killing off another life, the future of the world has been changed. the subtlest things a person does could lead to something of great importance to someone else. so when i die, even though the world wont notice, id've changed the course of it. 021016 ... the Walrus If you do die, can I have your skateboard? 021016 ... ImWithDavid It would be with no regret. There would be no better way to die than looking forward to tomorrow with blinding excitement. Hopefully though, I 'll just live to see it. 030418 what's it to you? who go blather from