too_many_scars_already ecila and that was the most important thing i have ever had to say if i hadnt told you that i would have gone insane the visions the jaw clenching the endless repeats i couldnt have not told you the gut renching as i finally told you the panic as i awaited your reply the edgy nervousness i still have even though you told me your ok jesus, how did you end up meaning so much to me 030528 ... Syrope it's so wonderful to be part of a healing process, to feel things changing around you basic rundown: cripplingly low self-esteem, couple meaningless relationships during high school, then...this guy. like...magic. i was so happy, for a good 2.5/3 years, only not really. there were times when i was so distraught and hurt and outraged...a couple breakup/get back together cycles...and eventually he said no...i was already at a college far away and had been in a few more meaningless flings, but i was so unhappy. i really thought sometimes that it would all be better if we could get back together. he'd changed a lot, and i'd changed, but i still felt like there was an attraction. the things i hated so much about him, the things he did...weren't a problem anymore, but maybe some of the things i liked about him were gone too...i'm not sure. but i didn't think i could be happy again. too_many_scars_already now i'm getting better :) i'm with someone now who sees something in me he wants to claim. it's so hard to be back home now, with the previous guy within reach and knowing that he could still have me if he wanted me badly enough to not care whether i was taken or not. and it's hard too because i don't want to hurt this new guy. for so long i wanted someone to put forth the effort he puts forth for me, to whisper the things he whispers, and now that i have it i feel incredibly ungrateful. i love him but i don't deserve him. there are moments though, where it's all clear - how this is right and everything's the way it's supposed to be. love is a decision, not just a feeling. and that's whats so exhiliarating. i feel like i could do anything. like i matter. and it's all going to be ok. scars are tougher than the skin they replace. 030528 ... girl_jane Yet I keep giving myself more... 030921 ... so fucking lost echos of another time echos of this time echos of tommorrow, and the time after that 030921 ... ashmanzhou scars on scars on ruined flesh thin and drawn i doth cry to thee and in crying forever i will see your eyes in them only do my true scars lie your eyes-dead eyes staring blank at the inside of thy coffin why did thou go when i needed thou most why did thou throw thyself beyond my reach i had too many scars already 030922 ... misstree and now, all those scrapes and scratches and bumps and shoves aren't so bad, because scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue, and i don't feel anything quite as much. 030922 ... pipedream how is that good? not feeling anything? isn't that just being oblivious? 030922 ... misstree it's getting jaded to the roller coasters. you still know the ride is going, it just takes more to make your stomach lurch. 030922 ... User24 well put misstree. 030923 ... thorn my scars embarrass me. not the ones on my arm, but the scars on my breasts and legs. i will never be able to forget the cutting. i have a fucking heart shaped scar on my left breast from cutting when i was 14, and a star on my left shin. these stupid scars are just another thing wrong with my body. 101126 ... Doar thorn, there is nothing wrong with your scars. hate to tell you this but scars happen and in all honesty, they trace a pattern of your life. Scars may be a reminder, but scars leave you after awhile, while they still are a focus point (if you make them be), they tell you that you've lived through the shit of life and survived. My flesh and mind have scars just like the rest of us. Don't know if you want to read this but the scars I have, I cherish and know that while some people look at them and wonder WTF, I look at those people and wonder, you should be so lucky to have these rememberances. Just my thoughts, but scars happen. And they will be a pain that should be transitory. And that is how I treat them. I've lived through them, allowed the healing to take it's passage. And gone on to the next scar. So what the hell, bring on the next scar. . 101126 ... thorn i don't have that problem with all of my scars, i have some pretty big ones on my arm that i like because they have a nice texture and are interesting, and they do remind me of what i've been through and how much i never want to do it again. it's the ones that are actual shapes i dislike. they remind me of how angsty i used to be, "not only am i going to cut myself, but i'm going to do it in the shape of a heart!" 101126 ... thorn they make me embarrassed to be naked, even though no one has ever said anything bad about them. 101126 ... Doar When you show your scars and rememberances to others, I know it is like leaving a piece of yourself, not knowing what others will do with it. All I can do is say "Hey, this is me, this is how I've survived." LIVE UNTIL NOTHING IS LEFT. That's what I do every day. and I still find a reason to continue, because I believe that no matter how little my words are, I might help someone else who has lived and felt the scars that taught me to not forget and forge ahead. Again, just my thoughts. Keep your scars and show them proudly. . 101126 what's it to you? who go blather from