my_pain CheapVodka (im back) Tomorrow is a new day. But Sunday will be my last. One day to live. No, I don't have cancer but at this point I wish I did. I have made a decision. A decision about my life and how I've been living it. I've treated others a totally different way then I've wanted to be treated and I've never been more sorry. I live in only seclusion. I would give anything for someone to be around. All I think about is my pain and desperation for anyone. In the end I only come up with one simple solution: Taking my life. They say to me, "you don't have anything to live for?" or "there is no other road you can take?" There is none and I've thought about nothing else for 2 weeks. Tomorrow is my last day/night alive and it will be sad for the fact that I'll be alone then too. If I had the money then I'd leave and go somewhere and be free from this shit, but I don't have any money, at all. I just wish for something to make me happy. Why don't I get that. So many bad people get all they need to be completely happy with no effort. I've worked myself for that accomplishment and now I've lost it all. I wish I were dead and I will take this in my own hands and make it happen. This is not a threat or a cry for help, this is my escape from my_pain 020104 ... sabbie no. no you fucken dont. dont go that way c.v. take your life in both your hands and wrest from it whatever you want. life is clay and you shape it to what you will. if you dont like your life, then change it. do things differently. move towns and start again (i did. its scarey but it changed everything) this way is a dead end street. you dont get to change your mind. you dont get another chance at this. think of everything you wont be able to do if you finish the game now. you dont get on the high score tables and would it have been worth it? where i was where you are, i needed it all to mean something, i needed there to be a reason that i had to go through all that. i almost collapsed by the wayside, but instead i hiked up my pants and kept walking, kept peering around the next corner to see what was there. and one day, i did find the reason that i went through all that. i spent years healing, i'll prolly spend years more. but had i have opted out all those years ago, i would never have been here, never have got to be the grand person i am now, never have met all the glorious people i know today. all the stuff i choose to do today makes my life, and that is _all_ of my life, worth it. how can you cut off your only chance at something better? 020104 ... Grievance NO. Money is not the escape from your current life. The worst thing you can do is make all your decisions final, to make all your life's effort set in stone. If you've wronged yourself, or others, how will you ever change any of that? Let me tell you something, change is one of the most beautiful things in world, life is change. would you wrest that from yourself? put a numbered clock on your days, just cap out the possiblity of everything else? People say, "you don't have anything to live for?" or "there is no other road you can take? perhaps not, not NOW. BUT THINGS CHANGE. options open, they close. part of life is finding something you FEEL for enough to believe in it, if nothing else, believe you CAN. I do. Things happen you can't control, but you can always control yourself, learn to change to yourself. life is a beautiful gift. Gain is measured in SO many ways, and your effort is not futile. Happiness is not a constant thing, nor is sadness. It's somewhere between, and in fleeting moments we get to gaze at both extremes, in all severity. Just, for fucking GODSAKE, DON'T. I couldn't take that. Even in the glumest shit hole, there is life. Take the moment in your hand, it is yours, control might be an illusion, but you have the ability to try, don't make your life into a tragic ending. In degradation is where humans learn of what they are capable, where they become stronger. don't throw away that opportunity. don't throw away yourself. 020104 ... share the wisdom of "each of us contain many lives, potential lives... they are laid up inside us like so many shining metals, railway lines. riding along one set towards the terminus. we can be aware of those other lines, along side of us which we might have traveled if only we had the strength to change." taken from affame_le_geant_potential_lives by fyngula. 020104 ... CheapVodka you know...in the past few days i really thought about ending my life..and like all the times before i've found myself turning to it i realized that i don't want to do it this time. you are all very right...i want to know what life lessons i can pull from this that and i'm scared to be back in the hospital or have my stomach pumped again but i do thank y'all...thank y'all for answering such real and sensible answers. the people of blather are truly great people... 020107 ... Mahayana: Zakah: i 2 /had been close to taking my life/ just around the same time it seems as you have been considering taking yours, /but i didnt/... ive always been one to stick through even the most horrible songs/movies /for/ there is *always something to learn and i guess living life has been the same catch fall way with me /i wanna see/ i dont even know what im trying to say and i know/ im sure as hell not saying it in the proper ways either/ but /cheap vodka ive read your blathes, yet i am sad to say, i dont know you but: 1] i am glad you are still alive 2] you are an extremely intelligent/beautiful person 3] i love you hun, dont forget you'll always have someone,{if even only me} whom would & does love/miss you,when you are gone 4] if i can do anything for you i will {please let me know} 5] even though i dont know you as of yet, id love to some day say, "yeah i know CV and i know i am better for it" and i hope they are too {and im sure i would} [[[please know without a doubt/ i mean everything i have said above/ my words are always full |never empty|]]] [[and there is always room 4 refills]] 020107 ... CheapVodka Even after all these years.. What I just read from you Mahayana, is beautiful and I can feel it from the inside. I appreciate your words and adore your beauty. Thank you. 131126 what's it to you? who go blather from