random_writings unhinged thought maybe the other page was too big. he has the getupkids on his away message...coming clean. the first thing he ever said to me after three months. aaaggghhh. i'm so used to feeling like this; depressed and self-indulgent. just waiting for anyone, it always turns out to be the wrong one. so there is one person walking this earth especially for me you say...well i have a feeling he's stuck in a prison camp in the middle east. HEY i'm cuddly and cute. what's wrong with that? and i am crazy...very crazy. there's really nothing more i can say about pain; i've been here for ten months and i think i've said it all. i'm tired worn out of blathering pain. just for once i would love it to be joy....something besides music joy. so my cup will be perpetually half empty, wishing for things i don't have. it was sunny for most of the day and i found it rather beautiful. the sun shining down on all the dead souls of y_town ... it sure was a glorious day. just one person to take the blade out of my hand is all it would take. 011019 ... unhinged how do i make it go away? i just wanted to taste it again but she's here. she's never here and she picks tonight to be here. when i just wanted to cut myself, lick the wounds, masturbate, and then go to sleep and get up in the morning and take a shower without having to worry about waking people up. want to sink away into the neat little corner i have made for myself so that i don't have to pretend to smile anymore. that farce becomes too pained and tiring after awhile. she bristles hostility wether she realizes it or not, always playing her little games, spending more time with my roommate than i spend with my roommate. i HATE this fucking place. i am so glad that it will take me no longer than the money lasts to get the hell out of here. i guess the essence of what bothers me in that situation is that it bothered me at all. you know what i mean? i had a feeling from the very beginning things were going to end up like this; once we got here she would find all kinds of more interesting people to hang out with that could satisfy her rockstar complex and i would mean nothing to someone once again. i had a solution to this a long time ago but i keep forgetting what it was. i need to find the opiates.....pills are so much easier. 011030 ... Suicial Angel Wow that sounds like my life. Whenver things start to go okay and I'm at the top of the roller coaster, it takes a dip down and each time it goes a little further. I dont know when it's going to smash into the ground but it feels soon. I can't even enjoy myself when I'm happy because I know it's just going to be shitty all over again. People use me. They come to me when they need someone. They need a ride, or just need someone to comfort them, but they dont know anything about me, they dont know what goes on inside me. They walk by with thier annoying smiles and hugs and happiness, while I sit with my plastic grin and fight off the frustration thats boiling inside. Ever since I can remember I have been the back-up friend. When everyone else is doing something, someone calls me. Unless I innitiate something. Although it more than likly falls through anyway. I'm also the one that people come to when they need consolation. I go out of my way to help them however I can, I'm extra nice for no reason, and get nothing in return. I don't necessarly expect something, but it would be so nice to have someone do for me what I have done for others. Yet they think nothing of it. I can't wait to go to another school next year. I can be anyone I want to be, really. I can be myself if I wanted to. Roomates, friends parties, although I know once I get there, everything will probably be the same. And I've been partying so much now, just to escape this fictitious ficade I put on. Although drinking and weed, is a temporary happiness, I need all the relief i can get. When I move, I'll get to escape the place I am now. This town is beautiful in the summer, but all winter long I think I slip into seasonal depression beyond this regular anxiety/depression I have now. Everything comes back to me, especially around Christmas. My birthday is coming up in like 3 weeks. I'm going to have a party and invite a lot of people. I guess all the friends that only use me for the party and a "good weekend" but when that next week comes rollin along.. I'll disapear into my silentness, and wonder if they'll ever catch on. I can drop so many hints, and they'll never catch on. They rarly have, and when they do I cover it up. Why I do this, I dont know, I dont want to seem too vulnerable. I guess I'd like people to know that I like to hide it. It's like a game, maybe they do know, but they dont want me to know that they know?! Then I do know.. well what difference does it make anyway? I think thatz all for now. 011031 ... Suicidal Angel Wrong name.. Suicidal Angel 011031 ... Jayden That sounds like my life story. I guess it is nice to have people need you sometimes. But they are always the ones that wont be there for you. 011031 ... SuicidalAngel hey I LOVE that name, weird! 011119 ... r_r ! 090909 ... fghio fghio 101114 what's it to you? who go blather from